EMOTIONAL MEDICINE Discussion Blog

The Murals of the Mezquitán Cemetery, Guadalajara, Jalisco, Mexico.

2011-12-02T10:22:00.002-06:00

This is not my usual essay. I take the liberty to announce the publication of my new book The Murals of the Mezquitán Cemetery, Guadalajara, Jalisco, Mexico. Short video of interior of book. ON AMAZONThis is not totally gratuitous and out of place. I offer here the short essay from the book and in I say. “Large figures anchor each

You Just Might Get What You Need

2011-09-17T15:44:00.001-05:00

"You Just Might Get What You Need" ….“It is interest… which is primary.[Interest] supports both what is necessary for life and what is possible…” Nothing has become so clear to me recently than that we are so often left alone not because we are not loved or worse yet because we are hated. No it is because so many of those that love us have been so deeply hurt before they even got to us. It is

Something I have been wanting to say.

2011-04-27T17:28:00.001-05:00

“Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in.” Death of a Hired Man, Robert Frost [This piece will be confusing to some. I hope only at first. It refers most to the AA movement. I often find it surprising how many people still are not familiar with the movement and have not even heard of the “12steps.” I had not reread the original version

"The Good"

2011-04-02T13:16:00.000-05:00

“The Good” Deacon Taylor I belonged to the church,And to the party of prohibition;And the villagers thought I died of eating watermelon.In truth I had cirrhosis of the liver,For every noon for thirty years,I slipped behind the prescription partitionIn Trainor’s drug storeAnd poured a generous drinkFrom the bottle marked“Spiritus frumeniti.”Masters, Edgar Lee. 1916. Spoon River Anthology Why can

Nothing makes any difference

2011-03-23T18:59:00.001-05:00

“It's the way the people regard the theft of the apple That makes the boy what he is. ““Aner Clute” Edgar Lee Masters Nothing makes any difference except the lost love of your family and until you grieve that you can love no other including yourself. However long I have been at the business of trying to help myself and

Looking For Joy

2011-03-21T15:53:00.000-05:00

Looking For Joy "Melt the clouds of sin and sadnessDrive the dark of doubt awayGiver of immortal gladnessFill us with the light of day" From "Ode To Joy" You finally clear security and you see a loved one and a smile breaks out on your face: Joy. Why? We don’t much think of our emotions, our feelings, in terms of being physical but look in the mirror or at the person that is smiling back at

“Who’ll stop the rain”

2011-03-12T13:17:00.002-06:00

“Who’ll stop the rain” “Long as I remember rains be fallen’ down.Clouds of mystery pourin’ confusion on the ground.Good men through the ages searchin’for the sun and I wonder, still I wonderwho’ll stop the rain.”Credence Clearwater Revival I am on the social networking site Facebook. There someone posted a link to a call to protest the release of a one Michael Woodmansee . Mr. Woodmansee is a

" Shame and the “alpha” male or female? Or my “stuff” is better than yours. "

2011-02-10T12:47:00.001-06:00

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they attack you, then you win." Ghandi Shame and the “alpha” male or female? Or my “stuff” is better than yours. We can have fond memories of George Carlin or just go to You Tube. “Stuff”, your stuff and my stuff. We all have “stuff” and we all like our “stuff.” Of course Mr. Carlin might or might not use another synonym for “stuff.” Well,

Who Says We Are Not Aware of Shame and Humiliation?

2011-02-09T15:52:00.002-06:00

Who Says We Are Not Aware of Shame and Humiliation?"The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but that this humiliation is seen by everyone."Milan Kundera as quoted by Hotch on “Criminal Minds”The full quote appears to be “The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but the ignominy, the humiliation we feel that we must be what we are without any choice in the

TREE OF FAILURE

2011-01-21T12:53:00.001-06:00

"TREE OF FAILURE" By Brian Lynch"http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/14/opinion/14brooks.htmlDavid Brooks has always seemed civil to me and conversant. He has a regular gig on the "News Hour" and although I don't watch it much it should be noted it is in a "civil" setting with Mark Shields another seemingly civil man. They have a civil conversation. It is not about "winning" but exploring ideas for a

"On Stuttering"

2010-08-07T17:02:00.002-05:00

"On Stuttering" [Or now subtilted "On The King's Speech" , the movie by the same title just won the oscar for "Best Picture" of the year. I must admit that I have not seen the movie yet but have listened to interviews about it and so know the story line a bit. King Edward had, it would seem much reason to have "shame" and a dose of humiliation in his life and there for lose his "voice."

