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This is the introduction to my pamphlet entitled Doing -Thinking -Feeling- In the World and serves as an introduction to this blog. You migh...

Psychology blogs & blog posts

Monday, November 10, 2008

"Jealousy"


“Jealousy”



By Brian Lynch, M.D.

What is this feeling? Does everyone feel it? I am not sure. I don’t think so. First of all, it is my feeling that most all emotional words, and this is something I will often say, are composite words. That is, they are made up of more basic emotional words and therefore may not signify the same feelings for each of us.

That is when you feel “jealous” you might feel “angry” while if I say I feel “jealous” I might translate that to saying I have a feeling of “disgust” or a feeling of “disgust” and “fear.” I might say I am “hurt” but I think being jealous usually denotes a more active or aggressive stance while saying you are “hurt” might seem more “passive.” That said I think all jealousy comes first from a feeling of being “hurt” and evolves into a more aggressive posture.

It is a simple dynamic. I am interested in this or that and I feel a threat that I am not going to ever get this or that or I am going to lose what I already have. The operative theme is that it is about me. This is true even in a relationship. It is still about me, not about the relationship. It is about me losing the relationship.

Jealousy is negative input. It is essentially saying “I do not trust you.” It is also saying that you do not trust yourself.
In some sense, it has to do with your thoughts of you’re not smart enough, good-looking enough, rich enough, or caring enough to stay attractive to the other person. Fear and distress build and anger follow and we blame others for what we perceive to be our inadequacies.

On the other hand, if we say that we do not trust our mate is it not the same thing? It is our insecurity.

Now it is different if there has been a history of betrayal with others past or present. It is hard to trust again. But they can and often are very different types of circumstances and feelings. Can we believe that the good times can continue?

Jealousy is often a way of sabotaging a relationship. We have deep in our minds that no relationship can survive so negative thoughts always creep in and eventually destroy the “good scenes.” The good times that could have been. We accuse, blame, presume, and limit a person’s actions and associations without the least knowledge or basis.

It is also, is it not, that psychological disaster of tempting the person to do exactly what you do not want them to do? Don’t eat the candy! So they do?

Now what if someone is unfaithful? Well, do we own someone? Can we control anyone? I think not.

In such situations, something is wrong with the relationship! Either we look at ourselves first and then 1) see if we a) want to continue the relationship and b) if the other party wants to and if we both can repair it together or 2) we move on.

We might think it is “natural” to “attack” the other party. I say nothing is “natural”, there are just as many people who blame themselves for their partner's infidelity.

We need to start to see the complexity of these situations and one way to do it is to start to stop using “simple” words like “jealousy” and start thinking about how we feel and why we feel that way.













Thursday, October 30, 2008

“Mutual Interest”

Mutual Interest



By Brian Lynch, M.D.


There is something that runs through many of these short pieces that I write that I hope you will experience. Note I did not say “understand.” Of course, understanding is important,  but without experience, little is gained.


I have mentioned that “interest” is an emotional experience. We do not “choose” to be interested in something or somebody. It happens. I like to say that it is what we are all looking for, “All we want is for someone to be interested in us.” Likewise, all we want is to be interested in someone else. We might be tempted to stop at the first half and say “yes” that is it “someone to be interested in me!” But that is not it, is it? For a relationship to grow it must be mutual, a give and take.


There is the tragedy of the teenage mother who says that she had her baby so “someone would love me.” But can we truly examine our relationships and say that we are so different?


Each of us is on a virgin path. We may be coming out of a terrible time. We may be overwhelmed with anger, fear, and shame and we may have been alone for a very long time. Then we meet someone. They are interested in us. There is no other feeling like this. We have a very special name for it, we often call it “love.” I encourage people to stay with the word “interest.” “I am interested in you!”


In this situation we want to get our bearings we do not want it to be “too” much. “Falling in love” can be, and is, dangerous, especially if you have been in a very bad place. We go overboard. We put all our hopes in this one part of our life.


But it can be and is the most healing and healthy of all occurrences if handled correctly because “interest” in others is what we are built for; interest in another intimate relationship as well as not-so-intimate relationships. When these are blocked we are lost. We are hurt. We are confused. We then can hurt ourselves in many ways through further isolation; drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, and simply being alone.


That simple interest felt by another can be life-changing. One now completes the biological circuit, we are all meant to participate in but for it to last and be sustained we need to return the favor. That angle that has shown interest needs it returned and then you both need to cultivate those mutual and common interests that are going to sustain you through all the hard times to come. Those will be the times that your combined interests applied to these difficult problems will bring profound joy.


Copyright 2008


Let’s Be Happy Today!

"Let's Be Happy Today"

Brian Lynch, M.D

2008 Revised


We do not worry about the fact that we didn't eat yesterday or better yet that we did not breathe yesterday. Nor do we worry ourselves with the fact that we were thirsty or sleepy yesterday. What are these situations? Well, they are referred to as drives. We have a drive to eat and sleep and breath.

