“Testing Those We Love”

2010

“We read the world wrong and say it deceives us.” Togare

Have you ever told your child to do something and they have not done it? Likewise, have you ever told a loved one, an adult that you could not do something for them, and yet they somehow do not hear you? They come back to you in some way asking you to do the very same thing. Is there any difference? In the end, I think not. 

 They are both quite obviously “tests” of our commitment and love. Or to put it in very personal terms, and from another perspective, it is a need to be taken care of. That is, either way, you put it, it is not a healthy love or need as the emphasis is all on “my need.” I immediately say that that said we all have times of great need. We all need to be needed and comforted and we all will test others at some time or other and that is all right.

So a few examples: You ask your child to please brush their teeth and ten minutes later they are still playing around. Asking three more times still does not get results. What is going on and what is your response? It is a test is it not? First, the child is not “evil” or bad. The child is in some great confusion. They do need order and consistency in their life, but how to do it? They may say I am doing it “because I can” meaning “I know you love me.” Meaning I need you now to figure out how to show me to love me and figure out this problem. “How do you get me to brush my teeth without hurting me!” Of course, they don’t realize this on this level but it must be this.

This is not the only reason. Very much of what we do is a type of “play” as we “feel” at a subconscious level many “feelings” as children and indeed as adults out of the blue that surprise us. We feel fear and anger in an instant towards someone and act on these feelings. Indeed, we have to “play” with the feeling to manage them at the moment to figure and figure them out. But our point is that much of the time we are “testing” others.

So you tell your 28-year-old son you cannot help him out when he gets out of the army or when he returns from overseas or in whatever situation. You name the situation, but he seems to not hear you. You state emphatically your situation and your budget. You do not have the money. And comes the refrain “Dad, you don’t understand what am I supposed to do! I need 800 dollars.” Yet, it seems to you that six-eight weeks prior some steps could have been taken and on the other hand maybe nothing could have been done. The point is that there is an unconscious engine of need just like the child’s “How do you get me to brush my teeth without hurting me!” Those things were not done or he is just not hearing you and being empathetic with you because your son needs you the father to take care of him.

I am never saying that there is some other solution to getting the 800 dollars and a tragedy may ensue.

Brian Lynch, M.D.