Nothing makes any difference

“It's the way the people regard the theft of the apple
That makes the boy what he is. “
“Aner Clute” Edgar Lee Masters

 Nothing makes any difference except the lost love of your family and until you grieve that you can love no other including yourself.

However long I have been in the business of trying to help myself and others understand themselves and their place in the world it has taken that long to understand something about the above statement and articulate it.

Once said it made clear, to me at least, so many things. Central to this is a “tipping point” in the maturation in the family and that is was I sent off into the world stable and “vaccinated” so that I might manage the colds and flu of the emotional world or was I abandoned in any number of ways so as even to have the slightest of doubt to trip me up and make me feel that I was not loved.

The great model for this that I have in my head is the Orangutan. Generally speaking, I understand that the young are attached to their mothers for a good two years in the end this consists of just holding on but the fact is they never let go. Now at the other end of life, of course, this consists of nearly all of it, they are pretty much solitary creatures.

Now, of course, they don’t have to “think” about any of this as we do, they do not have to be nurtured or taught about parenting or how to live in the world. But I read into their ability to be these rather serene solitary adults and the fact that they were in this “external womb” for two years. That is they were indeed “vaccinated.” That is their innate emotional system (affect system) was slowly prepared, calmly prepared, in stages, for the world.

They were taught first about interest and joy, lots and lots of it; that there could be security in the world. Then they were let loose on the world holding these strong memories. They were not let loose in the world with high levels of stress hormones and nightmares full of fear, anger, shame, and distress.

My point is humans can be let loose with either and on average with a mixture and yes a minority, a minority with what might be called an orangutan’s upbringing.

So humans are different. It takes so darn long for humans to mature. We now know it is not until age 25, yes! 25 that the brain is fully integrated. If raised nurturing the child’s interest and joy the child will develop an interest in the world that will lead to a natural separation from the family that will also maintain a healthy attachment.

On the other hand, if there was never “love” here we could talk much about “love” and the difficulties around that word. It is difficult as if there is one thing I have learned is that people will defend to the death their “love” for their torturers. For those who in fact can betray them daily. We have all experienced at some level that “Crazy kinda love” of domestic violence.

And as I say this is about “Nothing makes any difference except the lost love of your family and until you grieve that you can love no other including yourself.”

But when we are told we were never wanted. We were a “mistake.” “But for us, everything would be ok.” “God never created a more evil creature.” Or we are out and out abandoned for long lengths of time. Or it may be something many cannot comprehend and say “Oh how can that be such a big deal?” And what is that? The absent father continually says he will come to take us to the movie but never shows. Or the parents that are simply “not there” ever, emotionally for us. Let me count the ways. Well, it is a big deal.

Any of these situations are not akin to the mother and child bond of the Orangutans where mutual interest flows. No, in all of these, there is a slew of impediments and so there is much shame and all the other negative feelings.

If negative feelings then the likelihood of or a “need” to, or indeed the necessity of doing something. We are physical beings so we are always doing something. So in many of these awful situations above noted, there are mostly awful solutions such as trying to runway, fighting back, drowning our sorrows, and very often blaming ourselves for the problem which we are often taught anyway from an early age. That is: “We are the mistake”, and “We are the problem.” And the essential point here is that for most of childhood, the most likely option will be to blame ourselves. It is the one place where we can put it into words and where people are putting it into words for us. “You are a mistake” and we mimic it “I am a mistake.”

Here is what has become so very clear to me once again. That is I thought many years ago now that I understood what it was to “attack oneself” but I now realize that I believe I had only scratched the surface.

Right now let us for our purpose think of that “mistake” in our terms of our, once again:

“Nothing makes any difference except the lost love of your family and until you grieve that you can love no other including yourself.”

If the reader follows and if not it is my error. The lost love, of course, is bound up in and is the act of naming you the “mistake” or picking any of the other horrors. It is the “thing” the impediment. It is THE SHAME that should be what others experience as love and what you see them experience as love. You see others hugged and kissed by their loved ones and you try and wonder what is going on in their brain because the image on their face is not the image you feel on your face under the same circumstances. You are confused and at times enraged. How can you participate in the world? How can you consort with these other aliens? Well, you cannot.

