Why do those young girls do that?

Why do those young girls do that​?

2009

Revised

By Dr. Brian Lynch

These issues have always been important, but since originally writing this they take on new meaning with the rise of social media and most recently the rise of artificial intelligence and its ability to deceive in the wrong hands.

This is sparked by something I saw on T.V. It was a common story. On a talk show, there was the mother; middle-aged, single, overweight, and worried about her 13 y.o. daughter. The daughter dressed somewhat provocatively and looked at least a few years beyond her years.

The discussion was over the girl’s relationship with a much older man she met on the Internet. The mother was frantic that the girl was going to go down the same path she had gone down.

The issues are not uncommon and there are several: 1) the idea of someone this age having a relationship of any kind let alone someone much older, 2) the issue of privacy, and 3) her sexuality.

This is not about sex, at least primarily. No, all the participants are ships passing in the night. A lot of “don’t”: “Don’t dress like that.” “Don’t do what I did.” “Don’t talk to those people on the Internet”. And “Don't have sex.”

If you listen to the young women it does have little to do with sex. It has to do with the fact that someone is interested in her. She feels recognized. She feels she is somebody.

The sad fact is she too is a ship passing this man in the night which makes it all the more tragic. Why? Because she really does not realize her sexuality. All she knows is that she feels good due to this man's interest. Interest makes us feel wonderful.

All we want is for someone to be interested in us.

She loves her mother and her mother loves her but telling people not to do something no matter the interest in them sends a message of no interest. Why? Because my interest is not your interest.

We first and foremost, know that the mind is “positive”. The mind wants to go with the flow. It wants to accept input as reality, as true. To say “no don’t do that” makes the mind work very hard. It is the old “pink elephant” problem. I tell you not to think of a pink elephant. It is then impossible not to think of a pink elephant. The mind has to do double the work. It has to think of the pink elephant and then think about not thinking about it.

If, however, I ask you what you want, what your goals are, and where you want to go, I might get a lot further. There might be a conversation in which I can advise and share instead of scolding.

But back to sex. We mistake sexuality for our feelings. Sex is a drive. A drive we need to learn about through feeling about it. We presume these young women know what they are doing as they “act the part.” Many do. Many are quite sophisticated. But to know you have to really talk to them and respect them. Most do not have much of a clue and sexuality. They are taught that they are their bodies and not much else. But if I can so seemingly “effortlessly” gain others' interest, what power and how easy it is to accept the lesson?

Of course, life is strewn with the aftermath of divorce, poverty, and single parenthood when all I wanted was your “interest.”

When the interest is only linked to sexuality, it can lead to feelings of guilt and shame once things have gone sour. And they will go sour. Again ships passing in the night. The girl wants to feel the joy of someone’s interest where the sex drive is predominant in this male and in this case, driven by his unfortunate sexual formation from early on. For the girl when the relationship fails sex can be forever linked to a bad feeling instead of interest and joy.

And why? Because somehow I missed it from those who raised me.

But too, it is complicated by the family image I have. Where that is, do I belong in the cosmos? Our answer is often only what we know and that is to follow “the tribe”, the family. No matter the problems I see in my parents “This is who I am” and I must be the same. In fact, to do differently would humiliate them and me.

The Black Hole of Shame

The Black Hole of Shame

By Brian Lynch, M.D.

What is a “black hole?” Albert Einstein predicted the existence of black holes and later doubted that prediction. It turned out that he was right, they do exist. They are large objects in space that have powerful gravitational fields, so powerful that everything that comes near them falls into them, even light. It is hard to distinguish them from the black space around them.

I am not the first to think of shame, in its intense form, as causing a person to become a human black hole. Many times I have noted that when we feel bad, and feeling bad can be expressed as feeling a sense of shame, we can only move through a series of possible activities that are remarkably restricted and those activities are, we can "withdraw," we can "attack" ourselves or others or we can "avoid" and all these can be envisioned as such:

Now envision a circular rail connecting the four poles of this “Compass” that enables the person to go from one pole to another in a clockwise fashion starting at “withdraw.” Now imagine the train that is taking the person around this rail going faster and faster. The faster the train goes the more centripetal force there is holding the person in and like a black hole everything that comes in contact with this force will be drawn into the circle.