"ATTACK SELF"

2010-07-31T14:44:00.001-05:00

"Attack Self" Raising children is difficult on average, always has been. Little more than a hundred years ago if that, childhood in fact barely existed. The common man’s life expectancy, once one made it past the early years was still short, was often not past the mid thirties and women often died in childbirth. This is to set a stage for some “reality” that life has, yes, been for the most

DISSMELL

2010-07-30T16:08:00.000-05:00

“Dissmell” If we go through life not thinking much about our emotions, which is the ax I am continuingly grinding, then it is for certain we do not think about our five senses much. Our senses are our sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste. These are the portals by which we experience everything. Each is a type of “feeling” that we are not meant to notice so much as they are to seamlessly

"It is not about you."

2010-06-26T14:34:00.000-05:00

"It is not about you." Time and again I go over a simple thought for myself and others: Do not take things so personally and do not think you are special in a relationship especially in terms of negative attributes. If you see someone that is your friend or you think is your friend doing things to people that you do not like do not make the mistake and say to yourself, “Oh, I am special Tom won

Nothing that is Human is foreign

2010-06-26T12:19:00.000-05:00

Nothing that is Human is foreign This is an old therapist saw. Terence was on the money. The therapeutic community is on the money for claiming it. Now a number of years ago it came up in a discussion with a colleague and he pointed out how unfortunate it was that so many in the community only give it lip service. I can certainly say that is so often true in my experience in general

June 23,2010 A Day In The City

2010-06-25T19:12:00.000-05:00

Why do we watch violence?

2010-06-16T11:50:00.000-05:00

Why do we watch violence? "The rush of battle is often a potent and lethal addiction, for war is a drug." Chris Hedges It was an unsettling question when I was first asked and one I still feel uncomfortable with. It is one I feel less and less uncomfortable about bringing up in conversation although it tends to be a conversation stopper. It seems to me that our first reaction is that it is a

Scientists discover Babies Want to be Happy: The amoral lives of babies.

2010-06-15T15:25:00.000-05:00

[Dear Reader, a note to you for your time management. This is at least twice as long as the usual post. No apology. It is as long as it seems necessary. Comments and suggestions are, as always, appreciated. Dr. Lynch] Scientists discover Babies Want to be Happy: The amoral lives of babies. “It is interest… which is primary.[Interest] supports both what is necessary for life and what is possible…”

"Nothing is as it seems"

2010-06-14T17:07:00.000-05:00

"Nothing is as it seems" "All the world old is queer save thee and me, and even thou art a little queer." Robert Owen. Most everything has been turned on its head for me over the last fifteen or so years. I like, I am sure most people, thought and think that when people seek help for mental health issues it is because they are essentially “worse” off than the rest of the population. One day it

Disgust

2010-06-14T15:12:00.001-05:00

Disgust “A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.” Simon and Garfunkel Not a popular discussion point, disgust. And much of what I say in this space is probably not very popular although many reader, I suppose, have not figured that out yet. I don’t mean to insult you but I assume that it is not easily grasped that I am always saying that what is happening in the human

Withdraw II

2010-06-14T12:45:00.001-05:00

Withdraw II “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in.” Robert Frost, “The Death of the Hired Man” There is a devastating “withdraw,” one that can and does end untold numbers of relationships. Why does one member of a dyad leave? But we will soon get there. It is not always a bad thing to leave. Sometimes things need to end. The

"Getting There and Staying There"

2010-06-10T16:45:00.000-05:00

"Getting There and Staying There" Recently several high profile incidents have given me occasion to reflect on some aspects of what I would say we in modern life continually are want to rediscover and that is the wisdom of those philosophies that teach “living in the moment’’ or taking it “a day at a time.” These incidents involve famous to near famous people that as such, I say, tempt one

"Disappearing Act"

