Mutual Interest

By Brian Lynch, M.D.

There is something that runs through many of these short pieces that I write that I hope you will experience. Note I did not say “understand.” Of course, understanding is important,  but without experience, little is gained.

I have mentioned that “interest” is an emotional experience. We do not “choose” to be interested in something or somebody. It happens. I like to say that it is what we are all looking for, “All we want is for someone to be interested in us.” Likewise, all we want is to be interested in someone else. We might be tempted to stop at the first half and say “yes” that is it “someone to be interested in me!” But that is not it, is it? For a relationship to grow it must be mutual, a give and take.

There is the tragedy of the teenage mother who says that she had her baby so “someone would love me.” But can we truly examine our relationships and say that we are so different?

Each of us is on a virgin path. We may be coming out of a terrible time. We may be overwhelmed with anger, fear, and shame and we may have been alone for a very long time. Then we meet someone. They are interested in us. There is no other feeling like this. We have a very special name for it, we often call it “love.” I encourage people to stay with the word “interest.” “I am interested in you!”

In this situation we want to get our bearings we do not want it to be “too” much. “Falling in love” can be, and is, dangerous, especially if you have been in a very bad place. We go overboard. We put all our hopes in this one part of our life.

But it can be and is the most healing and healthy of all occurrences if handled correctly because “interest” in others is what we are built for; interest in another intimate relationship as well as not-so-intimate relationships. When these are blocked we are lost. We are hurt. We are confused. We then can hurt ourselves in many ways through further isolation; drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, and simply being alone.

That simple interest felt by another can be life-changing. One now completes the biological circuit, we are all meant to participate in but for it to last and be sustained we need to return the favor. That angle that has shown interest needs it returned and then you both need to cultivate those mutual and common interests that are going to sustain you through all the hard times to come. Those will be the times that your combined interests applied to these difficult problems will bring profound joy.

Copyright 2008