Our drives are bodily functions that take place pretty much in the background and function daily; hunger, thirst, the need to breathe, the sexual drive, the need to evacuate, and sleep. Of course, this is not always the case. When food or money is not plentiful we will worry about tomorrow's meal and the hope for sexual activity occupies many a mind, but again, for the most part, the drives work on a twenty-four-hour cycle.

I now suggest that our emotions are meant to do the same. That feelings and emotions should be thought of as bodily functions that work throughout a given day. If they are not treated this way I suggest that almost all of life's problems center on the fact that we are after some type of "happiness" that does not exist. A hoped-for future that we have no power over or means of knowing that we can achieve.

I now work on the belief that we have a basic set of feelings that are just as physical as our heartbeat or kidneys or lungs. We are either angry, happy, distressed, fearful, experiencing shame, surprised, repulsed, or interested. So, just as we have to go to the bathroom within a twenty-four period and breathe, at least every few minutes, so we have to feel in our bodies. When do we feel? Well, I think we are "feeling" all the time but we are so used to it that we usually hardly notice. Most of the time we have at least a low level of "interest" in our environment. And interest is an emotional feeling.

Feelings motivate. Feelings tell us what to do. And we first want to get through today before we move on to tomorrow. This is important when we are thinking about "happiness."

If we "feel" in our bodies, then we "feel" happy in our body now, today, not tomorrow. It would seem best then to pay attention to the "here and now" and solve our problems today and not get caught up in some sought-after possibility of being "happy" tomorrow but we do so, so very often and neglect our problems of today.





 


Thursday, October 23, 2008

"THE SPACE BETWEEN US"

"THE SPACE BETWEEN US"




BY Brian Lynch, M.D.

Revised    

For a living, I talk to people, a pretty nice job. I try and help people solve their problems. We sit together and understand the problem a little better. I wish I was powerful enough to solve the problems.

What I do is called psychotherapy.

The people that come to see me often are often just coming in for a “tune-up” or to check to see if what they are thinking is on course, to compare their ideas with someone else. Often I find, importantly, that the people they live with are more in need of help than they are.

I want to focus on an aspect I will call “the space between us.”

The other day a patient commented on how his wife would often come to him and insist on talking to him when he was in the middle of watching a movie. You could see in his eyes how intensely this bothered him. We have all been in this situation. We might in fact all suffer such a situation in some way every day.

I speak of the concepts of “hurt” and “confusion.” Isn’t this man simply “hurt” when his wife does this? Is he not “confused” at some level? Does there not have to be at least some formulation in his mind such as “Why is she doing this at this time?” “Doesn’t she see? I am interested in this move.”

Again the man was interested and now he is “hurt” and “confused.” This happens to us all the time. This happens throughout the day many times during the day. Not, of course, in such dramatic fashion but in little ways. For example, an expected letter does not come, the Internet slows down, and an appointment does not show. That is an interest of ours is interrupted.

 Now, I asked the man to stop and think for a moment and put himself in the shoes of his wife. How many times had he felt exactly the same way? He immediately seemed to understand and agreed that he had felt the same way.

I said yes, we all do it. We are “pushed” by our emotions so much that we are exploding and cannot control ourselves. We even, often, are saying to ourselves “I should not bother him/her”, but do it  anyway.

Of course, this is the art of being in a relationship. How do we tolerate each other and manage these situations? How do we express ourselves appropriately? How are we fair to one another?

It is the art, I say of being “listened to and listening at the same time.” Impossible but that is what is happening as each party needs to be heard and listened to.

 The truth is we are just beginning to develop rules for mature adults to live in harmony as partners after hundreds of thousands of years.

Many of us know there are no easy answers and that many of our partners, if not ourselves have extreme difficulty in controlling their and our own actions and feelings. But we must start somewhere.

A beginning is to look at four guidelines proposed by the psychologist Silvan S. Tomkins.

He says that:

We want to be sure to work towards the most interest and joy in our lives.

We want to be sure to work towards the least negative feelings in our lives.

We achieve these goals by expressing or letting out all of our feelings.

 But to do that we have to have some sensible rules.

First of all, it has been apparent to me over the last ten years that humans amazingly do not have very good rules for expressing their emotions, especially negative ones.

For the most part, we are not supposed to express our negative emotions. This has been a big problem throughout history. So step number two in the above has been seen as meaning not to express negative emotion. We say “Children should be seen and not heard” or that “big boys and girls don’t cry.” I say this is all wrong. From an early age, we need to teach children to express themselves when they are fearful, angry, distressed or shamed.

Now, if they do I think they will grow up and will feel safe and will not be fearful of not having someone around to express themselves to and will not have to interrupt their partner in the middle of a movie.

We interrupt people because we have an “irrational” fear that they won’t be there in the next five minutes. But again this comes from not being permitted to express negative feeling, or for that matter positive feeling, interest, and joy, from early in our life, and now we are continually “ahead” of ourselves, “bursting” to tell someone.