2010-05-19T12:49:00.000-05:00

"Disappearing Act" A number of years ago there was an excellent profile done on a news magazine about a man that would simply disappear from people’s lives. I missed the first part of it but I recall enough to tell what is important enough for my purposes in this piece. He had suddenly left a family in Maryland. He was to our surprise not a low profile figure. He was well known at least in a

A GENERIC LETTER

2010-05-18T20:19:00.001-05:00

A GENERIC LETTER[Peter],Since seeing you I have wanted to write something on the basis of what you said about your long-term friend. You talked about him hurting you by not telling you of the death of another friend. You talked about how you have come to be unable to tolerate his behavior in the world such as notpaying rent and staying until evicted. You feel hurt by his actions and by the waste

"Humiliation"

2010-05-17T16:32:00.001-05:00

"Humiliation" Humiliation is a very big issue and could be a theme in most all I write, it should be incorporated more. It is nevertheless, more and more, appreciated in horrible and subtle and sophisticated ways in literature, television and the movies. It needs to be spoken about, lived in the moment in the sense of being brought to consciousness. We have to stop avoiding the moment of

“How About Dinner?”

2010-05-17T16:19:00.001-05:00

“How About Dinner?” I have been watching a television series that I have found intriguing and recently came across a few episodes the exemplified a few themes that I stress in these pieces. The scenes involve a cop that is divorced, early forties, has only his work and kids but mostly his work to sustain him. He drinks and has little or no insight about his drinking and cheated extensively on

"The Chicago Scam"

2010-05-17T16:00:00.000-05:00

"The Chicago Scam" I had just admitted two addicts in their sixties in the same room. They were buddies and this was not their first visit to the rehab and as I walked by the room one of them called to me, “Hey Doc, come here I want to tell you something.” What followed was a fascinating half hour of how not to get scammed. He said, “Now doc I am telling you this so you won’t get hurt.” He

'Withdraw'

2010-05-13T14:08:00.000-05:00

'Withdraw' This term turns out to be a powerful way to summarize a huge number of ways in which we deal with emotional pain. It is probably, on average, the first step we take when hurt. It can be recognized in our early recognition of “fight or flight.” We do not like pain and move away from it. A great cause of pain is the world causing a sense of humiliation in us or any sense of shame. The

"Anger-Rage"

2010-05-13T11:51:00.000-05:00

"Anger-Rage" It was not too long ago that many thought that we all “learned” to be angry. That is supposedly that it was theoretically possible for someone to develop without the capacity to get angry. Apparently there are people out there that still believe this. It is intriguing that it was actually Darwin that began to solidify the innate nature of anger and then was promptly ignored for some

"Surprise, surprise!”

2010-05-11T18:38:00.001-05:00

“"Surprise, surprise!” Surprise, a really ignored emotion or feeling or more accurately an obscured emotion due to its nature, and what is that? It is that, as we know, surprise is not a pure emotion but one that is followed immediately by some other emotion such as joy or terror. For many of us we are particularly conditioned for one or the other and most unfortunate for those people who

"Therapy"

2010-05-11T15:38:00.000-05:00

"Therapy" "I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in." Kenny Rogers I am, again, a person that talks to people with the hope that through a good conversation we will come to some conclusions about their lives that will help them move forward. Through serendipity, it often happens, I learn something and I move forward! That is we both learn. So what have I learned recently? It

" Email II"

2010-05-11T15:12:00.000-05:00

" Email II" There is a television show called “Lie To Me.” It is quite remarkable and I have written about it elsewhere. It uses the work of Paul Ekman who is its resident expert and who was mentored in part by Silvan Tomkins my theoretical mentor. The idea of the show is that a Ekman like character runs a consulting firm that helps solve crime and other cases by figuring out if people are

"Email I"

2010-05-10T20:34:00.000-05:00

"Email I" Humans have always had to deal with non-response, or to put it bluntly humiliation, which I have dealt with in other places. Here I explore non-response and humiliation vis-a-vi emails. Your first reaction might be to think that I am over reacting. But I am sure I am not. I am confident that instead what is amiss is that we are desensitized to the social violence we wreck on each

"Only Explanations"

2010-05-10T15:43:00.001-05:00

"Only Explanations" To paraphrase Dan Wile: We all feel unentitled to our feelings and we are often unable to express them, and when this happens we “generate symptoms;” we take drugs, we hurt others or ourselves or we withdraw. We have to do these things because we are physical beings that live in the world. We are not perfect. We all need all the support and empathy we can get. We all are

"Why are we violent?"