It seems at times that all the love and interest in the world one might heap on the person is of no avail, it simply gets sucked up into the black hole of shame. Why shame? Because shame is the fuel for the train, shame that turns to guilt and embarrassment and being ashamed for even existing. Nothing matters but the pain of my shame. I cannot see the pain I cause others as mine now has become so great and it continues to feed on itself. It sucks up all the air in the room, all my ability to comprehend someone else is blocked.

This is the toxic shame that should never have been as shame is not meant to be toxic. Shame is meant to be a friendly reminder that something is out of place. Shame is that feeling that things are not going right and we should pay closer attention and fix the problem. Not that we should turn away or blame ourselves or someone else for the problem. These “solutions” only delay getting back to life’s pleasures; back to love, friendship productive work. Yes, easier said than done but true.

This is not to say it is easy or that pain is not incapacitating. People do not choose this pain. I hope that at least now we can write about it and understand it and that reading about and understanding it will empower some to be able to control the pain. How? We can begin to take action on the fact that it would be impossible to have such excruciating pain without the fact that the pain has to have a cause. 

What is the cause? It is the desire for something in the positive as intense as the pain we are suffering. The pain is proportional to the desire that is not achieved. Just as powerful. Take the first step to regain that which you lost. The pain gets better.

Copyright 2009

Getting well is tough. Getting well emotionally is tough. It can take years. II

Getting well is tough. 

Getting well emotionally is tough. 

It can take years. II

 Brian Lynch, M.D.

It is often said you have to be “ready” to get help.  “The person is not ready.”

I deal with many people that are addicted to drugs and in this area of treatment, it is very common to say that the person was or was not ready or not ready to change.

If one is not ready to get help what can anyone do to?

An important perspective to take to help anyone is that why should the person think they need help when the reason they are having trouble is not their fault?

Yes, there is the “abuse excuse.” It is the only excuse. People are “bad” because they have been treated badly. There is a great deal of “proof” now that this is indeed fact. There is in fact an “abuse excuse.”

At some level, we know that we have been harmed and many of us know that we have been severely damaged. Now what are our responses to this harm? 

We have been able to classify these responses into some generic reactions. It seems that humans can only do one of five things we can try and run away from the problem, we can abuse ourselves even to the point of suicide, we can lose ourselves in addiction, we can blame others, and hate others. Finally, we can face the problem, and the pain, and try and solve the problem.

Now, if you have been harmed it is very hard to see the need to “solve” the problem as you did not cause the problem. But then what? Well, what we do not know is that we are simply left with our pain and if left with our pain and with the four not-so-good responses mentioned above. These not-so-good responses will throw us into more confusion.

Basically, the logic here is that most people do not have much of a chance if the abuse is significant. I like to say how do you get a “positive” out of a “negative?” Well, for the most part, you don’t. 

 Many give the retort “Well I had it bad and I am ok.” I say you're not ok just because you say that it. Yes, we can overcome adversity because we want to connect but the argument is like saying a wiring system in a house is always going to work without being maintained. That you can abuse it all you want and the current will flow. Not true. So too with humans, human interest will not continually flow if it is abused sufficiently.

So it is quite a thing to “be ready.” Magnificent in fact. The person is having a birth. They somehow are able to birth into an independent world. How this can take place is somewhat miraculous. They have to trust themselves in what is a completely unknown world. Indeed “Better the devil you know than the angle you don’t.” That is until it isn't.

Joy, love, kindness, and trust have to be lived and experienced. Because you have enjoyed them does not mean that person next to you has any concept of that experience. And so why should they trust you or me if we ask them to change?

Once again staying the course, not punishing, not being negative, not confirming their world is the only way to help.

