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This is the introduction to my pamphlet entitled Doing -Thinking -Feeling- In the World and serves as an introduction to this blog. You migh...

Psychology blogs & blog posts

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Something I have been wanting to say.

Something I have been wanting to say.

Brian Lynch

[This piece will be confusing to some. I hope only at first. It refers mainly to the AA movement. I often find it surprising how many people still are unfamiliar with the movement or have not even heard of the “12 steps.”  I had not reread the original version of the “Steps” for some time. I had occasion to do so. I was surprised at how much I did not like them. I originally rewrote them some 13 years ago. They became the basis for my book “Knowing Your Emotions.” 


“Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.”

Death of a Hired Man, Robert Frost


Of course, the format of the steps has been used for many purposes from fixing your computer to losing weight. Here I address what I see as deeply flawed presumptions concerning the needs of not only drinkers but addicts of any kind.


Many might be puzzled about this attack if they think the “movement” has great success. The fact is this is in great question. There is much evidence that it is not a success overall and I would argue that the success it has is certainly not because of humiliating members in the way mentioned here but by the interest shown in the fellowship.


Finally, as will be seen, this is not an attack on “God” or religion. As the movement acknowledges it has opened the concept up, long ago, of “higher power” to personal interpretation but here I greatly challenge that. I am, for the most part, leaving religion aside. ]


The steps ask us to “Accept the things we cannot change, change the things we can, and find, somewhere the wisdom to know the difference.” That is a paraphrase.


The statement orients as life and death do hang in the details of what can be accepted or not and or changed, in millimeters and answers are often in short supply. We have general outlines but are often short on specifics.


At least we are in a conversation and we can always say we are trying and doing better than we were no matter how miserable that is.


I claim it is certainly not all that good as we are nowhere near having the knowledge of these matters in hand as we think we might- that is where these lines fall between what can and cannot be done. But more importantly, how does one more specifically manage and accept impossible situations?


What I call for here is a radical involvement of the community for real change to take place in individuals.


It is obvious that when people have had their troubles it has been taken for granted that it is their doing. They have, throughout history been marked as “bad” and “evil.” The family is cursed with its “bad seed” and, of course, we are all “sinners.” Or "It is written." It is up to each of us as individuals to atone for our deeds through prayer, penance, and other forms of sacrifice. The idea that we might not be “responsible” for our actions is quite new in fact. That we might be able to be helped to change the way we act and do things is very, very new.


The 12-step movement of Alcoholics Anonymous asks us to admit we are powerless over alcohol and that we are “defective.” And it asks us to go into the community and “make amends” to those we have harmed.


To be sure most of what “The Steps” and their spirit is about was wonderful and needed at the time. It got people thinking and looking in the direction of community and connection. But the more I think about them the more I see them as the merest of beginnings as they :


- put the entire burden on the individual

- they recognize nothing of the community of which the person is a part and that communities role in the person's dilemma


These two statements will upset many people. They will roll their eyes and insist that everyone is “responsible” for their drug use. Yet this simply is not true. Humans are social and political animals. We are not made to live alone.


A favorite reference of mine is Micheal Gladwells' “Outliers” his best seller that starts with the chapter “Rosetto” about a town in Pennsylvania where people are very healthy despite poor health habits. They had low cardiovascular risk, cancer, and no alcoholism. The only thing you could point to is a tremendously strong community life; for example 20 social services organizations for a town of 2,500.


Drug takers and drinkers do not pop up ready-made they are traumatized one way or another and this trauma is repeated over and over again AND the means to medicate the trauma is in a milieu that allows for self-medication is extant.


Most plainly speaking people are hurt by other people. And hurt people hurt people. No matter who you are you take care of that hurt in some way. If you have been very well cared for most of your life, valued, and have learned a sense of self then through most hard times you will probably do well with no more than maybe a temper tantrum now and then. But I would say even few of us are that lucky.