2010-05-10T15:18:00.000-05:00

"Why are we violent?" Why are we violent? Because we have to be! Surprised? I am, a bit. But also hopeful as only by facing this fact will we be less violent. In a way this is to shock but also it is no more than to articulate what I have come to see as an elegant way of viewing all violence, yet the concepts need to be repeated many times to beat what has been made too complex back into its

"People do what they do for very, very good reasons."

2010-05-10T12:20:00.000-05:00

"People do what they do for very, very good reasons." By the above we came to accept ourselves as we are and to understand that we have done what we have done due to unmanageable feelings of hurt and thus it is counterproductive and damaging to blame ourselves and others. Twelve Steps to Emotional Health Someone once told me that actually no matter how we are reacting for the “good” or the “

"Judging by Feeling"

2010-05-09T16:52:00.000-05:00

"Judging by Feeling" We came to an understanding that only by taking a detailed emotional inventory, - an inventory of our anger, fear, distress, disgust and shame and by assessing what we are really interested in and what really makes us happy- will we truly be able to change our actions. Twelve Steps to Emotional Health, Brian Lynch, M.D We call them “negative” feelings but it is so

"More 'testing'"

2010-05-09T16:33:00.000-05:00

"More 'testing'" "Live the questions now.Perhaps you will then, gradually without noticing it,Live along some distant day into the answer. " Rainer Maria Rilke I would suspect that most people would not know that most of what is practiced in what is called clinical psychology or psychotherapy has not been proven. That is when doctors and therapist treat patients the methods they use have not

“Hey It Works For Me.”

2010-05-09T15:28:00.000-05:00

“Hey It Works For Me.” After talking with a number of people in our lives there comes a time when we note that if people talk about themselves in any kind of insightful way they will say some remarkably insightful and accurate things about their personality but then seemingly not be able to use the information they just brought into consciousness. Someone might say “I tend to see things in ‘

"Getting well is tough. Getting well emotionally is tough. It can take years. II"I

2010-05-09T15:12:00.000-05:00

Getting well is tough. Getting well emotionally is tough. It can take years. III We came to realize that we are profoundly emotional beings and that unless we understand our emotions we are very often powerless over our own actions and are powerless over the world. For some time now I have been bothered by the phase you “have to do it for yourself.” As you have to stop using drugs for yourself

"Humiliation"

2010-05-09T14:36:00.000-05:00

"Humiliation" Labor and management: What are the problems and what are the solutions? Boy wouldn’t it be nice to solve everything in a few words. Well, actually, most everything, believe it or not does revolve somehow around shame and humiliation. Yes, it is unfortunately, in some aspects, equivalent to saying that everything revolves around E=mc2 , and then saying that is nice but what can I

“ Interest is the impediment to ongoing shame.”

2010-05-09T14:00:00.000-05:00

“ Interest is the impediment to ongoing shame.” Silvan Tomkins was the first major psychologist to isolate “shame” and “interest” as primary emotions and for us that work within his theory that means that we see them as “feelings” that we are born with. They are specialized parts of our nervous system. Tomkins himself and those that follow him spend a great deal of time on the meaning and

" Everything and Nothing"

2010-05-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

" Everything and Nothing" Sweet dreams are made of thisWho am I to disagree? Travel the world and the seven seas Everybody's looking for something Some of them want to use you Some of them want to get used by you Some of them want to abuse you Some of them want to be abused The theme of being hurt and the consequences of the damage done is rich in facets. Often I feel a deadening amount of

"School Violence"

2010-05-05T16:56:00.001-05:00

Correction " School Violence" AFFECT AND ADOLESENCE ON THE TRAGEDY IN LITTLETON and other shootings. I am a family doc and I am supposed to know everything and so if someone asks me about the school shooting is Littleton, Colorado or other shootings I am supposed to have an answer. Several years ago I would not have had a very good one. I do now. I wrote this originally sometime near the time of

"Heart attack"

