Only Explanations 

Brian Lynch

To paraphrase Dan Wile:

We all feel unentitled to our feelings and we are often unable to express them, and when this happens we “generate symptoms;” we take drugs, we hurt others or ourselves or we withdraw.

We have to do these things because we are physical beings that live in the world. We are not perfect. We all need all the support and empathy we can get. We all are learning about how to go about this all the time. We know much less about it than anyone realizes.

So there are “no excuses” there is only understanding. If we understand, if we take to heart that age-old wisdom that we have had for so long, “to walk in another’s shoes” then there is no need for the word “excuse.” What then does the word add to our understanding? The word carries with it an inherent, implicit accusatory implication albeit this is not what you find in the dictionary. That is many when they hear “excuse” under their breath say, “There is no excuse you could have done something different.”

But I say, as somewhere in France someone once said “To understand is to forgive.” “Tout comprendre est tout pardoner.” If you connect all the dots you know exactly how the person got there.

This never means that people are not severely ill, or disturbed or that they may need to be removed from society but it means we as humans have reached “The Age Of Reason” where we can explain our actions.

There are several words I would like to do away with and “excuse” is one of them.

There are no excuses. But not at all in the way you might just have thought I meant it. I mean there are only explanations.

This is a very hard pill to swallow for many people.

It is because we are bound up in several thousand years of believing that we can outrun our emotions and “choose” what to do. Well, we cannot. We cannot until we can and that takes a long time to learn and if we have not learned it we have not learned it. You cannot put the cart before the horse.

When is the last time you “lost your temper?” When is the last time you smoked when you didn’t want to? Or drank one too many? When did you “slip” and use that old “recreational drug” or are you still using it?

What are our “choices” to solve the problem? I think until now it has been pretty much to scold ourselves. To feel guilty and say we won’t do it again. But this is now putting on the breaks at eighty. Why did the foot get placed on the gas pedal in the first place and how do we not do it again?

I like to say now that, say for addictions, alcohol abuse has nothing to do with alcohol, cocaine abuse has nothing to do with cocaine, opiate abuse, and addiction has nothing to do with the drug. So too yelling at your spouse has nothing to do with yelling. The Ponzi racket, big or small, has nothing to do with money. It all has to do with how we are feeling and how we were feeling way back when we first fell into the behavior.

You use the fight with your girlfriend as an “excuse” to get drunk. Don’t tell me about your hard life “It’s just an excuse” for getting high. To the more complex feelings of entitlement that are triggered by a series of events that end in all manner of actions such as theft and demands. So you are to be “excused” as you are “entitled” to what should be yours.

But doesn’t it sound hollow when stated? Isn’t it obvious that the “excuse” is not primary? The statements are “throwaways” and meaningless. Everything goes back to real feelings about something, to some real feelings about the relationship with the girlfriend or relationships in general. Everything else is secondary and a way to deal with the pain.

That does not mean that if I am being hurt by someone that I don’t get out of the way or that I do not stop them from hurting others or that they might even have to be isolated. What it doesn’t mean is that we understand very well why they are doing what they are doing until we ask them. Usually, they know, and if they feel very safe they will tell us. Often they don’t know without some good help but it is not because they “wanted” to grow up and become what they became. No, they were running from something. 

Brian Lynch