"Everything and Nothing"

Sweet dreams are made of this

Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

The Eurythmics 

The theme of being hurt and the consequences of the damage done is rich in facets. I often feel a deadening amount of time is spent on it and it seems to keep me from focusing on the more positive aspects of my interests. But hurt and interest are so intertwined that there will always be interplay. To speak of one is to speak of the other.

Once again, I was trying to counsel someone about his or her heartbreak with a person that was having difficulty with addiction, coming and going from a relationship in rather rapid succession.

As one goes along in hearing these stories there are certainly two constant themes, one is that once in a relationship, it is not an easy thing to pull out. The other is that, at least the more and more I repeat the principles I use the more I see that relationships vary, more than anything, only in their intensity. Realizing this has the most profound implications because we then all end up in the same boat. Or to use a phase Dan Weil has used from Dickens that we all recognize that we are all “Fellow passengers to the grave.” I believe that it can and should make leaving a relationship harder as we realize the grass is likely never to be greener.

But a qualifier, a big one, of course, and that is there are many relationships of such inequality and abuse that they should end. Relationships that, in effect, were never consensual or were entered into by deceit, are not valid.

On the other hand, Shakespeare did it again when he penned “Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.” In my language, this translates to not letting shame enter into a relationship. Or, we know we have great interest in each other, but we also know that things can be rough, very rough and the roughness is not a reason to leave. Good luck in trying to leave. You can leave, of course, but one way or another you will pay.

That said, it may indeed be very rough as with the person I was giving counsel. What do I say? How do we stand by and watch and try to care for a loved one that is medicating their hurt by hiding or by drinking or harming themselves in other ways? What does one do? How do you not hurt yourself more? In the same ways? This is very important. How do you medicate your pain? How is it that this person can control you? It is simple; we need people in our lives. We need to be interested in others. And for better or worse here they are. We meet the people we meet.

People get hurt. People are abandoned and their brain is hurt. Depending on the degree of hurt so will their degree of confusion and ability to stay in a relationship. For a long time, they may need a lot of help.

During much of the healing time, it seems as if the more damaged person wants everything from you and wants nothing. It is the most agonizing of possible states of love. It is the razor's edge of shame and interest, the absolute borderline. It is on the one hand “complete” control of the desired object. If I keep the object at just the right distance then “they” cannot abandon me. My mindset is “I want nothing from them.” Or “I need nothing from them.” Actually “How in the world could I possibly need anything from you.” “On the other hand, the precise distance affords me immediate access to ‘everything’” if I need it. But what do I have? Nothing. It is sand through my fingers.

Brian Lynch