2010-05-05T16:39:00.000-05:00

"Heart attack" I was recounting to a patient how when I get the chance, usually on a plane, I like to read through several newspapers, if I think of it, and if I concentrate on it, it will be a pretty sure bet that I can pinpoint an article with a "shame" theme in short order. Point being that shame is always right under our noses. Again and again why do we ignore this valuable information? So

"Self Esteem"

2010-05-04T11:46:00.000-05:00

"Self Esteem" What is “self esteem?” Over the last twenty or more years it has been a buzz phrase that has garnered much attention, especially in the school environment. At first blush it would seem that no one could argue the worth of someone enhancing his or her self-esteem. This has lead to many, many good and not so good innovations. Many places have de-emphasized competition. Probably the

"But where does worry get you?"

2010-05-04T10:53:00.000-05:00

"But where does worry get you?" One day a patient said that she was “worried” about her son. At that moment it occurred to me to stop her and ask her if it was not more the case that she was “interested” in her son. I work with the idea that we have “basic” feelings that we are born with. One of those feelings is “interest.” Interest has never been taught to us as a basic feeling. Most people

"Sex"

2010-05-04T10:31:00.000-05:00

This is corrected form yesterday "Sex" "The propagation of the human race is not left to mere accident or caprices of the individual, but is guaranteed by the hidden laws of nature which are enforced by a mighty, irresistible impulse." (Baron Richard von Krafft-Ebing, 1840-1902, Psychopathia Sexualis, 1866.) Why after millennia do we not know how to deal with human sexuality and thus, for the

“Tipping Point.”

2010-05-01T10:31:00.000-05:00

“Tipping Point.” Malcolm Galdwell in his first best seller “The Tipping Point” makes an interesting and powerful argument that it is often our general environment that creates radical change in individuals and not particularly individual work. As proof he runs us through the deplorable state of New Your City not so many years ago when murder rates soared to, at times over 2000, a year and

In memoriam

2010-04-29T17:46:00.000-05:00

Father Michael van der Peet, S.C.J. Yesterday, I attended the funeral and burial of my friend Farther Michael van der Peet S.C.J. in Milwaukee Wisconsin. Of course each is in relation to other with a personal history and biography. Many people have rich lives growing up with large families and a number of friends they will have throughout their lives. It is too noted that your siblings are

"Obesity"

2010-04-27T22:03:00.000-05:00

"Obesity" It is certainly not as simple as having to do with food. In fact it has almost noting to do with food. The reason most of us are overweight is, in fact, well known but oddly avoided. We come upon the concept that it might have something to do with our feelings but for the most part quickly set this possibility aside. True enough, our culture offers many reasons to help us avoid:

Humiliation

2010-04-23T17:26:00.000-05:00

Humiliation This is to clarify; at some level; the difference between shame and humiliation. I follow Silvan Tomkins in his view of these themes. As elsewhere in these writings I have said that shame is the gap between the desired and acquired. The state of pleasant emotion now interrupted. But how is it that shame and humiliation are near the same? That is Tomkins says that shame and

Humiliation

2010-04-23T17:12:00.000-05:00

Humiliation Recently I was subjected to a frequent from of humiliation that I fear so many do not recognize and feel that they “deserve.” Of course, that is the whole point of humiliation those that have the power certainly think you deserver it and should take your just deserts and for the most part know who they can and cannot dish it out too. All of this being mostly on a subconscious level

“Back Pain”

2010-04-15T17:45:00.000-05:00

“Back Pain” This is pretty dangerous territory. Back pain is a big problem for many people including doctors. The good news is the nine out of ten people do get over back pain! Besides doing psychotherapy I do, do general medicine and there is a lot of back pain in general medicine. There is just a lot of pain in medicine. One reason I do psychotherapy and general medicine is that I do not

"Accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can."

