”Sometimes it’s wrong to be right.”

Brian Lynch    

This title comes from a colleague’s essay on the same material.

The idea is that when we are in important relationships things can get heated.

These columns are about how emotion and our reason should work together.

Working together implies that maybe at one moment, one should guide the other and it is not always reason that should rule (it does in the end).

The situation is simple: you are in a heated discussion with your spouse and you know you have “the facts” on your side. You know you are absolutely “right.” The question is, is it always the “right” thing to do to push your point?

This can be true in the workplace and organizations. The more “smart” we are at identifying emotional landmines the more we will recognize these situations.

Someone once told me that “you cannot force a deal.” So true. These are words of wisdom I apply a lot. Ramming something down someone’s throat is not productive and usually comes back to hunt us. On the other hand is it not always clear what to do. Facts are important. Situations are complicated and sometimes immediately dangerous and action has to be taken.

But often, time is on our side and if we see the person is “resistant” then what does it serve us to “push” the point? Nothing is gained. The person is telling us that they are simply not emotionally ready to handle the information. If we are a good observer of emotion in others we will pick up on this. We will “go with the flow.” We will not be quick to anger or be so shamed by the nonresponse. These are the most difficult of situations. It reminds me once again that the most powerful word in any language is “no.” How do we respond to any “negative” action?

Of course, each situation is nuanced and unique. The point here is we have to be satisfied most of the time with just having done our best. We tried. Knowing when to stop and not make matters worse is just as important.

Sometimes we have to leave a relationship, job, or organization.

Of course, this is all being “diplomatic” but “diplomatic” is a word like so many that can hide so much other feeling. That, of course, is the point, not to recognize feeling and “smooth” it over when we are “diplomatic.” That is a different kind of response than I am proposing in the face of being “wrong when you are right.” Being diplomatic leaves open the possibility of deception and manipulation. That is not what this is about, it is rather about empathy. It is about understanding the other’s needs as well as your own. Not only solving your problem, but “the problem” of appreciating everyone’s emotional stake.

Brian Lynch

Copyright 2010

“Expressing Anger”

“Expressing Anger”

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Brian Lynch

Is expressing anger “abusive?” I believe more and more two things: 1) we have little control over our emotions and 2) we need to “express them.” We start there.

This does not mean that we cannot learn a lot about managing them, but as none of us have had much if any instruction each of us is at a different place and this makes relationships difficult.

Anger is a big issue. Something happens and you get angry and express it. The other person feels “abused.” Is it abuse? Well, it is in the eye of the beholder to a point. This is a real problem. We have a conflict of needs.

If someone is expressing anger I believe there is a real problem. That is, there is a legitimate issue. How they are expressing it may be a real problem also. If they are violent physically or verbally this is a separate problem and the other party has a separate decision to make. More likely than not they should try and remove themselves from the situation long term.

Again, this is not to say that what made the person angry in the first place does not have “legitimate” grounds. This is difficult to accept or even think about. The reasons for anger and the “triggers” are one thing. How we have learned to play it out is completely different. I can be justifiably angry that you are not paying me my hundred dollars, but beating you up is not the solution.

Most all anger is born of “hurt”, “confusion” and “shame.” How are these produced? I say because we had an “interest.”

Often the tragedy is that situations develop rapidly and deteriorate simply because two people have their desires. I have my plans and you have yours. We did not anticipate each other’s plans. The “collision” of desires can result in “anger” from feeling untitled or unappreciated. One might feel “used” or “betrayed.” All that happened is that each was intensely interested in what they were interested in.

Now what often happens is, no matter what the level of “anger” the person that gets angry first is “blamed.” Anger becomes the focus of the whole situation. I say this is a great error. Again, there is a very important distinction between legitimate anger and how it is expressed. And this type of “attack back” has deep roots in our education against not expressing emotion and being taught that we are morally bad for expressing negative feelings.

Many people have indeed been very traumatized by the expression of anger. These people cannot tolerate much if any expression of negative emotion or criticism. This is a problem. What is “abusive” and what is not? Good question. In one sense abuse is what we think it is.

