We Have to Learn to Give

By Brian Lynch M.D.

Whenever I write I wish not to be “pointing the finger at others” although it is natural to first see “wrong” in others,,  but very often I will write something and then be so surprised to be thinking about what I wrote and find that I remember doing a similar thing to someone just recently.

Today I am thinking about stories I have heard and experiences I have heard concerning people that just seem to be unable to, well, share very much.

In extreme form, it might be that you could not expect them to walk across the room and get you a glass of water.

People who might live with you for a week and maybe, just maybe wash the dish that they ate from. Otherwise, they feel that they need every last cent they have as “who knows what might happen tomorrow?”

People who know all about a given profession, are professional and yet after 20 years and claim you as their “best” friend, but I bet you, you have not gotten one bit of “free” advice from them. You might be “picking their brain!" Yet you have freely given of your knowledge as you see this as part and parcel of “friendship”, of sharing.

Over and over you hear, “I’d love to help you out” with this or that. I know how to do this or that. “You really should get this organized.” etc., but nothing ever comes of it.

A relative is full of advice. You’re desperate for tuition money but you just hear criticism. Had you done this or that? They are going to give all their savings to the poor in India when they die. That is the only solution they can see. “Otherwise, people just hurt you?”

So why are “we” like this so much of the time? Well, the last statement says it all. “Otherwise, people just hurt you?” If we are not creating the good times now, today. Why is it that we are not creating the good times now today? It must only be because we have learned to be cautious. A little logic must tell us that there should be a balance to this but then who is to tell us what that balance is? Where do we go to find out?

If we have been severely abused how do we even know we have been severely abused and we are overreacting? How do we know that we should be more giving and if we were more giving we would be better off? The thought is those that don’t know don’t know and are not “evil”, “mean” or “doing it on purpose” they just do not know. Those that can give in the moment and experience the “interest” and the resulting “joy” of giving and hopefully of receiving only know it through doing. The receiving part is very important because the downside is that is almost as dangerous and “sick” to give and give without receiving as to not give. We need balance the year-round.

Copyright 2008

What is an addiction? 

Brian Lynch, M.D.

What is addiction, you might wonder? This question came up in a conversation with someone who recently became involved in treating individuals struggling with drug use. Why do we become addicted to anything?

Allow me to reiterate a fundamental concept: our actions are not detached from our emotions. We don't just randomly decide, "Oh, I think I'll have a beer." There's always a source behind that thought, driven by certain feelings.

We experience a range of emotions—good, bad, hurt, confused—and then take action. When feeling hurt or confused, that action could be spending excessive time on the computer, indulging in marathon TV sessions, seeking new partners every month, overeating, or resorting to drugs and alcohol. As a therapist, it's intriguing how initially unaware people are of the connection between their pain and the coping mechanisms they rely on.

In these few words, I highlight how easily we lose sight of our original intentions. That's why our answers often fall short when asked about the reasons behind our actions. What typically happens is that everything seems fine as we go about our lives until something from the past hinders us from achieving what we truly desire. It could be a damaged relationship with our parents, siblings, romantic partners, or career or education setbacks. Anything at all has the potential to shatter us in a single moment. In our search for relief, we stumble upon something that alleviates the pain. The feeling is so overwhelming that it temporarily erases our memory of our original aspirations—well, almost erases it. However, if we persist with the addiction, it gradually becomes the dominant force in our lives, transforming into what they call "a lifestyle." And if asked, we have to pause and reflect on why we embarked on this path in the first place.

 In the realm of addiction, emotions intertwine with actions in intricate ways. By delving deeper into the emotional underpinnings, we gain insight into the motivations behind addictive behaviors.

"A Thanksgiving Memory"

"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."

By Brian Lynch, M.D.  

Thanksgiving, as usual, was a mixed bag. It is so often a terrible occasion for so many as are so many holidays and birthdays. Instead of joy, shame, humiliation, fear, and disgust raise their heads.

So it was for me a mixed situation as I could not be with someone dear to me and we, that is, they and me often accustomed to having the day not be pleasant to start with. I, however, after several years of tiring of ambivalence and a few solitary holidays have, in recent years, sworn to spend them with family outside the country. So Thanksgiving being an American holiday makes it a bit confusing all around.

So, why bother at all? And many don’t. My thought for today is that we need to arrange our lives in some fashion. We have a history. We have tradition. Things change slowly. We do our best. All we can do is be as aware as we can and adapt slowly as we learn. The traditions we have are to help us manage our emotions and relations. We cannot get together with family all the time as much as we wish. It seems that holidays, birthdays, and other festive occasions are a way to “force” us to do just that. They are as artificial and as full of fantasy as they are in the end very practical. They are solid parts of the yearly calendar that are going to come ”hell or high water” and we have to deal with them. Lucky we are if those days will represent anticipation of interest and joy.

Unfortunately, we are if not. But if not we can ask the question what if we did not have these opportunities? Would we organize our lives to have reunions without such social sanctions? Surely we might well hope that we are evolving towards such a world where we would care as much for each other in the middle of March as the middle of December but we are not there yet.