2010-04-13T13:23:00.000-05:00

"Accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can." This is a short version of Reinhold Niebuhr’s prayer that is used in the “AA” or alcoholics anonymous movement. The other day the meaning of the prayer became much clearer to me in terms of how I try and help people go about clarifying their daily lives. It seems that many of the serious problems people have are precisely because

“Testing Those We Love”

2010-04-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

“Testing Those We Love” “We read the world wrong and say it deceives us.” Togare Have you ever told your child to do something and they have not done it? Likewise have you ever told a loved one, an adult that you could not do something for them and yet they somehow do not hear you? They come back to you in someway asking you do the very same thing? Is there any difference? In the end I think

"Cognition"

2010-04-12T17:15:00.000-05:00

"Cognition" The other day I was explaining to someone about how we could now see emotional expressions on baby’s faces before they were born. Some might think this is not news but it is. We have been able to see the fetus for years but not clear facial images until only a few years ago. So now we can see that a fetus can clearly smile (I then note that after birth it is several months before the

"Brian chemistry"

2010-04-12T13:30:00.000-05:00

"Brian chemistry" It is certainly not uncommon for me to run across people who will express a desire to understand the “chemical” nature of their mental problems or likewise see the problem as being fixable purely or solely on the basis of mediations. This is a tragic situation. Even as a doctor knowing what goes on inside the brain in terms of the chemical workings rarely helps me help you. We

“’The Negative’ Is Interesting.”

2010-04-11T16:53:00.000-05:00

“’The Negative’ Is Interesting.” ”Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud.” Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young One of my main messages to people in person or in writing is the idea that we live in a world of confusion and hurt and even though this is true we mange to deny this fact to a very great extent. The exact nature of what I want to explore took me about six months to really

"Words"

2010-04-11T16:44:00.000-05:00

"Words" Most of us by now have done a “search” on the Internet. Did you know that if you enter any seven words of your own creation you have almost no chance of finding the phrase you made? I for example just made up the phrase “The cat went to get the ball.” and I did not find it on the Internet. The same with “The dog went to get the ball.” Simple seven word sentences but they are not on the

“Giving Advice is Attacking Others”

2010-04-09T14:17:00.000-05:00

“Giving Advice is Attacking Others” We are exquisitely sensitive to our own inadequacies and just maybe exquisitely sensitive to others pain albeit it often does not seem like it. It does not seem like “we” or that is others are so sensitive as it is so often the case that we are victims of criticism when we are looking for understanding and support. This experience so often is born of a sense

"Actions do speak louder than words."

2010-04-09T13:44:00.000-05:00

"Actions do speak louder than words." One of the most fascinating thoughts I have come upon in my study of human emotions is how everything has come into question again and again. Like what? Such as conventional wisdom that if someone treats you badly or does not recognize your distress then they are not empathetic. Now what is empathy? Usually it is the concept of “putting oneself in the

“Responsibility”

2010-04-08T16:37:00.000-05:00

“Responsibility” I have been reading a number of personal histories and testimonials lately of people who are in therapy or have given themselves diagnoses, often very serious diagnoses. I have written other pieces on responsibility but the logic of this particular thinking always pains me so much that I feel this can never be said enough. It goes like this: These narratives are written when

"Mind and Body"

2010-04-08T14:35:00.000-05:00

"Mind and Body""There, there’s a placeWhere I can goWhen I feel lowAnd I feel blueAnd it’s my mind……" BeatlesA glaring problem in modern psychology and psychiatry is that we are unwilling to admit a glaring disconnect in our thinking (contradiction). Basically it boils down to a thought that there is no distinction between the “mind” and the “body.” If there is no difference between the “mind”

Do Children Matter?

2010-04-07T16:05:00.000-05:00

Do Children Matter?“Paddling in 2010? "We're too old to get spanked," she told CNN. "This is not the 1940's." Erica DeRamous I am going to comment on a few aspects of not “child care” but children’s status. Children are people. A friend of mine pointed out to me an amazingly simple thought several years ago that clarified so much about child rearing. We were talking about the use of corporeal

We Are All Emperors Without Cloths : “Mirroring II”

2010-04-07T15:30:00.000-05:00

We Are All Emperors Without Cloths : “Mirroring II” “Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?” - George Price I am writing this with restraint. I am not going to use the usual terms that psychiatry and psychology use to “label” people. I don’t because I think the only way to get beyond these terms and labels is simply stop using them. I want,

“Is It Worth It”

2010-04-03T15:28:00.000-05:00

“Is It Worth It” In almost any relationship there is some imbalance. This is unfortunate. Someone is a bit more dependant on the other. Of course each is dependant on the other in some respect. The leader is dependent on his or her subjects for support. But in a one on one relationship it can be very uneven and open to abuse; a parent-child relationship, a marriage, a mentor-mentee

"Interest"

2010-04-03T15:23:00.000-05:00

Interest You have your interest and I have mine. Have you ever considered that “interest” is an emotional force? Why do you like your favorite color? Did you choose it? Of course you didn’t. You just like it. You have “interest” in it. Why do you like vanilla over chocolate? Did you choose that? So we can go down a very long list. We can talk about your job. I hope you “like” and “enjoy” it.

