Do Children Matter?

Brian Lynch

“Paddling in 2010? "We're too old to get spanked," she told CNN. "This is not the 1940's." Erica DeRamous

I am going to comment on a few aspects of not “child care” but children’s status. Children are people.

A friend of mine pointed out an amazingly thought several years ago that clarified so much about child-rearing. We were talking about the use of corporal punishment and child abuse in general, we were also always in a discussion about the overall uselessness of punishing anyone. Yes, I believe that punishment does not serve a purpose we need to rehabilitate people. We need to understand why people do what they do.

So is it “good” that parents that abuse their children are arrested and prosecuted? For now, it seems the answer is yes. Why? Is that not punishment? It is good because we are just not very evolved. It is because we are evolving. This is so because only a short time ago you could do anything to your child you wanted, even kill them and probably nothing would happen. Children were your property. Still, in much of the world, this is the case so for society to take any action to protect children is a great advance. Holding parents criminally responsible is an advance.

It is a simple thought if I thought you were acting “badly” and verbally threatened you or maybe even struck you I would be guilty in the first instance of assault and in the second of what is called “battery.” Why on earth are we not guilty of the same when we threaten and hit children?

Now there is just one problem when we arrest and even jail the parents of children, and what is that? Well, the children are left without their parents! We know that as strange as it may seem that the situation has to be quite bad at home before the children are better off not at home so enlightened prosecutors and social service agencies do not necessarily press for convictions and sentences but for intense intervention, rehabilitation and supervision. It does take a village to raise a child.

 We Are All Emperors Without Cloths : “Mirroring II”

“Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?”

  - George Price

I am writing this with restraint. I am not going to use the usual terms that psychiatry and psychology use to “label” people. I don’t because I think the only way to get beyond these terms and labels is simply to stop using them.

I want, as do a growing number of us, to replace almost all “labels” with a new way of looking at human behavior. That is that the line between normal and “abnormal” is vague if and when it exists at all. 

There are, of course, clearly defined “genetic” disorders but more and more, there are fewer and fewer “pure” disorders. As we see even a condition such as Downs Syndrome over the last fifty years has made great progress. They now lead much more normal lives.

I believe that almost all human activity can be summarized as 1) A focused interest in a goal where effort can be sustained whether the goal is achieved or not. Or in contrast, 2) due to confusion, hurt, or shame; short or long term, the person will a) withdraw from their goal, b) blame themselves for not achieving their goal, c) avoid the problem using sex, drugs, or any number of methods of distracting ourselves and lastly, when all else fails we will attack. Then, if all else fails we will start the cycle all over again. Why, one way over another? It is because we have learned from an early age to move forward using one method over another.

Often lovers will get caught in the above circle. All kinds of terrible labels will be thrown at everyone in the situation. It has been my experience, as a therapist, that all this is pretty much hooey. That is the part about “terrible labels.” No doubt, no doubt, all the research and writing, and work that has led to all this classification has helped, and has been useful, as we as humans have to articulate. We have to describe situations. To name is to know. To describe is to know. Yet it is also to control too much and to humiliate.

Humans are not lab rats. Yet, am I not reducing everything to five actions? But I think reducing our behavior to five generic actions is liberating. It says we all are emperors without clothes”

So when any of us are feeling pain we “only” have five “choices” and if we are not doing too well and cannot focus on what is bothering us and can not solve the problem we might do this: we might engage in a type of “false interest”, say “fall in love.” 

Now this is tricky as people are people. The “Interest” can no doubt be “real”. On the other hand, our pain may be so great that we search out anyone to be with, and in the meantime, darn it, there we go, we “fall in love” ( A common theme in, say, spy movies, such as “Bond” movies but here it is an “almost always an “obvious” manipulation at first Bond falls in love and then gets hurt.). So “love” and this “bastardized” interest (love). Why “bastardized” because much of the energy is coming from avoiding something rather than true attention to the person. That is we are confused and think we are “just” in a relationship not realizing the true cost. None of this may be conscious. 

So much of what we do is because we have “learned” that we cannot directly ask for anything, this I have covered before. This is from a history of abuse. 

I “have” to be deceptive otherwise I will be denied. Of course, if it is not conscious then we do think we are “falling in love” only later to be shocked into reality by our subconscious when the “truth” leaks through and we find out the “real” “subconscious” truth.

But everything here is much more interesting and unfortunately tragic. But what if I find that this “interest” is not working? What happens? I find fault with myself. What else can I do? 

 

I did this. I engaged. Did I not? I alone know the lie. But I continue the lie. I continue the interest. But what is the lie? The lie is human. The relationship is human. Interest is real. This is real. This lie is real. This person is real. This love is real!