You start school and you stop. You have many jobs. You have relationships and marry but he or she tells you that they always feel that they are “outside”, second to your family, to your “crazy” family.

As one trying to help people the great insight has been how we take “to heart” the sense of “nothingness.” I put it in scare quotes because “to take to heart” is to put it as if we have a choice and it is clear to me that “Affect psychology” is showing us that it is not a choice. As a child running away is not an option, of course until much later. Running away into oneself is the default position. But why does one do that? It is probably first because one has been made to feel nothing and started to “attack self.” We can get pretty much stuck on “I am bad.” And I need to now be “good” and make do with whatever it takes to be in favor of my caretakers. But the burden is great. My entire childhood, a “normal” childhood passes me by. I do not learn how to handle my emotions in any “normal” way as I do not relate to other children normally or my siblings normally. I am often put in the position of parenting my sibling or my parents. The list of things I will do to “please” the family and myself is infamous: cutting, eating disorders, drugs, and incest.

Guilt can consume of course. If I am a mistake, if I am bad, then I must be guilty of something. But of what? Of course, there is no answer because you are not guilty of anything. How confusing? This can only cause one great feeling of shame. How as it makes you feel stupid? You feel guilty and you can’t find the answer. That is how. But again there is no answer. Then more shame.

A final thought and well-known syndrome that is you will not, you will not rise above your family, for to do so would humiliate them and shame yourself. This would be a betrayal of them and their love. How could you ever then achieve their love if you rose above their station? Of course, this does not always play out but as I say it is a well-known phenomenon and the best explanation I know of for all those Ph.D. theses for which only one copy was made of then lost.

Looking For Joy

Looking For Joy

 "Melt the clouds of sin and sadness

Drive the dark of doubt away

Giver of immortal gladness

Fill us with the light of day" From "Ode To Joy"

You finally clear security and you see a loved one and a smile breaks out on your face: Joy.

Why? We don’t much think of our emotions, or our feelings, in terms of being physical but look in the mirror or at the person that is smiling back at us. 

Our feelings do take place and are triggered in the body. What is probably counterintuitive to the reader is that the reason a smile breaks out on the face is due, more often than not, to the lack of negativity rather than something positive. Now what in the world am I talking about? 

That is you smiled because you were now in a state of relaxation from a prior state of other negative “tension” of “distress”, “anguish”, “fear” or any number of other mixed “negative” feeling having to do with travel and the anticipation of going where you where going and finally reuniting with your loved ones and experiencing “joy.”

That is reader, this joy just came and went and it won’t roll around again until a similar situation presents itself.

Never heard of such a thing? It does sound odd? I thought “joy” was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and of course what everyone wants.

Well, it does seem to be whatever one wants just ask them. The problem is the answer to what is usually formulated in terms of the pot of gold.

Psychology has not talked much about the “positive” emotions but is getting around to them. They haven’t because they have barely identified them or recognized them.

I believe therapists have been just in the dark as their charges in terms of this thing called “happiness.”

It was, at least for me, “startling” to think of joy in this new very limited way. It means actually “grieving” a wish for “nirvana” of the future; a heaven on earth so to speak. It is the ultimate “reality testing” and I suppose people don’t like it. Not a dream catcher but a dream snatcher.

To be happy you’re simply going to have to work at it.

But I mean not to be flippant but didactic. I come to this painfully as for so many that “pot of gold” is so important. It is important as they have built up a huge negative deficit of feeling due to trauma. And then this trauma can be and is replayed in memory repeatedly virtually repeating the trauma each time. The more “negative” feelings they accumulate the more the desire for that “pot of gold” or a “heaven on earth.” Of course, many simply get trapped and focused on the “negative,” wondering what “joy” could be.

Joy is not, unfortunately, “out there” as all the sages tell us it is inward. But is there something “new under the sun?” People seem to make millions, every once in a while, literally simply repackaging that sentiment, as far as I can tell, of saying “Sit on a park bench and look inward.” 