This is still not to say that people do not suffer terribly when important anniversaries and holidays come by especially if they find themselves alone sometimes. But if progress is to be made we have to start somewhere. Somewhere in with noting those things that are not going to change. The calendar is not going to change. The events of the past are not going to change. What can change is, if we are ready, and maybe we are not, and if not that is ok. 

But if we are ready and for example, we are reading this, then some course of study about our emotions might be in order. We might start to realize that we have never really learned or been taught much of anything about our emotions.

I am certain that if holidays and anniversaries are difficult that there are ways to learn to prepare for those days and seasons differently and change our emotional response to them and once again live in the present with those around us. It does take interest.

Copyrigth 2008

“Jealousy”

By Brian Lynch, M.D.

What is this feeling? Does everyone feel it? I am not sure. I don’t think so. First of all, it is my feeling that most all emotional words, and this is something I will often say, are composite words. That is, they are made up of more basic emotional words and therefore may not signify the same feelings for each of us.

That is when you feel “jealous” you might feel “angry” while if I say I feel “jealous” I might translate that to saying I have a feeling of “disgust” or a feeling of “disgust” and “fear.” I might say I am “hurt” but I think being jealous usually denotes a more active or aggressive stance while saying you are “hurt” might seem more “passive.” That said I think all jealousy comes first from a feeling of being “hurt” and evolves into a more aggressive posture.

It is a simple dynamic. I am interested in this or that and I feel a threat that I am not going to ever get this or that or I am going to lose what I already have. The operative theme is that it is about me. This is true even in a relationship. It is still about me, not about the relationship. It is about me losing the relationship.

Jealousy is negative input. It is essentially saying “I do not trust you.” It is also saying that you do not trust yourself.
In some sense, it has to do with your thoughts of you’re not smart enough, good-looking enough, rich enough, or caring enough to stay attractive to the other person. Fear and distress build and anger follow and we blame others for what we perceive to be our inadequacies.

On the other hand, if we say that we do not trust our mate is it not the same thing? It is our insecurity.

Now it is different if there has been a history of betrayal with others past or present. It is hard to trust again. But they can and often are very different types of circumstances and feelings. Can we believe that the good times can continue?

Jealousy is often a way of sabotaging a relationship. We have deep in our minds that no relationship can survive so negative thoughts always creep in and eventually destroy the “good scenes.” The good times that could have been. We accuse, blame, presume, and limit a person’s actions and associations without the least knowledge or basis.

It is also, is it not, that psychological disaster of tempting the person to do exactly what you do not want them to do? Don’t eat the candy! So they do?

Now what if someone is unfaithful? Well, do we own someone? Can we control anyone? I think not.

In such situations, something is wrong with the relationship! Either we look at ourselves first and then 1) see if we a) want to continue the relationship and b) if the other party wants to and if we both can repair it together or 2) we move on.

We might think it is “natural” to “attack” the other party. I say nothing is “natural”, there are just as many people who blame themselves for their partner's infidelity.

We need to start to see the complexity of these situations and one way to do it is to start to stop using “simple” words like “jealousy” and start thinking about how we feel and why we feel that way.

Mutual Interest

By Brian Lynch, M.D.

There is something that runs through many of these short pieces that I write that I hope you will experience. Note I did not say “understand.” Of course, understanding is important,  but without experience, little is gained.

I have mentioned that “interest” is an emotional experience. We do not “choose” to be interested in something or somebody. It happens. I like to say that it is what we are all looking for, “All we want is for someone to be interested in us.” Likewise, all we want is to be interested in someone else. We might be tempted to stop at the first half and say “yes” that is it “someone to be interested in me!” But that is not it, is it? For a relationship to grow it must be mutual, a give and take.

There is the tragedy of the teenage mother who says that she had her baby so “someone would love me.” But can we truly examine our relationships and say that we are so different?

Each of us is on a virgin path. We may be coming out of a terrible time. We may be overwhelmed with anger, fear, and shame and we may have been alone for a very long time. Then we meet someone. They are interested in us. There is no other feeling like this. We have a very special name for it, we often call it “love.” I encourage people to stay with the word “interest.” “I am interested in you!”

In this situation we want to get our bearings we do not want it to be “too” much. “Falling in love” can be, and is, dangerous, especially if you have been in a very bad place. We go overboard. We put all our hopes in this one part of our life.

But it can be and is the most healing and healthy of all occurrences if handled correctly because “interest” in others is what we are built for; interest in another intimate relationship as well as not-so-intimate relationships. When these are blocked we are lost. We are hurt. We are confused. We then can hurt ourselves in many ways through further isolation; drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, and simply being alone.

That simple interest felt by another can be life-changing. One now completes the biological circuit, we are all meant to participate in but for it to last and be sustained we need to return the favor. That angle that has shown interest needs it returned and then you both need to cultivate those mutual and common interests that are going to sustain you through all the hard times to come. Those will be the times that your combined interests applied to these difficult problems will bring profound joy.

Copyright 2008