"Everything and Nothing"

Sweet dreams are made of this

Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

The Eurythmics 

The theme of being hurt and the consequences of the damage done is rich in facets. I often feel a deadening amount of time is spent on it and it seems to keep me from focusing on the more positive aspects of my interests. But hurt and interest are so intertwined that there will always be interplay. To speak of one is to speak of the other.

Once again, I was trying to counsel someone about his or her heartbreak with a person that was having difficulty with addiction, coming and going from a relationship in rather rapid succession.

As one goes along in hearing these stories there are certainly two constant themes, one is that once in a relationship, it is not an easy thing to pull out. The other is that, at least the more and more I repeat the principles I use the more I see that relationships vary, more than anything, only in their intensity. Realizing this has the most profound implications because we then all end up in the same boat. Or to use a phase Dan Weil has used from Dickens that we all recognize that we are all “Fellow passengers to the grave.” I believe that it can and should make leaving a relationship harder as we realize the grass is likely never to be greener.

But a qualifier, a big one, of course, and that is there are many relationships of such inequality and abuse that they should end. Relationships that, in effect, were never consensual or were entered into by deceit, are not valid.

On the other hand, Shakespeare did it again when he penned “Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.” In my language, this translates to not letting shame enter into a relationship. Or, we know we have great interest in each other, but we also know that things can be rough, very rough and the roughness is not a reason to leave. Good luck in trying to leave. You can leave, of course, but one way or another you will pay.

That said, it may indeed be very rough as with the person I was giving counsel. What do I say? How do we stand by and watch and try to care for a loved one that is medicating their hurt by hiding or by drinking or harming themselves in other ways? What does one do? How do you not hurt yourself more? In the same ways? This is very important. How do you medicate your pain? How is it that this person can control you? It is simple; we need people in our lives. We need to be interested in others. And for better or worse here they are. We meet the people we meet.

People get hurt. People are abandoned and their brain is hurt. Depending on the degree of hurt so will their degree of confusion and ability to stay in a relationship. For a long time, they may need a lot of help.

During much of the healing time, it seems as if the more damaged person wants everything from you and wants nothing. It is the most agonizing of possible states of love. It is the razor's edge of shame and interest, the absolute borderline. It is on the one hand “complete” control of the desired object. If I keep the object at just the right distance then “they” cannot abandon me. My mindset is “I want nothing from them.” Or “I need nothing from them.” Actually “How in the world could I possibly need anything from you.” “On the other hand, the precise distance affords me immediate access to ‘everything’” if I need it. But what do I have? Nothing. It is sand through my fingers.

Brian Lynch

"School Violence"

AFFECT AND ADOLESCENCE

ON THE TRAGEDY IN LITTLETON and other shootings.

Revised

I am a family doc, and I am supposed to know everything, so if someone asks me about the school shooting in Littleton, Colorado, or other shootings, I am supposed to have an answer. 

Several years ago, I would not have had a very good answer. I do now. I wrote this originally sometime near the time of the Columbine shooting now 25 years ago. Things are not better. The cause is the same and as shootings have gone far beyond schools we need to understand that the same dynamic applies.

So the piece is based on the simplest of concepts. It is not more security, it is not having armed teachers and it is not mostly everything that is being repeated. It is about not hurting people. But we must start at the right place. It is about not hurting our children so they do not hurt others.

I now modify the above by saying that we are in such trouble that addressing the problem through education about hurting others, while essential, is not going to stem the tide by itself. We must stem the tide of guns. Since Columbine, the number of guns has increased by some 100 million in the united states. More than one per citizen.

But I am writing about the core issue of processing hurt. At the time of Columbine, I had just learned of a concept that I will call a "a compass of hurt." When we are hurt, we either withdraw, attack others, attack ourselves, or try and avoid the situation; these four ways, in the main, only cover up the hurt; they do not address the hurt.

