Thursday, April 30, 2009

Why do those young girls do that?

Why do those young girls do that.

By Dr. Brian Lynch

This is sparked by something I saw on T.V. It was a common story. On a talk show there was the mother; middle aged, single, overweight and worried about her 13 y.o. daughter. The daughter dressed somewhat provocatively and looking at least a few years beyond her years.

The discussion was over the girl’s relationship with a much older man, through the Internet. The mother was frantic that the girl was going to go down the same path she did.

I wished I could have taped this interview, albeit not an uncommon one. Certainly the issues are not uncommon. What issues? There are several: 1) the idea of someone this age having a relationship of any kind let alone someone much older, 2) the issue of privacy and 3) her sexuality.

This is not about sex, nope, not about sex, at least primarily. No, all the participants are ships passing in the night. A lot of “don’ts”. “Don’t dress like that.” “Don’t do what I did. “Don’t talk to those people on the Internet”. And “Don't have sex.”

If you listen to the young women it does have little to do with sex. It has to do with the fact that someone is interested in her. She feels recognized. She feels she is somebody.

The sad fact is she too is a ship passing this man in the night which makes it all the more tragic. Why? Because she really does not realize her sexuality. All she knows is that she feels good due to this mans interest. Interest makes us feel wonderful.

All we want is for someone to be interested in us.

She loves her mother and her mother loves her but telling people not to do something no matter the interest in them sends a message of no interest. Why? Because my interest is not your interest.

We first and foremost know that the mind is a ‘positive” reciprocal. The mind wants to go with the flow. It wants to accept input as reality, as true. To say “no don’t do that” makes the mind work very hard. It is the old “pink elephant” problem. I tell you not to think of a pink elephant. It is then impossible not to think of a pink elephant. The mind has to do double the work. It has to think of the pink elephant and then think about not thinking about it.

If, however, I ask you what you want, what your goals are and where you want to go, I might get a lot further. There might be a conversation in which I can advise and share instead of scold.

But back to sex. We mistake sexuality for our feelings. Sex is a drive. A drive we need to learn about through feeling about it. We presume these young women know what they are doing as they “act the part.” Many do. Many are quite sophisticated. But to know you have to really talk to them and respect them. Most do not have much of a clue. They are their bodies among other things. But if I can so seemingly “effortlessly” gain others interest, what power!

Of course life is strewn with the aftermath of divorce, poverty and single parenthood when all I wanted was your “interest.”

And why? Because somehow I missed it from those who raised me.

But too it is complicated by the family image I have. Where, that is, do I belong in the cosmos? Our answer is often only what we know and that is to follow “the clan”, “the tribe”, the family. No matter the problems I see in my parents “this is who I am” and I must be the same. In fact to do different would humiliate them and myself.