"Well someone must be doing well”

When people say, “Well, someone must be doing well”.

Brian Lynch

Have you ever met up with friends or family or just friends for dinner and mentioned that you are going on a trip or bought a car, something of this sort and they immediately say something like “Well, someone must be doing well” or you asked how things or going and you make the mistake of saying things are a bit better and from then on it is like you are set for life?

It seems that I have had my share of experiences with this. This response is what I call a “scripted” or automatic response from the other. If you would bring it to their attention they would be shocked, offended, and annoyed and may never speak to you again. That said, it is a good example of some of the most sublet humiliating put-downs people do.

Yes, the people that do it are universally those that are in a better position than you are and usually a much better position than you are and you get the sense that they very much intend to stay that way.

In its best light, it is an example of what Dr. Don Nathanson calls the empathetic wall. He says this wall is  a “skin” we have or a bubble we all live in. We have to have this wall or we would all be overwhelmed by the feelings that others project on us. We have to “pick and choose” what we let in and out.

In these instances, it is a negative example of a defensive reaction and of the flow of the empathetic wall. People sense that you are not really in a good position. Things are not really going all that well, so their statement that “things are looking up” is a “disavowal” of the situation and negation/denial of it. They, that is, cannot let in the emotional information. The best light to put on it is that there is indeed pain felt on their part, but it too is disavowed it cannot be recognized and brought to consciousness and shared with you. They cannot make the real effort to really engage you and ask you how things really are.

Copyright 2010

“What Is An “Intervention”?”

Brian Lynch

In the “recovery movement,” an intervention is an activity where family and friends attempt to intervene in a person's life when they feel that their use of some drug has gotten out of hand to the point that it is ruining the person's life. This is where they more or less “trick” the person into coming to dinner or just over to someone’s house and then ten people show up and confront the person about what is going on. This is done in a “scripted” manner.

I had not thought about this in some time until a recent conversation about it with someone and it was mentioned that someone was contemplating organizing an intervention for someone but they were not sure there was a drug problem. What was certain was that there was a problem of communication.

It fairly rapidly occurred to me that there was a “problem” with this type of thinking. I voiced my opinion that I very often or almost always emphasize to people that come to me about addiction and that the addiction has “ultimately nothing to do with drugs.” It has, “Nothing to do with alcohol.” And overeating has “nothing to do with food.” Of course, they all look at me as if I am crazy at first but only for a moment. Why? Because it is true. All our problems start with emotional turmoil and then we do something about it. Of course, things can get complicated but for now, we will focus on the thought that we feel and then we do.

I emphasize also that society needs scapegoats and that we pick on addicts as addictions are just more visible than other problems like staying in the house all day or being addicted to sex or money.

So my thought about this intervention was, well, go ahead and do the intervention! It does not have to have anything to do with “drugs or alcohol” and be darn sure you don’t mention drugs or alcohol. Do not mention drugs or alcohol.

I am not that familiar with the experience of an “intervention” but I am sure many of them are “run” horribly and are disasters as they turn out to be shaming and humiliating to the intended target.

Any such approach has to be done with the greatest of care and respect and dignity for the person. The only message that can be sent has to be that “We are interested in you.” “Interest” is the key. This however cannot be but shame-producing to the person and the response can be and often is anger. 

Remember you invited yourselves to the party. If you have been hurt by the person it is fair to say you have been hurt, but remember you are there for them realizing that the only way you are not going to get hurt in the future is for them to get better. What is the long-term best interest of everyone? What is in the best interest of the “community?”

A favorite poly that I also hear is that people are told "Get help or we will not help or talk to you."

How this is "good" psychotherapy and how it is based on good research I haven't a clue. People are in these situations because of deep issues of having been shamed and humiliated and often have severe issues of abandonment. To now be "cornered" like this must indeed be humiliating and it must, when this ploy is used now trigger new massive fears of abandonment. 

“Unintended Consequences”

“Unintended Consequences”

Brian Lynch

Brian Lynch

Sometimes terrible things happen because we decide to do something. Good intentions lead to a place we never imagined at the moment we did what we did. After the dust clears, we cannot believe what happened and have to process the situation.

What I have found fascinating is that no one ever told me in all my relationships or schooling that my mind only has a few places to “go.”

Some examples; I “rough house” with my nephew and it gets out of hand and I break his arm. I spend a thousand dollars on Christmas presents and the next day someone needs an operation. There is a serious altercation and I call the police and I end up getting charged. We can think of many, many other situations and worse outcomes.

So where does my mind “go.” Well, what no one ever told me is that it can only “go” a few places I can only: 1) blame someone else for what just happened, 2) blame myself for what just happened, 3) try in some manner to just block the whole thing out, “nothing happened” and 4) I can run away so to speak. If I am on some kind of mind-alerting drug maybe I will take a lot more of it. My point in these few words is, can you give me another alternative? My point also is that once you accept that these are the only way the mind can naturally “go” and accept it then it is a path to freedom and much peace.

The road out or to “solve the problem” is a pretty simple one and that is to recognize several very old truths and they are, you did the best you could at the moment and we cannot predict the future. If we do not accept these then we run the risk of having a “God” complex. “I should be all-knowing.” “I should be able to control myself at all times.” “I should be able to predict what the police will do.” “I should have known I would break my nephew’s arm.” How sensible do those statements sound and if they do sound sensible then I am afraid that I should be frightened of you? You will expect the impossible of me.

Such thinking leads to blaming ourselves for everything and everyone and thus much shame, humiliation, and guilt that tie up our lives in a constant ritual of masochism of pain and self-punishment. Or it can lead to a constant ranting that others are to blame. In the meantime, nothing much gets done in our lives.

