“’The Negative’ Is Interesting.”

“’The Negative’ Is Interesting.”

Brian Lynch

"Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud.”  Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

One of my main messages to people in person or in writing is the idea that we live in a world of confusion and hurt and even though this is true we manage to deny this to a  great extent. 

The exact nature of what I want to explore took me about six months to comprehend so now ten years later I am reevaluating my approach. I am stepping back and trying to empathize with my reader and understand that if it took me six months what can I expect of others?

It is that and the fact that it is one thing to understand a concept and it is another to make it part of your life.

It is well known, for example, that it takes physicians about a year, on average, to fully implement some innovation in their practice. What are we to expect of patients when they learn something new from us? Many might be put off by that statement feeling I am patronizing the reader and my patients. At the end of it all, I am saying that we are all slow learners and that is not to say that many, very many are smarter and faster learners than I am.

But so I come along and I suggest something that sounds a bit crazy and that is that we need to pay very close attention to the moment when we get “hurt.” I have said that “interest in the negative brings joy.” This will bring looks of puzzlement at times, probably more often than not. Why would anyone want to look at the negative? Don’t we want to “run away” from the negative?

Well, why would anyone look at the negative? First, the negative is inevitably going to happen. It is going to happen many times during the day. We say that it happens when I don’t get what I want. So I must want something first. Well, we are always wanting something. I want my coffee and there is none. I am late for work and the train is stopped. I want to eat dinner and I get a call that my child is in the ER. I want my child to be well, thousands of wants that are stopped. I want to move forward but I also do not want to betray conflicting family values.

For me these are small and large “hurts” that cause at least a modicum of temporary “confusion.” “Now what do I do?” Often it is the confusion that leads to terrible wrenching tragedy.

The ideal thing to do, and what is so hard to comprehend at first, is in the school days phrase “stop, look and listen.” What is the hurt and confusion telling me? It is getting my attention. It is telling me something is wrong and that I should do something about it. But that is not so easy, is it? How do I know what I do not know? It is really what I feel. I feel I want to move forward to connection in mutual positive interest with others. What is stopping me and how do I overcome it? If you are stuck with these questions and feel the pain of answering them please do not give up. Keep at it no matter how often you fall back.

So often what we do is avoid the hurt and the confusion because who likes hurt and confusion? It is very old knowledge that we go towards pleasure and away from pain.

So a very simple truth and it can take a long, long time for it to sink in and if you read this you may think I am either just dumb or useless. I hope that you will at least get a glimmer of the thought that our reaction too often is indeed to avoid instead of looking to the confusion and seeing it as a problem to be solved. That is getting interested in the negative.

Now, again, this writing has been triggered by the fact that I realize how some people that I know are brilliant in their understanding of many concepts but have not internalized them. That is they do not practice them fully in their lives. And then I say do I after more than ten years? I certainly do more and more. But it all takes time. And the more confusion, shame, and abuse you have suffered in your life it does not matter how well you “understand” the concepts it is going to take time for them to enter your nervous system and become “you.” We know that to become good at anything it takes about ten years. Any journey starts with the first step. Good luck and never be afraid to ask for help.