A GENERIC LETTER
[Peter],
Since seeing you I have wanted to write something based on what you said about your long-term friend. You talked about him hurting you by not telling you of the death of another friend. You talked about how you have come to be unable to tolerate his behavior in the world such as not paying rent and staying until evicted. You feel hurt by his actions and by the waste of such talent.
These thoughts, much like those concerning many of my relationships, made me sad. At the same time, it amazes me how much clarity I feel I have about such actions as you described.
As I have already sent you a lot of material, I hope that you have spent some time with it, as you say you have. That said, I seem to keep seeing the nub of human interaction in simpler and simpler terms.
I guess, rock bottom, I am saying we should always keep it simple and understand psychic pain as no different than physical pain, and indeed psychic pain is in the tissues of the brain. The cause, too, is in the brain, in the form of memory.
Interest is an emotion and physical. We can’t help but be interested in the world from the time we pop out into the world.
Interest is always, however, being interrupted. That interruption is minor and we change our focus and hardly notice, or it can be very large, in which case we might feel very very bad.
It seems that our daily task might be to simply say that if the ratio of positive interest to negative memory, crap, or whatever comes at us from the world. If it is weighted to the negative we will often have learned, from childhood, to “script” our response to that negative in four characteristic ways. A psychiatrist, Donald Nathanson, contributed to our knowledge of ourselves by neatly packaging those negative scripts in the “Compass Of Shame.”
I am interested --><--- Something gets in my way then ------->>>>>
I feel: hurt, confused, “bad,” “shamed”
I then :
1. Withdraw and/or
2. Blame myself and/or
3. Avoid: sex, drugs and rock and roll, TV, etc and/or
4. Attack Others.
So withdrawal can be breaking off a friendship, getting a divorce, or not asking someone on a date that you are interested in.
Blame or Attack Self: “It’s my fault,” “I am an idiot,” “I deserve to go to hell.”
Avoid: Surfing the net, drinking, or anything that can take us away from the
pain.
Attack other: yelling at someone, being “passive-aggressive,” and
shooting someone.
Now the deal is: what is causing the pain is often hidden and often it is not. Most of the people that I talk to, if I have time, know exactly why they do what they do, but it is also “too difficult to talk about, or it hurts too
much.” Whether it is hidden or not may have little meaning. The point is that it is causing pain that I want to treat in whatever way I can. People say exactly what they mean if you just let them talk and listen closely. I do it because… I was hurt… I do it because I hurt… I do not know what to do… I feel guilty about it… I do it because I feel guilty…. I did it again.
What we do may be using heroin or watching TV. We all have scripts that take us away from pain.
Someone I work with, identified that shame, hurt, and confusion as the sources of her pain and understands at one level that she simply DOES NOT KNOW any other way to deal with it, i.e. we have to learn how to deal with it, parents have to teach us how to deal with it other than the hurtful way she is dealing with it knowing it is harmful, or we have to work very hard and think very hard about ourselves and how we got in the mess we are in. Most importantly, though, we cannot and should not blame ourselves, or for that matter, we should not blame anyone.
Who knows what your friend was hurt by early on? I guarantee that he has been hurt and feels much pain. Although highly intelligent, he has withdrawn from life, many do. It just gets worse as time goes by and others are seen, “in the world,” as he might see you in your now “high” position, he feels more shame, the more he withdraws.
It is such a simple concept that we all know is true but we are always trying to come up with more “sophisticated” or “adult” explanations. You in turn are hurt by his withdrawal. So Withdrawal can be just as hurtful as an attack. Why should they feel different? As what has engendered both is the same thing: psychic pain in the withdrawing or attacking other.
There is nothing you can do but be infinitely patient, and take care of yourself, thereby being a model and waiting. Our inclination, however, often is to attack back. Why? Because we feel shame.
Well that’s the way I see it anyway, and it is a start, I hope.
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