Copyright 2009


References:

Tomkins, Silvan S.: Affect Imagery Consciousness NY: Springer Publishing Company, 1963.

Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self by Donald L. Nathanson Paperback (March 1994)

W.W. Norton & Company; ISBN: 0393311090

How To Get Where You Want To Go Brian Lynch, M.D. 2000 PageFree

Getting well is tough Getting wel emotion is tough It can take years. I

Getting well is tough. 
Getting well emotionally is tough. 
It can take years. I

By Brian Lynch M.D.

I hope I can be of some help here through a simple thought. I speak a lot about “feelings”, and “emotions”.

In psychology, we have been missing a valuable tool that has been right under our noses. I have just mentioned it and it is our feelings. We live in a world of images and we get caught up in those images. These images can control our lives.

In psychology, we often focus on those things that make us feel bad. We have all experienced unpleasant moments in our lives. Many of us have experienced horrible moments. All types of abuse have been experienced by any number of readers. To name them might only serve to upset some.

Some abuse is intentional. Sometimes things happen to us and we are just there. That is horrible things happen and nothing at all was intended. For example, maybe we were in a natural disaster or were in a war, or were exposed to someone else’s violence. Mostly we were little and had no control. No control at all over what was going on.

What stays with us is the picture, the video clip, and the image. This is “trauma.”

I say that what we do not understand is that the image has feeling behind it. What are we feeling when we are experiencing the video clip?

Think of going to a movie. Movies almost always have a score. The music accompanies the movie. Most of the time we are not aware of the music except subconsciously.

This is the way we live most of our lives We are, unfortunately, often controlled by traumatic images that are driven by fear, terror, shame, disgust, contempt, startle, and rage that we pay no attention to. No attention at all to feeling because we are so focused on the “image.” The image is always there. The image continually recalls the negative emotion and moves us to act in ways we have learned to act from very early times. Usually, these actions are quite “dysfunctional.” They often control our lives.

We feel that much can be done if we focus on the feelings instead of the image.

The image, unfortunately, will never go away. What can change is how we feel about it. If we get “interested” in the image we will start to move aside the negative feeling and start to “understand” what went on. Understanding leads to healing. We, in short, replace, anger, fear, shame, contempt, and disgust, with interest.

Copyright 2009

References:

Tomkins, Silvan S.: Affect Imagery Consciousness NY: Springer Publishing Company, 1963.

Shame and Pride : Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self by Donald L. Nathanson Paperback (March 1994)

W.W. Norton & Company; ISBN: 0393311090

How To Get Where You Want To Go Br

“A Sept Forward and Three Back”

By Brian Lynch, M.D.

Why is it that we do not progress in life? Why is it that we might take a step forward, maybe three and fall back? Is it that the world is just overwhelming?

That is an important question. Many times it is just overwhelming. Presently we are in very difficult economic times. Is there any individual’s fault? Not entirely and often not at all. One lost their house and they “did everything right” or everything they could.

But we do come from a family; we do have an inner psychological world that can play tricks on us.

Some years ago a teacher of mine said to me, “You know Brian it is often very difficult for children to do better than their parents.” I understood this to have a great deal to do with shame and humiliation. That it might be understood by all that it would be humiliating to the parent if the son became more than the father. Many works of art demonstrate this. The father does everything to sabotage the son’s efforts to leave the farm or not stay on at the family business. “What boy you think you’re better than me?”

Shame can “bind” us to the family. We can feel it is wrong or bad to improve ourselves. We see a better world out there, but if I leave will I not hurt my parents? Will I not disrupt all the family? After all, it is “the family.” Even those that do leave and are successes oft times will struggle for years with guilt and addiction because of their betrayal. If these thoughts seem insane they might just indeed be the basis of a great deal of what we call “insanity."