That said there is a fifth way, and that is to examine the hurt. To come and appreciate it and its roots. To deal with it, to take the hit and then ask the question, why did this or that hurt me so much that I would attack another or berate myself or use drugs? The hurt we feel can come from an idea, a thought, or a memory. 

The hurt comes because we are interested in life, and things get in our way. We are interested in having loving parents, but we don't. We are interested in having loving siblings but don't. We are interested in having loving classmates but don't. The teenage years are some of the most vulnerable to feeling hurt. It is that time of great definition in our life. What is important is, I firmly believe, not the influence of radio, TV, or movies but the influence of those people that we have great interest in. If we are attentive parents, teachers, and friends, we will not produce people that will take murderers as our example.

To be sure, this is not a simple journey. I do not accuse, as we, who expound this psychology, also believe that, unfortunately, life can be and is quite capricious. Single instances of intense emotion seem to be able to dramatically affect one's actions and outlook on life. Thus we know that a child can be easily damaged. 

The trick is not to point the finger at the parents but at all of us; parents, teachers, doctors, friends, and neighbors need to care about each other's hurt. We must ask and make it clear that it is OK to show emotion. It seems, in the main, that the "trench coat Mafia", the group of the Columbine pair was part of what was seen simply as esoteric. 

We do not want to expunge individuality, but we believe that it is imperative to become sensitive to such isolation at this age, or truly at any age, and ask ourselves are withdrawing due to hurt and might that withdrawal revert, at any time, to attack. To quote Dr. Donald Nathanson, the attack comes when "if there is nothing we can do by our own hand or mind to raise our self-esteem, we tend to reduce the self-esteem of anybody available."

When you woke up this morning there was mostly likely another mass shooting last night or going on right now.

"Heart attack"

"Heart attack"

Brian Lynch

I was recounting to a patient how when I get the chance, usually on a plane, I like to read through several newspapers; and if I concentrate on it, it will be a pretty sure bet that I can quickly pinpoint an article with a "shame". Shame is always right under our noses. Again and again, why do we ignore this valuable information?

In this case, I was reading, I believe, the "Wall Street Journal," and there was an article about cardiac resuscitation. The long and short of it was that at the end of the article, it was noted that lives could be saved if people were not "embarrassed" about calling 911.

Not "embarrassed" about calling 911? We would rather die than have the paramedics show up or get to the ER and have someone tell us that it is an upset stomach or a panic attack than a heart attack.

So how important is the teaching of shame and humiliation? You can bet your life. Again pointing the finger except at everyone, including myself, as I can see myself doing this very same thing as the patient that does not call 911.

Now the article used the word "embarrassed" instead of "shame" and might well have used "ashamed." Have you ever thought about why we have these words for this similar feeling? I often say in my more than several years of philosophical studies, and I remember, maybe but one conversation about these words. I think that is odd.

Well, it seems to be that shame is a feeling we all must suffer simply because we all want things. It is a message to us that things are not going well. In the sense used here, there is no moral tone whatsoever to it. Ah, but to be embarrassed or ashamed or to feel guilty is a whole other world. I and others think that this is shame gone haywire. In all three cases, it is the sense that not only something has gone wrong, but that somehow I am to blame for it and that I will suffer some consequence.



This is a messy business because all these feelings, versions of shame, just might kill us as they get in the way of our acting on information that is right under our noses, and that terminology should be reserved for "shame." I want my heart to work, and by golly, it just might not be working, so I better fix it. That is "shame" enough for me.

"For one interested in shame, the problem is not that it is difficult to find examples worth studying. Rather, the more significant puzzle is how it has managed to elude us until now. The most common of unpleasant experiences is also the least discussed." Don Nathanson from "Shame and Pride."

"Self-Esteem"

Brian Lynch

What is “self-esteem?” Over the last twenty or more years it has been a buzz phrase that has garnered much attention, especially in the school environment. 

At first blush, it would seem that no one could argue the worth of someone enhancing his or her self-esteem.

