Why do those young girls do that?
2009
Revised
By Dr. Brian Lynch
These issues have always been important, but since originally writing this they take on new meaning with the rise of social media and most recently the rise of artificial intelligence and its ability to deceive in the wrong hands.
This is sparked by something I saw on T.V. It was a common story. On a talk show, there was the mother; middle-aged, single, overweight, and worried about her 13 y.o. daughter. The daughter dressed somewhat provocatively and looked at least a few years beyond her years.
The discussion was over the girl’s relationship with a much older man she met on the Internet. The mother was frantic that the girl was going to go down the same path she had gone down.
The issues are not uncommon and there are several: 1) the idea of someone this age having a relationship of any kind let alone someone much older, 2) the issue of privacy, and 3) her sexuality.
This is not about sex, at least primarily. No, all the participants are ships passing in the night. A lot of “don’t”: “Don’t dress like that.” “Don’t do what I did.” “Don’t talk to those people on the Internet”. And “Don't have sex.”
If you listen to the young women it does have little to do with sex. It has to do with the fact that someone is interested in her. She feels recognized. She feels she is somebody.
The sad fact is she too is a ship passing this man in the night which makes it all the more tragic. Why? Because she really does not realize her sexuality. All she knows is that she feels good due to this man's interest. Interest makes us feel wonderful.
All we want is for someone to be interested in us.
She loves her mother and her mother loves her but telling people not to do something no matter the interest in them sends a message of no interest. Why? Because my interest is not your interest.
We first and foremost, know that the mind is “positive”. The mind wants to go with the flow. It wants to accept input as reality, as true. To say “no don’t do that” makes the mind work very hard. It is the old “pink elephant” problem. I tell you not to think of a pink elephant. It is then impossible not to think of a pink elephant. The mind has to do double the work. It has to think of the pink elephant and then think about not thinking about it.
If, however, I ask you what you want, what your goals are, and where you want to go, I might get a lot further. There might be a conversation in which I can advise and share instead of scolding.
But back to sex. We mistake sexuality for our feelings. Sex is a drive. A drive we need to learn about through feeling about it. We presume these young women know what they are doing as they “act the part.” Many do. Many are quite sophisticated. But to know you have to really talk to them and respect them. Most do not have much of a clue and sexuality. They are taught that they are their bodies and not much else. But if I can so seemingly “effortlessly” gain others' interest, what power and how easy it is to accept the lesson?
Of course, life is strewn with the aftermath of divorce, poverty, and single parenthood when all I wanted was your “interest.”
When the interest is only linked to sexuality, it can lead to feelings of guilt and shame once things have gone sour. And they will go sour. Again ships passing in the night. The girl wants to feel the joy of someone’s interest where the sex drive is predominant in this male and in this case, driven by his unfortunate sexual formation from early on. For the girl when the relationship fails sex can be forever linked to a bad feeling instead of interest and joy.
And why? Because somehow I missed it from those who raised me.
But too, it is complicated by the family image I have. Where that is, do I belong in the cosmos? Our answer is often only what we know and that is to follow “the tribe”, the family. No matter the problems I see in my parents “This is who I am” and I must be the same. In fact, to do differently would humiliate them and me.