We know and see the “the good” and the healthy, but we cannot bring ourselves to achieve it for to do so would be to break the bond with our primary caregiver. With that which was the healthiest and loving and giving, to begin with. But what happens when we quickly learn “the family” as a whole is not so loving and healthy? There are many types of intelligence and any one of these can inform us that there is a “better life over the hill” but again “how do I leave this life for that life?” “Who is my guide? Who can be my guide?” Today I would think it is more and more difficult to find those guides as “pop culture” is devoid of “heroes”, for the most part, and the act of “humiliating” others in public is now taught nightly on Television.

Who do we turn to, to be taught to be interested in each other?

So it is quite a bind; I continue terrible, brutal family traditions of abuse and unhealthy habits all the time knowing there is a better way. I continue this out of “love.” But this love, although it is genuine and healthy at its core, as these are your primary caregivers it is now a love based greatly on guilt. There needs to be a new birth through, yes, interest, and self-interest to bring about a rebirth. Today it seems we have to be our heroes and find like-minded souls, like-minded heroes. They do exist. Then we can return to the family and not change them, but be their model, their “hero” even though they at first might “hate” us for it.

Brian Lynch

Copyright 2008

"Getting Back to the Good Times"

"Getting Back to the Good Times"

By Brian Lynch, M.D.

I would suspect that most people would not know that most of what is practiced in what is called clinical psychology or psychotherapy has not been proven. That is when doctors and therapists treat patients the methods they use have not been “tested” in any rigorous way. Are you surprised?

Well, this whole business of trying to help people in this way is barely a hundred years old and the idea of having organized systems of doing and paying for research on a large scale is much less than that. Then realize that we are mostly dealing with face-to-face, one-on-one encounters, and conversations between two people. How do you compare one conversation with another and decide if one is better than another? It is pretty difficult. But we have made some progress.

I have talked a great deal about two positive emotions, joy and interest, mainly interest and about “testing.”

The exciting news is that it seems that there is some “proof” that these ideas are indeed valid. Through a therapy called “Control Mastery Theory” (don’t bother about the strange name) they have been able to do studies through which they conclude that people in therapy are indeed trying their best despite many, many things they might do to demonstrate the opposite. Like, do what! Like calling the therapist names, leaving therapy, and not paying the bill. The conclusion in all of these cases is that the person is “testing” the therapist. They are testing whether or not it is “safe” to move forward in life. Now, I just say we all do these things, these "tests" with everyone in our lives if we are not acting in a healthy way toward them.

We start in life with a good deal of “interest” and “joy.” These feelings are not attached to much “thinking” or reasoning for a very long time. They are attached to “doing” things. To “play” for example, again enjoyment in the world. But through much of history and much of our own lives, there has been much interruption of this “interest” and “joy” that from an early age has taught us that the world can hurt and can “hurt” a lot. Here I can only suggest that what the theory suggests is that we have a deep subconscious master plan to get “back to the good times.” We will charge forward wanting and hoping for love and connection, but will then “test” the environment, the desired object” to see if they or the environment is safe. I say often too, it is “just” that what happens is that old memories of the bad times, of the old hurt of pain and abandonment come back. The feelings of fear of more loss, the feelings of shame and distress return and they are too much and we either runway into a pit of self-hate and blame and often addiction or we strike back.

That is, each human is innately “healthy” due to innate “interest.” That is, we are born with the absolute biological need to connect with other people through “interest.” That is this is not the Freudian sex drive. This is “I am interested in you.” This is our healthy state. We can never lose this except in extreme cases ( This is what I call the most damaged of us such as Sadam Hussien. His mother tried to abort him and he knew this!). So we subconsciously are trying always to recover this primary interest even though in any given family, we might have learned many, many rules that teach us that to connect is not healthy or is dangerous. Again, we learn the dysfunctional rules that connecting is not healthy and is dangerous. This causes great internal conflict as these thoughts and feelings are always fighting our biological nature to connect and to be healthy.

We Have to Learn to Give

By Brian Lynch M.D.

Whenever I write I wish not to be “pointing the finger at others” although it is natural to first see “wrong” in others,,  but very often I will write something and then be so surprised to be thinking about what I wrote and find that I remember doing a similar thing to someone just recently.