This has led to many, many good and not-so-good innovations. Many places have de-emphasized competition. Probably the best outward sign of this is in athletics where, especially in the younger years, everyone leaves the “competition” with a trophy or ribbon. On the other hand, for the most part, there has been lip service to these ideas. Competition is more than alive and well.

But what of “self-esteem?” The downside has been a curious unintended consequence of children in effect, and putting it in plain language, “thinking too much of themselves.”  The emphasis switches to “I” should feel well or have a right to feel well at all costs or I  “deserve” to feel good and any pain and suffering is now a new defeat.

It is a vicious circle as the whole point of “self-esteem” programs is to make you feel good about yourself but if this threshold is crossed and I get the screwy idea that I am now entitled to no problems, well, as someone said, “When desire outruns reality shame ensues.” When we want too much, care too much, reach too high we fall on our faces. “Self-esteem” in short is a weak concept. It is important, but falling on your face is inevitable too.

I see it as a need to teach young people from the earliest ages to be aware of emotional problem-solving.  This simply translates to “problem-solving” in general.  The core of this teaching is that one is always going to feel the pangs of defeat and that the way to feel good about oneself is to “Solve the problem!”  We then learn to combine our suffering with “self-esteem.” I get interested in the problem and thus do “work.” Get interested in the pain and it will go away. Interest plus work = JOY! “I” did something. “I” participated. I either succeeded or I did not, but put the emphasis on trying, nothing better than “A” for effort if we are going to have such judgments. “Self-esteem” is one of those many slights of hand that we have come up with to make us think there is a “Royal Road”, an easy way, to “Happiness.”  

 A central part in teaching “doing it right” is to emphasize not only interest in self but also in how others feel.  Feeling good is a joint enterprise.  We want to have “mutual interests.”

Again “self-esteem” can be a very dangerous concept that can lead me to believe that I should always end up “smelling like a rose.” Then, on the other hand, I am not telling anyone to tell anyone to “toughen up.” I would rather not use the concept at all. I think the whole thing is solved by understanding that we all need our interests, our “joys” and hopefully we will have our interests that we will have with others. These will be tasks that we can complete with others and this will lead to moments of pride and joy. We may fail, but we will have been taught that that is part of the process, part of the learning process.

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"But where does worry get you?"

Brian Lynch

One day a patient said that she was "worried" about her son. At that moment, it occurred to me to stop her and ask her if it was not more the case that she was "interested" in her son.

I work with the belief that we have inherent "basic" feelings. Among them is "interest." We are never explicitly taught about interest as a fundamental emotion. Most people assume that we merely "think" about the things we do. For instance, we think, "I need to buy some milk" or "I'm going to purchase a car." We often overlook the emotional aspects associated with such tasks. However, our actions are accompanied by numerous emotional dimensions, and "worry" is undoubtedly an emotional word.

So I ask this, doesn't it sound a lot better to say I am "interested" in my son? "Worry" is nowhere considered a basic biological feeling. It occurred to me that "worry," for one, was not on my list of basic feelings. In this encounter with the patient, I began to refer to worry as "contaminated interest." It is interest bogged down with fear and distress or anger and maybe even shame. With those emotions dragging down my interest in my son, it might get in the way of helping him.

We might often say that we are "worried" about the rent money. But where does that get us? Are we not better served by saying we are "interested" in paying our rent? In finding the rent money, no matter how bad the situation is? If it is not available, magic will not produce it. As we all have heard, "Worrying is not going to solve the problem." How true. But being interested in the problem just might!

In the therapy called "cognitive therapy," this is what is taught. In short, "negative thoughts" are not productive. Thinking about "worrying", about all your unpaid bills does not get them paid. Getting interested in making money in whatever way you can (legally) gets the money to pay the bills.

I am not ignoring the overwhelming pain that ensues if indeed the money is not forthcoming. If that happens, there is a new problem to be solved and the only real option is to take the next step. It is the only solution to alleviate the hurt and the state of confusion you are in.