I think we can be more specific. That is joy is indeed not “out there” in a very important sense. That sense is that it is mostly the absence of negative feelings (affect).  I believe and would say that it cannot simply be this as it would quickly turn on itself. Joy would quickly turn to distress and boredom. No, the external world is important. The loved one needs to be waiting for us. We need our “bliss”, our interest, in the world as the great student of myth Joe Campbell said or “God helps us.” Without a sustaining interest to motivate what indeed are we?

That is the importance of understanding that “interest” is a unique and discreet feeling. We have never been taught this as we have been taught it about “joy”, “anger” and “fear.” But it is exactly like these feelings and I have come to see it as quite essential for joy in our lives in the long run. Over the long run, interest gives us goals to strive for.

Those goals then are our “pot of gold.” But there is a hitch this time, right? These pots of gold are not free they take work, overwhelmingly. I want the girl. I want that house. I want a career. They do not fall into our lap. For sure when we are young we daydream about it all coming easily, and even as adults we fall into such thoughts. We all might fall into the trap of dreaming of winning the lottery from time to time with or without buying a ticket and then some lose touch with reality and engage in various levels of extreme attempts to engage in a fantasy world where they achieve their “pot or pots of gold.”

For me, the real insight is the role that “punishing” feeling plays in “joy.” That there is no “Royal Road”, as they say, to joy. I am saying there are essentially two ways to look at it one is the absence of negative emotion. The getting-off-a-plane moment and the other more explicitly involve “interest.” Of course, they both involve interest. You are interested in seeing the person in the terminal.

You want the gal, house, and job. In these cases I choose the long-term “work” it will take. In the case of the airplane trip, the emotions were foisted on you. The “negative” feeling or affect where “passive” you had no choice but to experience them. You had not seen your parents in a year and you got on the plane in New York. Your father has been ill. You have had a bad year. It is a five-hour flight to L.A. Your sister will be there who you don’t get along with so it will be a mixed bag but you have a great relationship with your parents. 

Distress and a bit of fear are with you during the flight but when you talk with your seatmates you are “happy.” When you arrive you find you are quite overwhelmed with joy to see your parents once again and your distress and fear are no more.

This is fairly different than joy attained through the active pursuit of some goal. Of course, it is not a new thought that we have “to work for it” but it seems I rediscovered the linkage of interest- distress – joy. Yes, this material has ways of playing tricks on one. 

Or generically: interest – work - joy where work will entail any number of “negative” or combinations of “punishing” feelings not just “distress.”

Now, what of all those people that say that they go to work and say that they don’t know if they are working or playing? Good point. Well, all is not lost I have hedged a bit in the above saying in “most” cases. Turning to our guide in these matters, for Silvan Tomkins the essential mechanism is a decrease in our stimulation level be that of a negative feeling state or a positive feeling state. Again the operative word is “decrease” in stimulation. So if I am very excited and I go to a calmer state I will feel joy. The excitement and pleasure of sex will end in joy. I went back and found that I guess I had it right in my book:

“Tomkins sees joy as a result of calming or bringing to a conclusion the situation that caused anger, fear, distress, disgust, smell, shame, surprise, and, most importantly, interest. His basic question, after all, is what is it that we want? The answer, is not, that what we want is joy. Do we not feel joy as a state of relaxation and do we not feel that state after having felt some other emotion? I am interested in buying a car so I feel happy when I drive it to the lot. I am interested in eating dinner and am happy when I eat my favorite meal. I am very tired and am interested in going to bed and am happy when I get into bed. I am waiting to see my daughter get o_ the plane and am happy to see her.”

“Knowing Your Emotions” p 19.

“Who’ll stop the rain”

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“Who’ll stop the rain”

“Long as I remember rains be fallen’ down.

Clouds of mystery pourin’ confusion on the ground.

Good men through the ages searchin’

for the sun and I wonder, still I wonder

who’ll stop the rain.”

Credence Clearwater Revival

Now years ago someone posted a comment on Facebook as a call to protest the release of one Michael Woodmansee.

Mr. Woodmansee is a convicted murderer. He murdered a fellow child at the age of 16. The details are of the sort that arise passions.

