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This is the introduction to my pamphlet entitled Doing -Thinking -Feeling- In the World and serves as an introduction to this blog. You migh...

Psychology blogs & blog posts

Thursday, February 10, 2011

" Shame and the “alpha” male or female? Or my “stuff” is better than yours. "

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Shame and the “alpha” male or female? Or my “stuff” is better than yours?



 "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you,
 then they attack you, then 
 you win." Gandhi

Being ignored has always been a common experience. Today whether it's in personal interactions or online communication, the feeling of being disregarded can be hurtful and frustrating. This sentiment is captured in the famous quote by Gandhi.

 We can have fond memories of George Carlin or just go to YouTube “Stuff”, your stuff, and my stuff. We all have “stuff” and we all like our “stuff.” Of course, Mr. Carlin might or might not use another synonym for “stuff.”

We all have our "stuff," our interests, ideas, and passions that we want to share with others. It's natural to want recognition and engagement when we reach out to someone, hoping to connect and start a meaningful conversation. However, sometimes our attempts are met with indifference as if our "stuff" doesn't matter.

Recently, I had an experience where I reached out to someone, sharing my work and hoping to engage in a conversation. Unfortunately, all I received in return was a brief update on our past activities and a link to their recent page. There was no acknowledgment or discussion of what I had shared with them.

 While I may be overthinking the situation, I can't help but feel that there is a lack of reciprocity and genuine interest. It seems that this behavior has become pervasive as if inspired by George Carlin's humorous commentary on our obsession with "our" possessions, which he referred to as "stuff."

In a world where we are constantly bombarded with information and distractions, it's crucial to find ways to overcome the challenges of being ignored and constantly being interrupted. Ignoring someone can be a form of humiliation, making them feel insignificant and disregarded. It's a painful experience that can erode self-worth and lead to a sense of isolation.

The question then becomes: How do we respond to humiliation without perpetuating the cycle? It's a complex issue that warrants further exploration, perhaps even as a topic for research in the field of "humiliation studies."

Once in the position of being the target of humiliation, what does one do?

In what position? In that position of being ignored. All one has to do is ignore you. 

 This is what all “alpha’s” know intuitively that shame begets shame. To use shame as a weapon towards others when you are in control has a pretty good chance of shaming your target into submission. Such tension tends to lead to more negative emotions. It is a dangerous game as in a small portion it inevitability leads to some type of violence. And there are all types of violence. And the alpha knows that in most instances in society that “violence” is such that “all” that is going to happen is that the injured party is going to look like the aggressor or the fool. Or if the alpha is in power, “the boss” etc. they will now be able to more readily be able to dismiss the lowly one once more and often to permanently exclude them. See: The Shame Factor

 The important point is that they know that no matter what it is, it is as if you were a nat. This sometimes fails and there is a tipping point and someone comes back with a gun or a revolution starts.

I will go out on a limb here and say that all mass shootings are based on shame and humiliation.

 It's often suggested that the best way to deal with such situations is to ignore them in return. However, this approach can be challenging, as the pain of being ignored is deeply felt. As Albert Camus eloquently stated, "The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but the ignominy, the humiliation we feel that we must be what we are without any choice in the matter and that this humiliation is seen by everyone."

You may suggest just ignoring them. Ignore Who? Those that ignore us? But we are told to express our feelings when we can and when it is appropriate and why is it not appropriate here? Do we have feelings? Because to be ignored hurts. This quote expresses the idea does it not?

 In our personal relationships and professional interactions, we must strive to create an environment where everyone's contributions are valued and respected. By actively listening, engaging in meaningful conversations, and acknowledging the existence and worth of others, we can break free from the cycle of humiliation.

 Ultimately, the path to overcoming humiliation lies in fostering empathy, compassion, and a genuine desire to connect with others. Let us work together to build a world where no one feels ignored or reduced to nothingness.

It is as if it is the most hidden of human “pivot points” but it is the point upon which almost all power rest and turns. I am speaking of this moment of being ignored. Of saying essentially “You are nothing.” If we would teach it to all, all power would melt away. Outlaw it. “I’ve got you. I know what you are doing. You are ignoring me. You are trying to make me into nothing.” But a critical mass has to learn it to change the world.

It has been pointed out that children that have been “actively” abused do better than abandoned children. The simple explanation is that the child is not “nothing” but something. The parent is attending to them in some way, providing for them showing interest. Those in power so often treat us as nothing.

 Then recently I had a conversation about how showing slight contempt is often worse than a punch in the face. The latter of course shows real engagement and recognition of your existence while the former is dismissive of your existence.

 We are severally pained by the dismissiveness of unanswered emails and in academics, it is legend that colleagues will turn blue before admitting to having read their colleagues' work. I can at least be a little more “something” if I ignore you if you are “nothing”, at least to me.

A final thought. A famous couples therapist John Gottman is well known for being able to predict if couples will stay together on the basis of 15 minutes of conversation between them. He then says that one way to evaluate your relationships is the percentage of time your partner responds to a “Bid”. Does your partner respond to your request to engage? He says good relationships do so 86 percent of the time. Disastrous relationships respond only 36% of the time. See John Gottman .

 



1 comment:

  1. well this is something that goes on and occurs in just about every relationship a human being can be apart of, unfortunatly in my experience I have reacted to being the "underdog" in a very unheathly way,not only for myself, but for the ones closest to me in some way were affected by my reaction to being "ignored" , broke, tore down to nothing,because what I said or did was never recognized. I just feel that when put in certain situations when you are not appreciated or even acknowledged then that does give us the right to express ourselfs, let that person know what they are doing is not okay, but as you said the "alpha dog" knows that are being hurtful or spitefull etc.,. It's a cycle of hurt,shame, anger, and violence that I have been through and am still living with ; If you can avoid that then remove yourself if posible from there reach, don't let what they don't do or do bother you, because in the end this "alpha male" is so insecure and lonely inside that hurting people is there only way to feel anything.If they are threatened by your work because it is meaningfull and accurate,life changing then what can they do? Get you to doubt yourself and accomplishments, don't let them defeat you.

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