The big danger is that if we do not accept that we first feel and then react then I think we are at a loss. It puts the other in the position of “walking on eggshells” of blaming themselves for “feeling what they feel.” The other can always “accuse” and call the trump card of “abuse” and thus never consider that maybe they did not think through what they did to hurt the other. I am fully aware that “walking on eggshells” can work both ways. Those that never raised their voice might be the most abusive.

I thought it was very intelligent of one person to tell her therapist, in anger, that she did not want to take her Zoloft! The therapist had said, “Take it, it will help you cope.”She said, “I don’t want to “cope”! “I want him to change!” I thought that was rather brilliant. She was being asked to take on all the burden of the relationship.

Copyright 2010

 

Can I Tell If You Are Lying?

By Brian Lynch, M.D.  

I can’t tell if you are lying. Now the thing is you can’t tell if I am lying either. You may think you can but I am sorry you can’t. Who says? Well, all the people that study these types of things. Mr. Paul Ekman for one. He is a world expert on “reading” the face. There are some things I disagree with him on but about lying I do believe he is probably right and that is that almost no one can judge if someone is telling the truth or not.

What are the consequences of such an insight into human interaction? I think they are many.

I think we should think a lot about the consequences of this. That said, I think if we accept that we cannot tell if someone is lying it can be liberating as it frees us in many situations to leave the consequences of the lie solely to the person lying.

For example, as a physician, I know patients lie to me all the time. A long time ago when I accepted that I had little hope of telling the truth tellers from the liars and accepted that my job was much easier. I did not “fight” so much. My job is to do the best I could; if someone is lying it is their burden to bear. That is not to say I let myself be made a fool.

This has helped in my private life in that “I accept” my role in “the play” knowing that it is most likely that the lie will come out eventually and the hurt will be exposed and the fact that I did not force any issue at the time of the lie very much makes it so much more clear who was dishonest.

Let me be clear: Dr. Ekman certainly can teach most people to detect, to a very high degree of certainty, that someone is concealing something or engaging in some kind of deception but always remember we do not know why they are doing it. We should not and cannot be quick to judge even if we know this evolving science of lie detection. Almost no one, maybe one in one thousand people can naturally detect deception otherwise pretty much forget it and relax.

Since I wrote this the science of lie detection has advanced, but still the admonition is to always take the analysis with a grain of salt. You must consider all the data and understand the motive for lying is often for the best intentions and otherwise almost always based on shame. I would say these people exemplify the state of the art. They are way ahead of me. SEE:

 https://www.youtube.com/c/thebehaviorpanel

Copyright 2009

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Why do those young girls do that?

Why do those young girls do that​?

2009

Revised

By Dr. Brian Lynch

These issues have always been important, but since originally writing this they take on new meaning with the rise of social media and most recently the rise of artificial intelligence and its ability to deceive in the wrong hands.

This is sparked by something I saw on T.V. It was a common story. On a talk show, there was the mother; middle-aged, single, overweight, and worried about her 13 y.o. daughter. The daughter dressed somewhat provocatively and looked at least a few years beyond her years.

The discussion was over the girl’s relationship with a much older man she met on the Internet. The mother was frantic that the girl was going to go down the same path she had gone down.

The issues are not uncommon and there are several: 1) the idea of someone this age having a relationship of any kind let alone someone much older, 2) the issue of privacy, and 3) her sexuality.

This is not about sex, at least primarily. No, all the participants are ships passing in the night. A lot of “don’t”: “Don’t dress like that.” “Don’t do what I did.” “Don’t talk to those people on the Internet”. And “Don't have sex.”

If you listen to the young women it does have little to do with sex. It has to do with the fact that someone is interested in her. She feels recognized. She feels she is somebody.

The sad fact is she too is a ship passing this man in the night which makes it all the more tragic. Why? Because she really does not realize her sexuality. All she knows is that she feels good due to this man's interest. Interest makes us feel wonderful.

All we want is for someone to be interested in us.

She loves her mother and her mother loves her but telling people not to do something no matter the interest in them sends a message of no interest. Why? Because my interest is not your interest.

