"A Thanksgiving Memory"

"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."

By Brian Lynch, M.D.  

"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."

By Brian Lynch, M.D.  

Thanksgiving, as usual, was a mixed bag. It is so often a terrible occasion for so many, as are so many holidays and birthdays. Instead of joy, shame, humiliation, fear, and disgust, raise their heads.

So it was for me, a mixed situation as I could not be with someone dear to me, and we, that is, they and I, were often accustomed to having the day not be pleasant to start with. I, however, after several years of tiring of ambivalence and a few solitary holidays, have, in recent years, sworn to spend them with family outside the country. So, Thanksgiving, being an American holiday, made it a bit confusing all around.

So, why bother at all? And many don’t. My thought for today is that we need to arrange our lives in some fashion. We have a history. We have tradition. Things change slowly. We do our best. All we can do is be as aware as possible and adapt slowly as we learn. The traditions we have are to help us manage our emotions and relations. We cannot get together with family as much as we would wish. It seems that holidays, birthdays, and other festive occasions are a way to “force” us to do just that. They are as artificial and full of fantasy as they are in the end practical. They are solid parts of the yearly calendar that are going to come ”hell or high water,” and we have to deal with them. Lucky we are if those days will represent anticipation of interest and joy, and be fulfilled.

Unfortunate, we are, if not. If not, we can ask the question, what if we did not have these opportunities? Would we organize our lives to have reunions without such social sanctions? Surely we might hope that we are evolving towards a world where we would care as much for each other in the middle of March as in the middle of December, but we are not, yet, there.

This is still not to say that people do not suffer terribly on important anniversaries and holidays if they find themselves alone. But if progress is to be made, we have to start somewhere. Somewhere with noting those things that are not going to change. The calendar is not going to change. The events of the past are not going to change. Things can change, if we are ready, and maybe we are not, and if not, that is ok. 

But if we are ready, and, for example, some course of study about our emotions might be in order. We might start to realize that we have never really learned or been taught much of anything about our emotions.

I am certain that if holidays and anniversaries are difficult, there are ways to learn to prepare for those days and seasons differently and change our emotional response to them, and live in the present with those around us. It does take interest.

The first step is to accept that the given day is going to come. Accept that fighting the fact will only make things worse. Prepare for the day as best you can. It is ok to "do nothing". It is ok to have a meal by oneself, take a walk, and be alone. Being alone is the only way to learn to be alone and learn to love oneself.

Copyright 2008 - Revised 2025