"When you want something you want it."

2010-04-02T10:07:00.000-05:00

When you want something you want it. Come on admit it. When you want something you want it. We tend to want what we want when we want it and that is pretty much it and we want it now. We will pretty much lie, cheat and steal to get it. Are you ofended? What is my point? Well, just what I have said. I have become, of late, more and more impressed at how we avoid the truth of how we really are

Door # 1, Door # 2 or Door #3

2010-04-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

Door # 1, Door # 2 or Door #3 Much of what is said here is “preaching to the choir.” That is you will already agree with what I am saying. These writings are about psychology and much of what psychology has taught us is that it is very hard to change people’s minds about anything. So why write this column? Good question. One, is those in the choir can always learn to sing better. And the

Education

2010-04-01T15:37:00.000-05:00

Education It has taken us a very long time to understand that to teach someone something, anything, is a very difficult task. It is now known through great work by the best of the best in learning theory and education that, well, most of education does not do what it sets out to do and that is transfer knowledge. A great majority of what we think is going on is fantasy. A lot of this can be

'Mirroring People"

2010-04-01T12:57:00.000-05:00

Mirroring People We have all been with people who are affable and agreeable. They make us feel at ease. We will now and then get a feeling, however, that something is wrong. You can’t put your finger on it. Sooner or later and the older we get the sooner it should be that we understand that the uneasy feeling comes form the person “mirroring” us. They agree with most anything we say and will

“Not lying is lying”

2010-03-31T11:25:00.000-05:00

“Not lying is lying” “You Tell The Strongest People, The Weakest Lies.” * Few of us get to adulthood without realizing that “thou shalt not lie” is a “black and white” simplistic approach to human relations. But that does not mean that we often slip into the idea that “we don’t lie.” But since it is impossible to not lie, all we can do is try the best we can. Now, of course, there are

“The “Good Scène” is too much”

2010-03-31T11:12:00.001-05:00

“The “Good Scène” is too much” What is the “Good Scene?” The good scene is pretty simple to understand. It is about those situations in which we feel good, interested and joyful. I explain this situation often in various ways. It is thought that throughout our childhood we will have feelings of interest and joy and for the most part they are simply accepted as the way things should function.

" Are we good enough and smart enough?"

2010-03-30T16:30:00.000-05:00

Are we good enough and smart enough? A collogue of mine who worked with the same ideas I do for many years developed a scale for self evaluation made up of a list of 32 questions. I would like to present several and explore a few of them. For example1) I feel like I am never quite good enough. 2) I feel somehow left out. 3) I think that people look

"Well someone must be doing well”

2010-03-30T16:26:00.000-05:00

When people say, “well someone must be doing well”. Have you ever meet up with friends or family or just friends for dinner and mentioned that you are going on a trip or bought a car, something of this sort and they immediately say that something like “well someone must be doing well” or you your asked how things or going and you make the mistake of saying things are a bit better and form then

“What Is An “Intervention”?”

2010-03-29T11:58:00.003-05:00

“What Is An “Intervention”?” In the “recovery movement” an intervention is that activity where family and friends attempt to intervene in a persons life when they feel that their use of some drug has gotten out of hand to the point that it is ruining the persons life. This is where they more or less “trick” the person into coming to dinner or just over to someone’s house and then ten people

“Unintended Consequences”

2010-03-29T11:37:00.000-05:00

“Unintended Consequences” Sometime terrible things happen because we decide to do something. Good intentions lead to a place we never imagined at the moment we did what we did. After the dust clears we cannot believe what happened and have to process the situation. What I have found fascinating is that no one ever told me in all my relationships or schooling that my mind only has a few

“Problems With Attention”

2010-03-27T11:38:00.000-05:00

“Problems With Attention” I am sure almost everyone knows someone that has a problem with “attention” and is taking medication for it. They might be a child or an adult. They are often given the labels ADD or ADHD. Fact: there is no conclusion as to whether this is a “disease” that one is born with or we get from living in an environment. Or maybe it is a combination. Fact: taking certain

“Testing, Testing, 1,2,3… Testing..”