What has been fascinating, over the last few years, is how it seems to be how we all have our “poison” when it comes to self-medicating. We are, as a society, becoming more open, honest, and accepting that one poison is equal to another but are not there yet. What am I saying? I am saying that food can easily be as bad as heroin depending on how much you eat. It can be worse.


 Gambling is bad but do we recognize how many ways we gamble? Do we recognize that the stock market in a major way is nothing more than gambling? Why is it and why is it not? I would say it is not because there is a long-term track record of the Dow Jones average. It is not a flip of the coin over the years; however, it is very near a flip of a coin on any given day. This is the problem, what day are you going to need your money? If you want to cash out in 18 months to retire and in 16 months there is a “Black Friday” you are out of luck. But still, of course, there are many ways to become “addicted” daily to trading.


In short, people do all kinds of things to medicate themselves. Now where is, again, this pain coming from? Again others, and this is the problem with part of treatment or at least “the movement”, and that is it does not recognize or give voice to the harm done to the individuals. Here there is no denying that there may have been done, and maybe the majority of the time, there is harm done by the user but the problem is where it all begins and where does it all end?


I deal a great deal with the concepts of shame and humiliation. What starts the whole process in the first place is shame and humiliation.


By shame, I “only” mean a feeling of unattained desire. This can be a wished-for returned greeting from a friend or a profound sense of humiliation from a dressing down at work (the desire in retrospect of wanting to be appreciated). Again I “want” something and do not get it. Or I have lost a previous state of joy.


What we feel about these ideas is that these ideas about shame and humiliation are so underappreciated that they almost go universally unnoticed/missed in our assessments. To be sure they, if considered, challenge everyone.


They ask us to consider the world from the drug user’s point of view.


From that point of view, it can be said that many might claim feelings of massive shame and humiliation throughout their lives.





And so pausing a beat I ask us to consider that we are profoundly emotional beings and that unless we understand our emotions we are very often powerless over our actions and are powerless over the world.


Yes, that is the extent of our “higher power.” We have the traditional formulations embodied in the “12 steps” but I do say that given their succinctness and emphasis on the individual it may be time to move on. I believe we end up “over-explaining” the steps. I say the “higher power” can be a tautology. What I call the “hot potato” answer. What is that? The analogy is to anger management. We tell people that have problems with their anger that they need to go to anger management class and manage their anger. Well, this is like having someone already holding a hot potato and telling them to ok continue to hold the hot potato. Ok, buddy you're doing pretty good let’s see what else you can do with the sucker! Wherever you turn you end up looking at yourself.


What has become clear is anger is not the issue at all. Anger is a consequence of a deeper hurt and confusion, if you will, shame. What has happened is the person has “wanted” something for probably a long time and has not gotten it. Often the “want” or desire has been quite reasonable. You may doubt this. First, think about yourself. But I will give you an example. I used to work in nursing homes a lot. Residents would want passes to go outside. So they would want and want, right? And often would not get the pass. I believe often unjustly, but justly or not, they would build up enormous hurt and confusion/ shame and finally, they would get angry. They would be blamed for their anger. Something they would get violent. At the time I was doing group therapy. I suppose I was expected to scold them. Of course, I didn’t. Many times what I saw was that their dose of Depakote would go up; a potent sedative.


We need to understand that it is a system that involves a community or at least a dyad, more than one person. We need to interact. We need to complete the “I want.”


I believe the “higher power” business, for the most part, is a neat sleight of hand for all of us to avoid this thought: the need to engage one another therefore throwing it back in the face of individuals. What I hear sub-rosa is that “you are weak,” “it certainly is your fault”, “you are to blame” and above all, it sends a message loud and clear of abandonment. “Be very clear about this buddy you are very alone, at least around here.” You need to stand on your own two feet and take responsibility.


So we tell people that need a connection to look to a “higher power.” Don’t ask me for help!


All this said I am not going to throw the baby out with the bath water. The movement has come to accept a broad interpretation of the “higher power” and so I am saying nothing new and would of course be wrong to speak for anyone who says they benefit from using the concept. The hope is that we transition from being victims to a more self-conscious healing adults. And here I transition from "victims" of our devices and "programs."


