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This is the introduction to my pamphlet entitled Doing -Thinking -Feeling- In the World and serves as an introduction to this blog. You migh...

Psychology blogs & blog posts

Thursday, October 30, 2008

“Mutual Interest”

Mutual Interest



By Brian Lynch, M.D.


There is something that runs through many of these short pieces that I write that I hope you will experience. Note I did not say “understand.” Of course, understanding is important,  but without experience, little is gained.


I have mentioned that “interest” is an emotional experience. We do not “choose” to be interested in something or somebody. It happens. I like to say that it is what we are all looking for, “All we want is for someone to be interested in us.” Likewise, all we want is to be interested in someone else. We might be tempted to stop at the first half and say “yes” that is it “someone to be interested in me!” But that is not it, is it? For a relationship to grow it must be mutual, a give and take.


There is the tragedy of the teenage mother who says that she had her baby so “someone would love me.” But can we truly examine our relationships and say that we are so different?


Each of us is on a virgin path. We may be coming out of a terrible time. We may be overwhelmed with anger, fear, and shame and we may have been alone for a very long time. Then we meet someone. They are interested in us. There is no other feeling like this. We have a very special name for it, we often call it “love.” I encourage people to stay with the word “interest.” “I am interested in you!”


In this situation we want to get our bearings we do not want it to be “too” much. “Falling in love” can be, and is, dangerous, especially if you have been in a very bad place. We go overboard. We put all our hopes in this one part of our life.


But it can be and is the most healing and healthy of all occurrences if handled correctly because “interest” in others is what we are built for; interest in another intimate relationship as well as not-so-intimate relationships. When these are blocked we are lost. We are hurt. We are confused. We then can hurt ourselves in many ways through further isolation; drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, and simply being alone.


That simple interest felt by another can be life-changing. One now completes the biological circuit, we are all meant to participate in but for it to last and be sustained we need to return the favor. That angle that has shown interest needs it returned and then you both need to cultivate those mutual and common interests that are going to sustain you through all the hard times to come. Those will be the times that your combined interests applied to these difficult problems will bring profound joy.


Copyright 2008


Let’s Be Happy Today!

"Let's Be Happy Today"

Brian Lynch, M.D

2008 Revised


We do not worry about the fact that we didn't eat yesterday or better yet that we did not breathe yesterday. Nor do we worry ourselves with the fact that we were thirsty or sleepy yesterday. What are these situations? Well, they are referred to as drives. We have a drive to eat and sleep and breath.

Our drives are bodily functions that take place pretty much in the background and function daily; hunger, thirst, the need to breathe, the sexual drive, the need to evacuate, and sleep. Of course, this is not always the case. When food or money is not plentiful we will worry about tomorrow's meal and the hope for sexual activity occupies many a mind, but again, for the most part, the drives work on a twenty-four-hour cycle.

I now suggest that our emotions are meant to do the same. That feelings and emotions should be thought of as bodily functions that work throughout a given day. If they are not treated this way I suggest that almost all of life's problems center on the fact that we are after some type of "happiness" that does not exist. A hoped-for future that we have no power over or means of knowing that we can achieve.

I now work on the belief that we have a basic set of feelings that are just as physical as our heartbeat or kidneys or lungs. We are either angry, happy, distressed, fearful, experiencing shame, surprised, repulsed, or interested. So, just as we have to go to the bathroom within a twenty-four period and breathe, at least every few minutes, so we have to feel in our bodies. When do we feel? Well, I think we are "feeling" all the time but we are so used to it that we usually hardly notice. Most of the time we have at least a low level of "interest" in our environment. And interest is an emotional feeling.

Feelings motivate. Feelings tell us what to do. And we first want to get through today before we move on to tomorrow. This is important when we are thinking about "happiness."

If we "feel" in our bodies, then we "feel" happy in our body now, today, not tomorrow. It would seem best then to pay attention to the "here and now" and solve our problems today and not get caught up in some sought-after possibility of being "happy" tomorrow but we do so, so very often and neglect our problems of today.