"Self-Esteem"
Brian Lynch
What is “self-esteem?” Over the last twenty or more years it has been a buzz phrase that has garnered much attention, especially in the school environment.
At first blush, it would seem that no one could argue the worth of someone enhancing his or her self-esteem.
This has led to many, many good and not-so-good innovations. Many places have de-emphasized competition. Probably the best outward sign of this is in athletics where, especially in the younger years, everyone leaves the “competition” with a trophy or ribbon. On the other hand, for the most part, there has been lip service to these ideas. Competition is more than alive and well.
But what of “self-esteem?” The downside has been a curious unintended consequence of children in effect, and putting it in plain language, “thinking too much of themselves.” The emphasis switches to “I” should feel well or have a right to feel well at all costs or I “deserve” to feel good and any pain and suffering is now a new defeat.
It is a vicious circle as the whole point of “self-esteem” programs is to make you feel good about yourself but if this threshold is crossed and I get the screwy idea that I am now entitled to no problems, well, as someone said, “When desire outruns reality shame ensues.” When we want too much, care too much, reach too high we fall on our faces. “Self-esteem” in short is a weak concept. It is important, but falling on your face is inevitable too.
I see it as a need to teach young people from the earliest ages to be aware of emotional problem-solving. This simply translates to “problem-solving” in general. The core of this teaching is that one is always going to feel the pangs of defeat and that the way to feel good about oneself is to “Solve the problem!” We then learn to combine our suffering with “self-esteem.” I get interested in the problem and thus do “work.” Get interested in the pain and it will go away. Interest plus work = JOY! “I” did something. “I” participated. I either succeeded or I did not, but put the emphasis on trying, nothing better than “A” for effort if we are going to have such judgments. “Self-esteem” is one of those many slights of hand that we have come up with to make us think there is a “Royal Road”, an easy way, to “Happiness.”
A central part in teaching “doing it right” is to emphasize not only interest in self but also in how others feel. Feeling good is a joint enterprise. We want to have “mutual interests.”
Again “self-esteem” can be a very dangerous concept that can lead me to believe that I should always end up “smelling like a rose.” Then, on the other hand, I am not telling anyone to tell anyone to “toughen up.” I would rather not use the concept at all. I think the whole thing is solved by understanding that we all need our interests, our “joys” and hopefully we will have our interests that we will have with others. These will be tasks that we can complete with others and this will lead to moments of pride and joy. We may fail, but we will have been taught that that is part of the process, part of the learning process.
At first blush, it would seem that no one could argue the worth of someone enhancing his or her self-esteem.
This has led to many, many good and not-so-good innovations. Many places have de-emphasized competition. Probably the best outward sign of this is in athletics where, especially in the younger years, everyone leaves the “competition” with a trophy or ribbon. On the other hand, for the most part, there has been lip service to these ideas. Competition is more than alive and well.
But what of “self-esteem?” The downside has been a curious unintended consequence of children in effect, and putting it in plain language, “thinking too much of themselves.” The emphasis switches to “I” should feel well or have a right to feel well at all costs or I “deserve” to feel good and any pain and suffering is now a new defeat.
It is a vicious circle as the whole point of “self-esteem” programs is to make you feel good about yourself but if this threshold is crossed and I get the screwy idea that I am now entitled to no problems, well, as someone said, “When desire outruns reality shame ensues.” When we want too much, care too much, reach too high we fall on our faces. “Self-esteem” in short is a weak concept. It is important, but falling on your face is inevitable too.
I see it as a need to teach young people from the earliest ages to be aware of emotional problem-solving. This simply translates to “problem-solving” in general. The core of this teaching is that one is always going to feel the pangs of defeat and that the way to feel good about oneself is to “Solve the problem!” We then learn to combine our suffering with “self-esteem.” I get interested in the problem and thus do “work.” Get interested in the pain and it will go away. Interest plus work = JOY! “I” did something. “I” participated. I either succeeded or I did not, but put the emphasis on trying, nothing better than “A” for effort if we are going to have such judgments. “Self-esteem” is one of those many slights of hand that we have come up with to make us think there is a “Royal Road”, an easy way, to “Happiness.”
A central part in teaching “doing it right” is to emphasize not only interest in self but also in how others feel. Feeling good is a joint enterprise. We want to have “mutual interests.”
Again “self-esteem” can be a very dangerous concept that can lead me to believe that I should always end up “smelling like a rose.” Then, on the other hand, I am not telling anyone to tell anyone to “toughen up.” I would rather not use the concept at all. I think the whole thing is solved by understanding that we all need our interests, our “joys” and hopefully we will have our interests that we will have with others. These will be tasks that we can complete with others and this will lead to moments of pride and joy. We may fail, but we will have been taught that that is part of the process, part of the learning process.
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