We first and foremost, know that the mind is “positive”. The mind wants to go with the flow. It wants to accept input as reality, as true. To say “no don’t do that” makes the mind work very hard. It is the old “pink elephant” problem. I tell you not to think of a pink elephant. It is then impossible not to think of a pink elephant. The mind has to do double the work. It has to think of the pink elephant and then think about not thinking about it.

If, however, I ask you what you want, what your goals are, and where you want to go, I might get a lot further. There might be a conversation in which I can advise and share instead of scolding.

But back to sex. We mistake sexuality for our feelings. Sex is a drive. A drive we need to learn about through feeling about it. We presume these young women know what they are doing as they “act the part.” Many do. Many are quite sophisticated. But to know you have to really talk to them and respect them. Most do not have much of a clue and sexuality. They are taught that they are their bodies and not much else. But if I can so seemingly “effortlessly” gain others' interest, what power and how easy it is to accept the lesson?

Of course, life is strewn with the aftermath of divorce, poverty, and single parenthood when all I wanted was your “interest.”

When the interest is only linked to sexuality, it can lead to feelings of guilt and shame once things have gone sour. And they will go sour. Again ships passing in the night. The girl wants to feel the joy of someone’s interest where the sex drive is predominant in this male and in this case, driven by his unfortunate sexual formation from early on. For the girl when the relationship fails sex can be forever linked to a bad feeling instead of interest and joy.

And why? Because somehow I missed it from those who raised me.

But too, it is complicated by the family image I have. Where that is, do I belong in the cosmos? Our answer is often only what we know and that is to follow “the tribe”, the family. No matter the problems I see in my parents “This is who I am” and I must be the same. In fact, to do differently would humiliate them and me.

The Black Hole of Shame

The Black Hole of Shame

By Brian Lynch, M.D.

What is a “black hole?” Albert Einstein predicted the existence of black holes and later doubted that prediction. It turned out that he was right, they do exist. They are large objects in space that have powerful gravitational fields, so powerful that everything that comes near them falls into them, even light. It is hard to distinguish them from the black space around them.

I am not the first to think of shame, in its intense form, as causing a person to become a human black hole. Many times I have noted that when we feel bad, and feeling bad can be expressed as feeling a sense of shame, we can only move through a series of possible activities that are remarkably restricted and those activities are, we can "withdraw," we can "attack" ourselves or others or we can "avoid" and all these can be envisioned as such:

Now envision a circular rail connecting the four poles of this “Compass” that enables the person to go from one pole to another in a clockwise fashion starting at “withdraw.” Now imagine the train that is taking the person around this rail going faster and faster. The faster the train goes the more centripetal force there is holding the person in and like a black hole everything that comes in contact with this force will be drawn into the circle.

It seems at times that all the love and interest in the world one might heap on the person is of no avail, it simply gets sucked up into the black hole of shame. Why shame? Because shame is the fuel for the train, shame that turns to guilt and embarrassment and being ashamed for even existing. Nothing matters but the pain of my shame. I cannot see the pain I cause others as mine now has become so great and it continues to feed on itself. It sucks up all the air in the room, all my ability to comprehend someone else is blocked.

This is the toxic shame that should never have been as shame is not meant to be toxic. Shame is meant to be a friendly reminder that something is out of place. Shame is that feeling that things are not going right and we should pay closer attention and fix the problem. Not that we should turn away or blame ourselves or someone else for the problem. These “solutions” only delay getting back to life’s pleasures; back to love, friendship productive work. Yes, easier said than done but true.

This is not to say it is easy or that pain is not incapacitating. People do not choose this pain. I hope that at least now we can write about it and understand it and that reading about and understanding it will empower some to be able to control the pain. How? We can begin to take action on the fact that it would be impossible to have such excruciating pain without the fact that the pain has to have a cause. 

What is the cause? It is the desire for something in the positive as intense as the pain we are suffering. The pain is proportional to the desire that is not achieved. Just as powerful. Take the first step to regain that which you lost. The pain gets better.

Copyright 2009