2010-03-27T11:28:00.000-05:00

“Testing, Testing, 1,2,3… Testing..” I told someone the other day that helping someone is often like having your hands and feet tied and being gagged at the same time but still having to do something. This has to do with one of the most important ideas I work with and that is that any type of criticism or negative feedback only makes things worse. Am I very good at this? Oh, I don’t know.

“Trust”

2010-03-26T14:49:00.000-05:00

“Trust” Trust is the foundation for relationships. What I have found is that often there is absolutely no doubt that the desire is there but the ability to follow through is lacking. It is lacking because the person never had a chance to learn the complete arch of trust. The problem is they where raised in a very domineering and negative environment. They where always told “no.” “I want to

“The Origen of Conflict”

2010-03-26T14:43:00.000-05:00

“The Origen of Conflict” I often talk about a movie entitled “The House of Fog and Sand.” I use it as an example of what the director states in the DVD “extras” and that is “The film exposes the unsettling truth that sometimes it is our hopes, rather than our hatreds, that divide us.” I will briefly say that the film is a tragedy that deals with a struggle over several people trying to

Just one more.....

2010-03-25T11:41:00.000-05:00

“Just One More Minute” I was just in the dental chair. I was reminded of an unfortunate habit of medical professionals and that is to say “Just one more minute,” or one more stick with the needle or one more stitch. It seems that it almost never works out that way. Good medical instruction teaches not to do this and I was taught more than once not to say such things. So why do we do it and

"Feelings as Tapestry"

2010-03-25T11:34:00.000-05:00

Feelings as Tapestry We can think of each and everyone of our personalities as a tapestry or ornate weaved rug.The materials for the finished product would start with the emotional apparatus we are born with.There is a lot of evidence to say that we are born with a fixed set of emotions or feelings. For our purposes today I will name them as anger, fear, interest, surprise, distress, disgust,

“I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.”

2010-03-24T10:12:00.000-05:00

“I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.” I remember when I was thinking about going into medicine I wondered what a “nervous break down” was. I mention this as many people still use this phrase. In these few words I want to help us understand that we can help ourselves by being more understanding of our mental states. First, if you have ever had that thought: “I am going to have

“Cast The First Stone”

2010-03-24T10:11:00.000-05:00

“Cast The First Stone” Whenever I write I wish not to be “pointing the finger at others”, although it is natural to first see “wrong” in others first, but very often I will write something and then be so surprised to be thinking about what I wrote and find that I remember doing a similar thing to someone just recently. Today, I am thinking about stories I have heard and experiences I have

”Sometimes it’s wrong to be right.”

2010-03-23T17:24:00.000-05:00

”Sometimes it’s wrong to be right.” This title comes from a colleague’s essay on the same material. The idea is that when we are in important relationships things can get heated. These columns are about how emotion and our reason should work together. Working together implies that maybe at one moment one should guide the other and it is not always reason that should rule (it does in

“Expressing Anger”

2010-03-23T17:19:00.000-05:00

“Expressing Anger” Is expressing anger “abusive?” I believe more and more two things: 1) we have little control over our emotions and 2) we need to “express them.” We start there. This does not mean that we cannot learn a lot about managing them but as none of us have had much if any instruction each of us is at a different place and this makes relationships difficult. Anger is a big issue.

Can I Tell If You Are Lying?

2009-05-15T14:03:00.000-05:00

Can I Tell If You Are Lying? By Brian Lynch, M.D. Actually you can’t. Now the thing is you can’t tell if I am lying either. You may think you can but I am sorry you can’t. Who says? Well, all the people that study these types of things. Mr. Paul Ekman for one. He is a world expert on “reading” the face. There are some things I disagree with him on but about lying I do believe

Why do those young girls do that?

2009-04-30T13:08:00.000-05:00