But the original “I am here due to a lie” hunts me. I am here due to a scar, a tear in my heart that I cannot face. So I persist. I protest that you must understand, “I am only trying to avoid the pain of my past of facing the past. Please don’t make me do that. I have to do something. That is the only reason I am ‘using’ you.” 

I move now to “avoid.” “Let’s talk” “what are you interested in.” I become you. I become you. “I am you.” I “lose” myself in you. If you do drugs I do drugs.

If you drink I drink. If you smoke I smoke. If you rob banks, I rob banks. If you study astrophysics well, darn it I’ll try or I’ll sure make your eggs. Or, of course, we will have great sex. Yes, sex, sex, sex.

But then what if it all ends? What if the other “catches on?” What if they want a “real” relationship? Well, that would mean that they would be questioning you. What audacity. I still have not even thought about my original problem, have I? Why I am here with you? I am here with you because I am running from my pain. But you are not cooperating! You have discovered my lie so what can I do? I have to attack you. I have to attack you. I must destroy you. How? Well, humiliation might be a good way. 

Now what if this does not work? Well, well we can start all over; we can try and run away, withdraw, then blame ourselves and avoid and attack. Or we can start a slow process and heal. The good news is the “interest” was partially real. Grab on to that real interest, the “now” interest. Some “avoidances” are not all “bad.” We can do well without attacking ourselves or others almost all the time.

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"Is It Worth It"

Brian Lynch

In almost any relationship, there is some imbalance. One person tends to be more dependent on the other. Of course, there is mutual dependence to some extent. For instance, a leader depends on their subjects for support. However, in one-on-one relationships like parent-child, marriage, mentor-mentee, or working relationships, the balance can be uneven and prone to abuse.

In such one-on-one relationships, when we find ourselves in the dependent position, we often have to make a judgment call. We often dislike how we are being treated. It may not always be clear who holds the power, as in a marriage, making it difficult for us to determine what we can and cannot accept.

My main point is that we should make decisions on our own terms, without expecting the other person to change. Yes, people can change, but the odds are against it. They might change in the long run, but if they do, it's more likely to happen after we leave the relationship, rather than by staying in an overtly abusive one.

The important questions to ask ourselves are: "Where are you going?" and "How are you going to get there?" There are many complexities and challenges involved in answering these questions. I am not advocating selfishness or denying the need for help and support from others. What I'm saying is that we can be as much of a problem as the abuser if we don't know what we want. I'm not letting the abusers off the hook; I'm putting the responsibility on us. We often stay in bad situations for various reasons, many of which are not good. Fear of the unknown and not knowing what else to do is a significant reason we remain in relationships, leading us to try to force a relationship or change the other person.

Since originally writing this, I have become more radical in my assessment in the sense that I do not want to suggest that anything is easy. In fact, I suggest that maybe most of the time we are stuck with the people around us, and the task is to manage the best we can because there is nowhere else to go. There is much Pollyannaishness about that, which gives the impression that we have so many choices. That is a fantasy.

Often, the issue is most visible to people who possess stature and power, such as bosses, teachers, and leaders that we come across and are often dependent on. However, it's a fact of life that many, if not most of them, have had to make significant compromises in their lives, which sometimes involve treating people in not-so-nice ways. If you watch twenty video biographies of famous people, you may find only an occasional one who comes across as a "normal" person treat.

Therefore, if you associate with someone like this, whether it's a relative, boss, or mentor, it can be like making a pact with the devil. Is enduring the abuse worth it? Again, so often, people have no choice but to stay. That said, the boss is going where they want to go, and they won't change for you or me. We won't be the "exception" or the "special" friend. The most important thing to understand is that people may make you feel "special," that you are different. They may say, "I won't treat you like I treat others." Or did you just think you heard them say that? But the truth is, if you witness them treating others in ways you wouldn't want to be treated, I guarantee you will be treated the same way.

If you are free to move on, it is good to do so, but always be prepared for a similar person to be around the corner. If you are not free, then the admonition to accept the things you cannot change is a guiding principle, and you achieve that efficiently if you come to know and learn to regulate your internal emotional environment. 0 COMMENTS  

 ing others well.

Interest

Brian Lynch

You have your interest, and I have mine. Have you ever considered that "interest" is an emotional force? Why do you like your favorite color? Did you choose it? Of course, you didn't. You just like it. You have "interest" in it. Why do you like vanilla over chocolate? Did you choose that? So we can go down a very long list. We can talk about your job. I hope you "like" and "enjoy" it. Well, did you choose to do what you are doing?

It appears that our likes and dislikes, and what we are not interested in, start very early on in our life, and we have accumulated experiences that then guide us into new experiences and new interests. Of course, as we get older, that part that "reason" plays is much stronger.