I have already written about the thought of “Accepting the things you cannot change and changing the things you can.”

This being the week of Easter and Passover and the rites of Spring I hope this is of some use. These days, as are so many holidays, are so charged with memories of all those times that we have “blamed ourselves or others” or “avoided” the situation. And of course, these times are often made much worse in our adult lives when we might find ourselves alone. It took me a long time to understand that the only solution is to simply “be” with someone. “Be with the one you're with.” We are made to be “interested” in today. Not yesterday.

“Problems With Attention”

“Problems With Attention”

Brian Lynch

I am sure almost everyone knows someone that has a problem with “attention” and is taking medication for it. They might be a child or an adult. They are often given the labels ADD or ADHD.

Fact: there is no conclusion as to whether this is a “disease” that one is born with or we get from living in an environment. Or maybe it is a combination.

Fact: taking certain medications does help some people.

Fact: taking certain medications also can have side effects, especially aggressiveness and anger.

It is also a fact that some teachers and parents mostly want quick answers.

I believe that until we appreciate much more about “attention” and a child’s “interest” we will not get very far.

What happens to you when you are doing something and you get interrupted? You don’t like it. Now much depends on how we have been brought up, how skilled we are at handling that moment of interruption.

It was pointed out a long time ago to me that a very active ten-year-old in a crowded two-bedroom apartment in Chicago might be labeled ADD, but on a farm in Kansas just a rambunctious ten-year-old.

Of course, it is not that simple, it depends too on what is going on in the farmhouse.

I believe “interest” is a “feeling” that is always being transmitted outward and I also believe we have to be dealing, daily, with a large set of punishing feelings that inform us of our environment. They are anger, fear, distress, contempt, shame, and surprise. Now tell me what if a youngster or for that matter an oldster is feeling high levels of all of these? Would these not interrupt their “interest?” Would it not make it hard for them to “pay attention?”

It is said that children can pay attention to intense tasks like video games and T.V. or homework at times. I think this makes much sense because it is at these times they can “escape or avoid” all the negative in their life, all those negative feelings. It is when they are in the “general” environment, the social “feeling” environment, that they “go crazy.”

It is because they do not have the skills to relate or unfortunately the support system around them to relate. To relate, it has to be a two, three, four-way street.

I have more than once refused to simply place a child on medication because the teachers have wanted it, demanded it. Parents should refuse such demands. Doctors have to be only the child’s advocate! Teachers are not doctors. Medication is not there to make the teacher’s job easier. Medication sends the message that the child is sick when in fact we the community might just be the one that is sick.

Now why might medication make things worse and why does it work? Just because it “works” does not prove in any way that there is a “biological” problem, it just means that the chemical is working on the “attention” or “interest” mechanism. Heroin “works” also. I have had people tell me that “honestly” doc I didn’t take my “Adderal” (a medication for ADD) all the time, just when I was “bored” when I needed to get the job done. So it “works” as a stimulant. Of course, this is well known.

Why do drugs cause anger? Well, we believe, simply, that when our “interest” is interrupted we feel, well, bad. What often happens when we feel “bad?” Well, we often get angry. Don’t you? If you intensify the interest, say with medication, the result of the interruption will be just that much worse and so will the anger.

Schools need more money and we all need to pay more attention to our children and each other and others and see how things improve.

“Testing, Testing, 1,2,3… Testing..”

Brian Lynch

I told someone the other day that helping someone is often like having your hands and feet tied and being gagged at the same time but still having to do something.

This has to do with one of the most important ideas I work with and that is that any type of criticism or negative feedback only makes things worse. Am I very good at this? Oh, I don’t know. I think I fail miserably at taking my advice all the time, but I think it is true.

I think we are all trying to do our best. I wrote this in my book and discussed it once with someone and that was the last time they ever talked to me as they really could not accept that idea. It has been my experience that the great majority of people, at some level, need to think that people at some level “want” to be or are “bad.” So if they are or “we” are all bad at some level then we must choose to be or do bad things and thus cannot always be trying to do our best.

The idea is simple, and that is that we are made to connect. The only way we connect is through truly being interested in one another. The only way to do that is to do our best, to “love” in the healthiest sense of the word. I believe this is a most natural and basic biological urge, this urge to connect. Therefore, to do other, not to do our best makes little sense. 

If we are doing things that hurt ourselves and others, then it seems a matter of not knowing how to achieve our goal. True enough, there are monsters all over the world past and present. Pol Pot, Genghis Khan, Hitler, and Saddam Hussein in our own home, but they knew and know less than anyone about feelings, yet have and needed connection no matter how perverted it was or is. Yes, they were doing the best they could.

If you don’t learn it how can you do it? Now many people will be irate about these ideas. Nowhere do I say that you do not remove yourself from harm or defend yourself from it when need be?

But what about the people we deal with from time to time and try and help, indeed ourselves!? Are we always trying our best? I think we are. I think, however, we will, over and over, sabotage our best-laid plans to “test” ourselves and others. We want to see if we still “love” ourselves enough to accept ourselves and, of course, we need to see if others will accept us so we test them. This is a well recognize residual, effect of abuse and we all have suffered some abuse from nothing more than living.

We test everyone. We test our parents, our spouses, our lovers or friends our children, the police, and our bosses.

The grandmother calls off the picnic at the last minute. The boyfriend is 45 minutes late. We say something controversial in earshot of the boss. Not only do we engage in corrupt activity, but we seem to go out of our way to get caught.

These are all secret “tests” for many people testing whether we will still be loved despite our “despicable” behavior.