I must too not act blind and dumb in terms of the aspects of the movement that entail the meetings, sometimes daily meetings if a person so chooses, and the fellowship that entails the tradition of a sponsor that is available 24/7. If that is not a “dyad?” What is? But there is structure and there is philosophy. So often the philosophy dominates.


Note: I did not say fully healthy and fully conscious adult as this is not possible. I said a healing adult. Psychology at least is telling us that we are at the mercy of our affective or emotional system and always will be. Our emotions guide us. They tell us what is important. Our early experiences so inform us and they inform us subconsciously and automatically for well or ill and if ill it will take a lot of work to correct those “habits.” And sorry to say we will never completely get ahead of the task. Right, there is enough of a “higher power” for me. What is that? The cold hard fact that I can realize and accept is that I am, as we all are, works-in-progress and it takes our full attention to stay as much on course as possible and it takes at least a community of two.


Above all, we are not “defective” or morally bad. No more than anyone else.


Once thrown into life I may have done many unsavory things. No question about it. The radical science or rather the true science is about not having much or any free will from where we started as children wanting to be loved. Yes, people not wanting to grow up to be drunks or addicts to people being damaged and then in disassociated states that then do unsavory things.


How am I not to feel, deep inside, more shame and humiliation if it is suggested that I am to look to myself, only to myself, for the answer? That it is essentially my job and my job alone? That I am defective? That is what the words say, “My defects.”


I turn inward then to understand the “higher power” and by that “all” I mean- and that is a lot- it is I mean that I am not in control simply through my “ego” or my reason. If I am going to have any hope of getting through life with any modicum of joy I better learn something about synchronizing reason and emotion. This will only come through some study and self-exploration but also some community.


My version of the 12-Steps


“TWELVE STEPS TO EMOTIONAL HEALTH

1. We came to realize that we are profoundly emotional beings and that unless we understand our emotions, we are very often powerless over our own actions and the world. 


2. We came to believe that by coming to know our own powerful emotions, we may maximize peace and joy in our lives. 


3. We made a decision to start on a path of understanding how our thinking and actions are often profoundly determined by our emotions, past and present


4. We came to an understanding that only by taking a detailed emotional inventory - an inventory of our anger, fear, distress, disgust, and shame and by assessing what we are really interested in and what really makes us happy- will we truly be able to change our actions. 


5. That we have expressed to others, when appropriate, and ourselves the exact nature of our feelings, thereby gaining some power over them. 


6. By doing all of the above steps, we naturally became ready to be accepting of the world and others as it is and as they are. 


7. By the above, we came to accept ourselves as we are and to understand that we have done what we have done due to unmanageable feelings of hurt and thus, it is counterproductive and damaging to blame ourselves and others. 


8. Made a list of all persons we have harmed and made an inventory of how we felt at the time we hurt them and made amends when appropriate. 


9. We have tried to understand why we felt the way we did, thus understanding why we did what we did. We have come to understand that we feel before we think. We have worked towards understanding that others, like ourselves, have trouble controlling emotions and, thus, often what they do. 


10. We have continued to think about our basic emotions daily if possible. We have come to know each emotion in our own personal way. We have monitored ourselves for feelings of guilt, and when we do things that hurt others, we look to what we were feeling at the time, thereby avoiding feelings of guilt, understanding ourselves better, as well as making amends to those we have hurt. 


11. Sought, through the practice of a daily emotional inventory and meditation on that inventory, control over our actions and lives. 


12,. Having come to know our emotional lives, we have gained the ability to employ our interest and experience in a new type of interaction with others, one of mutual interest that will lead us to maximize joy in our lives and with others.




2009-2011



1 comment:

  1. This needed to be said.

    Step 6 and step 7--the ones about "God" removing our "defects" and "shortcomings"--are particularly obnoxious. I just can't believe the folks at AA haven't re-thought this.

    ReplyDelete