This piqued my interest and lead me to post the flowing comment.

If you are of the persuasion of these thoughts, then it is “preaching to the choir.” If not they will probably be quite unsettling if not enraging.

There is usually little “in-between” in these matters. The core thought that is expressed later is “The truth is we harm ourselves the more we hurt others. And that is what punishment does, it hurts others and therefore through it we harm ourselves.”

I started my original comment on Facebook  thus: “I am glad to see an open discussion on this matter.” I have been involved in these matters for a very long time. I am not in the legal profession. I am a physician so think about the human condition for a living. Long before that, I thought about what we “should” do with ourselves, which was in college. We give various names to this “Ethics” etc.

It has surprised me how my career has never quite veered from staying close to commenting on and trying to improve the understanding of what we call the “criminal mind” and the criminal justice system. My first attempt was my college thesis “Let Us Help Him Who Did So Human A Thing.” Therapists long ago took on Terence’s aphorism “Nothing that is human is foreign.” Jeffrey Dahmer, Hitler, et al, who committed unspeakable atrocities are in the end human and it falls to someone to understand them because without understanding we do not progress as humans and given the right circumstance we are all quite capable of atrocities.

Nietzsche said to understand the state of a society look to how they treat their prisoners. I have tried to come at these issues, not from a right or left or religious viewpoint. So how? From what we call science. That said, and so, it always bothered me when many a religious will supposedly promote the gospel of “vengeance be mine saith the lord” and that redemption is a personal matter and yet are on the front lines of executions.

I do not believe, at this point in history, that “punishment” has any place in the armament of human interactions. The only reason to incarcerate is to protect society from the harm others might do and in an ideal world to rehabilitate. Of course, there are all kinds of details to be worked out. How long do we incarcerate if we do not base it on a sense of “justice.”

Is this “radical?” I believe all psychological research tells us I am not, I am not radical. 

Otherwise, I believe in a “Restorative Justice” approach and reparations. Punishment cannot be used for retribution or vengeance. It is and of course, will continue to be used. It certainly will be but I see no religious moral or philosophical grounding for it.

The way I see it. Now why? It is because criminality starts and stops in the human mind. Crimes are discreet acts no matter how horrible. The truth is we harm ourselves the more we hurt others. And that is what punishment does, it hurts others, and therefore through it we harm ourselves. 

All we can do is try and heal ourselves. I have never understood what business I had yelling for the harm of another who did me no harm. Certainly, I am part of society and there is violence done to society, but again, in the end, they are discreet acts. As we know the execution of one will not bring back the deceased. I do not believe in “evil.”

Whatever took place in the mind of this 16-year-old took place due to some combination of genetics and the complex interaction of biochemistry and environment. 

I have briefly looked for some biographical data but have found nothing but that his father was retired police. This is a red flag. 

I have great respect for the police. We tell them to “take care” of the business that we want no part of. They absorb all the trauma then go home and often get addicted to prescription drugs and alcohol and beat their kids and wives and honest citizenry that they stop. I know, I hear the tales. Certainly not all, nor even the majority, but maybe it was true in the household of the accused. And it does not take much.

If the idea of murder, in any individual, seems to come out of left field like it did with Leapold and Lobe then it does. I for one ask why is it so hard to understand. Why is it so hard to understand that? People might be broken, simply broken? It is then for us to understand.

A tornado comes out of left field and destroys 300 lives and that is simple to understand and yet we are flabbergasted when billions of neurons in the brain take a momentary left turn. Natural disasters have not always been simple to understand. For most of our existence, we have explained such disasters in terms of divine intervention. And to be sure many people still do. It is the same when we desire punishment. We want some moral or divine intervention.

Do I believe in excuses? I do. I believe in explanations. I believe the mind to be fragile. To explain is to understand. So should he be released? It is a done deal is it not? I think we have a system. I think the system is going in the right direction. But there is no guarantee that it will continue in that direction or even reverse. I think it cannot be perfect. 

For sure we cannot know for sure that “good behavior” proves anything. We do know that even at 18 people are much different than at 16 and then again at 22 and even at 25. The brain is not fully integrated until 25. Almost all murders are committed before 25 years of age. I don’t think it is for me to have an opinion.

