It is not about you.

Time and again, I go over a simple thought for myself and others: Do not take things so personally, and do not think you are special in a relationship, especially in terms of negative attributes.

If you see someone that is your friend, or you think is your friend, doing things to people that you do not like, do not make the mistake and say to yourself, “Oh, I am special; Tom won’t do that to me.”

We all have been, and are, abused. We all make the above mistake. We all “disavow” the truth. The truth is right under our noses, but we would rather not see it.

The more we take off the blinders, the more we might be able to keep those friends as much as possible and help them and ourselves. We will reduce our trauma as we will less and less be blindsided and stop saying why, why me?

We will be able to stop saying it because we will have the great insight that it is so much not about me. It is about them. You see, if you observe their behavior, they are doing these things that bother you to everyone in the same fashion. This is what we call a script. It is like a computer program. Yes, sorry to say, humans in many ways are like this. If we were not, we could get nothing done. Scripts are “good” and “bad.” I get up and start brushing my teeth, and don’t even realize it, and while brushing, I am in the process of composing this essay. That is the usefulness of a script. It “frees up thinking.”

Unfortunately, humans can get “scripted” in all kinds of ways. Due to early experiences, we generalize certain dislikes, subtlety unconscious or even conscious we have about people. These are the root of great pain and fear that people harbor their entire lives unless they get help. A very common fear is one of abandonment because the person was abandoned at a vulnerable time, and they now project that on every relationship. They might have some sort of “disgust” for people in general that they really have no understanding of, but it is there, always interfering with things. They need to get to the root of it. So, we think it is about us. Why don’t they like me? What is wrong with me?

Often, people with severe problems have overcompensated in other parts of their personality. They are, that is, for example, very seductive. They conquer us. They have the same need for attachment as all of us, but let’s say they have this lingering disgust. They would be at war with themselves, would they not? So they seduce, and even fall into a kind of love, but then it has to end. So, it is that we often blame ourselves.

What I have noticed in my own life, and what has been so convincing and so remarkable to me with several people in several types of relationships, be it family, dating, or friendships, the person has been greatly abused, but now, when the person is in a safer saner environment, not only due to me but to various other factors, it seems to make such little difference. Again, the point is, it is not about you or even the environment but about them, at least at first, and often for a very long time. Unfortunately, this can be a setup to blame and shame the person for not “taking advantage” of a good situation, or “not wanting” to, or being “lazy,” or “wanting everything handed to them on a platter.” It can all be frustrating.