Today I am thinking about stories I have heard and experiences I have heard concerning people that just seem to be unable to, well, share very much.

In extreme form, it might be that you could not expect them to walk across the room and get you a glass of water.

People who might live with you for a week and maybe, just maybe wash the dish that they ate from. Otherwise, they feel that they need every last cent they have as “who knows what might happen tomorrow?”

People who know all about a given profession, are professional and yet after 20 years and claim you as their “best” friend, but I bet you, you have not gotten one bit of “free” advice from them. You might be “picking their brain!" Yet you have freely given of your knowledge as you see this as part and parcel of “friendship”, of sharing.

Over and over you hear, “I’d love to help you out” with this or that. I know how to do this or that. “You really should get this organized.” etc., but nothing ever comes of it.

A relative is full of advice. You’re desperate for tuition money but you just hear criticism. Had you done this or that? They are going to give all their savings to the poor in India when they die. That is the only solution they can see. “Otherwise, people just hurt you?”

So why are “we” like this so much of the time? Well, the last statement says it all. “Otherwise, people just hurt you?” If we are not creating the good times now, today. Why is it that we are not creating the good times now today? It must only be because we have learned to be cautious. A little logic must tell us that there should be a balance to this but then who is to tell us what that balance is? Where do we go to find out?

If we have been severely abused how do we even know we have been severely abused and we are overreacting? How do we know that we should be more giving and if we were more giving we would be better off? The thought is those that don’t know don’t know and are not “evil”, “mean” or “doing it on purpose” they just do not know. Those that can give in the moment and experience the “interest” and the resulting “joy” of giving and hopefully of receiving only know it through doing. The receiving part is very important because the downside is that is almost as dangerous and “sick” to give and give without receiving as to not give. We need balance the year-round.

Copyright 2008

What is an addiction? 

Brian Lynch, M.D.

What is addiction, you might wonder? This question came up in a conversation with someone who recently became involved in treating individuals struggling with drug use. Why do we become addicted to anything?

Allow me to reiterate a fundamental concept: our actions are not detached from our emotions. We don't just randomly decide, "Oh, I think I'll have a beer." There's always a source behind that thought, driven by certain feelings.

We experience a range of emotions—good, bad, hurt, confused—and then take action. When feeling hurt or confused, that action could be spending excessive time on the computer, indulging in marathon TV sessions, seeking new partners every month, overeating, or resorting to drugs and alcohol. As a therapist, it's intriguing how initially unaware people are of the connection between their pain and the coping mechanisms they rely on.

In these few words, I highlight how easily we lose sight of our original intentions. That's why our answers often fall short when asked about the reasons behind our actions. What typically happens is that everything seems fine as we go about our lives until something from the past hinders us from achieving what we truly desire. It could be a damaged relationship with our parents, siblings, romantic partners, or career or education setbacks. Anything at all has the potential to shatter us in a single moment. In our search for relief, we stumble upon something that alleviates the pain. The feeling is so overwhelming that it temporarily erases our memory of our original aspirations—well, almost erases it. However, if we persist with the addiction, it gradually becomes the dominant force in our lives, transforming into what they call "a lifestyle." And if asked, we have to pause and reflect on why we embarked on this path in the first place.

 In the realm of addiction, emotions intertwine with actions in intricate ways. By delving deeper into the emotional underpinnings, we gain insight into the motivations behind addictive behaviors.

"A Thanksgiving Memory"

"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."

By Brian Lynch, M.D.  

Thanksgiving, as usual, was a mixed bag. It is so often a terrible occasion for so many as are so many holidays and birthdays. Instead of joy, shame, humiliation, fear, and disgust raise their heads.

So it was for me a mixed situation as I could not be with someone dear to me and we, that is, they and me often accustomed to having the day not be pleasant to start with. I, however, after several years of tiring of ambivalence and a few solitary holidays have, in recent years, sworn to spend them with family outside the country. So Thanksgiving being an American holiday makes it a bit confusing all around.