But having said this, I am now very interested in what happens when you have your interest and I have mine, and they are different. What can happen? Well, there can be problems. The problems are made much worse because we have an unconscious belief that everything starts with "reason," and that reason is "logical" and, therefore, we are "right." If I am right, you must be "wrong."

Understanding that every desire, thought, plan, project, and moral dictum that has ever been devised by man has been based, in the end, on someone's or some group's emotional "interest" first, and remember this includes our own, just might help us.

We might start to realize that our desires, thoughts, yes, and beliefs are based on "logic" that is only constructed and applied to our interests after we have the interests. And again, interests are emotional formulations of our experiences, not logical formulations.

So is everything just "my opinion?" How can we solve disagreements if my "interest" is just as good as your "interest?"

In day-to-day life, this can be difficult, as we all know. Slowly we are starting to understand our emotions and to understand the power of teaching our children from an early age, for example, to be empathetic to others' feelings, i.e., interests. This is a basis to form not so many skills for argumentation and "winning" a point, but skills for discourse and conversation that lead to resolutions, contracts, and synthesis.

The other area where humans have made progress over the last several hundred years is that area called "science." Here scientists start with an "interest." For example, I am interested in finding a cure for cancer. Then they try to make rules to limit "emotional" input as much as possible once that first step is made. They do this mainly by having many people look at the procedures and agreeing on them and then having many people analyze the results so no one person or group" s "interests" dominates.

The point of all the words put in quotation marks is to suggest that particular interest and reason are never quite what they seem to be. They are never purely one or the other. Even without conscious thought emotion has its reason, its logic. And reason is motivated first by attention and interest. To paraphrase Silvan Tomkins emotion without reason is wild and reason without emotion is sterile.

When you want something you want it.

Brian Lynch

Come on admit it. When you want something you want it. We tend to want what we want when we want it and that is pretty much it and we want it now. We will pretty much lie, cheat and steal to get it. Are you offended?

What is my point? Well, just what I have said. I have become, of late, more and more impressed at how we avoid the truth of how we are. In my private and professional life, it continually amazes me how we avoid each other so much of the time. No matter how high we rise and often the higher we rise the more problems we have in “being straight” with each other.

I have the habit of, I guess, continually being “shocked” by people’s behavior in this regard and retell my experiences with others about my “shocking” experiences as how people have simply avoided the obvious problem or truth of a situation and much of the time people seem not surprised at all and are more surprised that I am “shocked.” That is they think I am naive. Thinking “Dr. Lynch, what do you expect of people, to be honest and forthright?” “Do you expect people to be anything other than backstabbers and competitive?”

The truth is I do. I do because it is possible. It is possible because such people exist. Part of “this” project, the total of what I write and other than share this information, is the idea that “human nature” is not fixed. Human nature is constantly changing and all the “negative” that we attribute to human action is counterbalanced by positive attributes that can be taught and augmented and have been throughout history.

But to be concrete and helpful I want to point out that we all make fools of ourselves in the heat of battle if we engage mouth before thinking. Much harm is done and often irreparable harm is done because we want what we want and we want it now and then we justify what we just did or said based on what we just wanted. The logic rarely works because we started at the wrong place, We started with an isolated desire.

None of us has been schooled in the complexity of competing interests. If you want to go to your mother's for Christmas and I want to go to mine, it does not mean at all that I do not like your mother. It means I want to go to see my mother more. That is all it means. But that makes all the difference in the world does it not? It also does not mean that I love you less. It also means that there is nothing I can do about this. What I want is not a reasoned decision! It means I want to see my mother. I believe almost no one understands conflict of interests and that when someone wants something they want it and there is not much one can do about it. There is a lot we can start to do about this if we start from an early age to understand the dynamic of this conflict and how inevitable it is; how to compromise with others and ourselves. We are still going to want what we want!

We come to realize these are primarily emotional issues. Interest is emotional and so we will then not make logical fools of ourselves when we try to reason our way out of the massive confusion, our multiple desires have created in our head because when we do someone ends up getting hurt because there is no way to make sense of them. We often end up attacking and humiliating others. This leads to guilt and shame and more attacking. Hey, a mess! It rarely gets us where we want to go. What we wanted! That is, we can’t make it all come out right. All our interests can’t come true. Knowing this from the beginning is the key. But I think we think because they are our interests they are therefore “reasonable” and therefore logical and therefore everything should work. Wrong.

In an earlier post, I quoted the director of the movie “The House of Fog and Sand” as saying, ”The film exposes the unsettling truth that sometimes it is our hopes[read “interests”], rather than our hatreds, that divide us.”