So, why bother at all? And many don’t. My thought for today is that we need to arrange our lives in some fashion. We have a history. We have tradition. Things change slowly. We do our best. All we can do is be as aware as we can and adapt slowly as we learn. The traditions we have are to help us manage our emotions and relations. We cannot get together with family all the time as much as we wish. It seems that holidays, birthdays, and other festive occasions are a way to “force” us to do just that. They are as artificial and as full of fantasy as they are in the end very practical. They are solid parts of the yearly calendar that are going to come ”hell or high water” and we have to deal with them. Lucky we are if those days will represent anticipation of interest and joy.

Unfortunately, we are if not. But if not we can ask the question what if we did not have these opportunities? Would we organize our lives to have reunions without such social sanctions? Surely we might well hope that we are evolving towards such a world where we would care as much for each other in the middle of March as the middle of December but we are not there yet.

This is still not to say that people do not suffer terribly when important anniversaries and holidays come by especially if they find themselves alone sometimes. But if progress is to be made we have to start somewhere. Somewhere in with noting those things that are not going to change. The calendar is not going to change. The events of the past are not going to change. What can change is, if we are ready, and maybe we are not, and if not that is ok. 

But if we are ready and for example, we are reading this, then some course of study about our emotions might be in order. We might start to realize that we have never really learned or been taught much of anything about our emotions.

I am certain that if holidays and anniversaries are difficult that there are ways to learn to prepare for those days and seasons differently and change our emotional response to them and once again live in the present with those around us. It does take interest.

Copyrigth 2008

“Jealousy”

By Brian Lynch, M.D.

What is this feeling? Does everyone feel it? I am not sure. I don’t think so. First of all, it is my feeling that most all emotional words, and this is something I will often say, are composite words. That is, they are made up of more basic emotional words and therefore may not signify the same feelings for each of us.

That is when you feel “jealous” you might feel “angry” while if I say I feel “jealous” I might translate that to saying I have a feeling of “disgust” or a feeling of “disgust” and “fear.” I might say I am “hurt” but I think being jealous usually denotes a more active or aggressive stance while saying you are “hurt” might seem more “passive.” That said I think all jealousy comes first from a feeling of being “hurt” and evolves into a more aggressive posture.

It is a simple dynamic. I am interested in this or that and I feel a threat that I am not going to ever get this or that or I am going to lose what I already have. The operative theme is that it is about me. This is true even in a relationship. It is still about me, not about the relationship. It is about me losing the relationship.

Jealousy is negative input. It is essentially saying “I do not trust you.” It is also saying that you do not trust yourself.
In some sense, it has to do with your thoughts of you’re not smart enough, good-looking enough, rich enough, or caring enough to stay attractive to the other person. Fear and distress build and anger follow and we blame others for what we perceive to be our inadequacies.

On the other hand, if we say that we do not trust our mate is it not the same thing? It is our insecurity.

Now it is different if there has been a history of betrayal with others past or present. It is hard to trust again. But they can and often are very different types of circumstances and feelings. Can we believe that the good times can continue?

Jealousy is often a way of sabotaging a relationship. We have deep in our minds that no relationship can survive so negative thoughts always creep in and eventually destroy the “good scenes.” The good times that could have been. We accuse, blame, presume, and limit a person’s actions and associations without the least knowledge or basis.

It is also, is it not, that psychological disaster of tempting the person to do exactly what you do not want them to do? Don’t eat the candy! So they do?

Now what if someone is unfaithful? Well, do we own someone? Can we control anyone? I think not.

In such situations, something is wrong with the relationship! Either we look at ourselves first and then 1) see if we a) want to continue the relationship and b) if the other party wants to and if we both can repair it together or 2) we move on.

We might think it is “natural” to “attack” the other party. I say nothing is “natural”, there are just as many people who blame themselves for their partner's infidelity.

We need to start to see the complexity of these situations and one way to do it is to start to stop using “simple” words like “jealousy” and start thinking about how we feel and why we feel that way.