I am happy Pat Quinn signed the death penalty out of existence. 

Thanks Brian Lynch, M.D., Chicago

" Shame and the “alpha” male or female? Or my “stuff” is better than yours. "

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Shame and the “alpha” male or female? Or my “stuff” is better than yours?

 "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you,

 then they attack you, then 

 you win." Gandhi

Being ignored has always been a common experience. Today whether it's in personal interactions or online communication, the feeling of being disregarded can be hurtful and frustrating. This sentiment is captured in the famous quote by Gandhi.

 We can have fond memories of George Carlin or just go to YouTube “Stuff”, your stuff, and my stuff. We all have “stuff” and we all like our “stuff.” Of course, Mr. Carlin might or might not use another synonym for “stuff.”

We all have our "stuff," our interests, ideas, and passions that we want to share with others. It's natural to want recognition and engagement when we reach out to someone, hoping to connect and start a meaningful conversation. However, sometimes our attempts are met with indifference as if our "stuff" doesn't matter.

Recently, I had an experience where I reached out to someone, sharing my work and hoping to engage in a conversation. Unfortunately, all I received in return was a brief update on our past activities and a link to their recent page. There was no acknowledgment or discussion of what I had shared with them.

 While I may be overthinking the situation, I can't help but feel that there is a lack of reciprocity and genuine interest. It seems that this behavior has become pervasive as if inspired by George Carlin's humorous commentary on our obsession with "our" possessions, which he referred to as "stuff."

In a world where we are constantly bombarded with information and distractions, it's crucial to find ways to overcome the challenges of being ignored and constantly being interrupted. Ignoring someone can be a form of humiliation, making them feel insignificant and disregarded. It's a painful experience that can erode self-worth and lead to a sense of isolation.

The question then becomes: How do we respond to humiliation without perpetuating the cycle? It's a complex issue that warrants further exploration, perhaps even as a topic for research in the field of "humiliation studies."

Once in the position of being the target of humiliation, what does one do?

In what position? In that position of being ignored. All one has to do is ignore you. 

 This is what all “alpha’s” know intuitively that shame begets shame. To use shame as a weapon towards others when you are in control has a pretty good chance of shaming your target into submission. Such tension tends to lead to more negative emotions. It is a dangerous game as in a small portion it inevitability leads to some type of violence. And there are all types of violence. And the alpha knows that in most instances in society that “violence” is such that “all” that is going to happen is that the injured party is going to look like the aggressor or the fool. Or if the alpha is in power, “the boss” etc. they will now be able to more readily be able to dismiss the lowly one once more and often to permanently exclude them. See: The Shame Factor

 The important point is that they know that no matter what it is, it is as if you were a nat. This sometimes fails and there is a tipping point and someone comes back with a gun or a revolution starts.

I will go out on a limb here and say that all mass shootings are based on shame and humiliation.

 It's often suggested that the best way to deal with such situations is to ignore them in return. However, this approach can be challenging, as the pain of being ignored is deeply felt. As Albert Camus eloquently stated, "The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but the ignominy, the humiliation we feel that we must be what we are without any choice in the matter and that this humiliation is seen by everyone."

You may suggest just ignoring them. Ignore Who? Those that ignore us? But we are told to express our feelings when we can and when it is appropriate and why is it not appropriate here? Do we have feelings? Because to be ignored hurts. This quote expresses the idea does it not?

 In our personal relationships and professional interactions, we must strive to create an environment where everyone's contributions are valued and respected. By actively listening, engaging in meaningful conversations, and acknowledging the existence and worth of others, we can break free from the cycle of humiliation.

 Ultimately, the path to overcoming humiliation lies in fostering empathy, compassion, and a genuine desire to connect with others. Let us work together to build a world where no one feels ignored or reduced to nothingness.

It is as if it is the most hidden of human “pivot points” but it is the point upon which almost all power rest and turns. I am speaking of this moment of being ignored. Of saying essentially “You are nothing.” If we would teach it to all, all power would melt away. Outlaw it. “I’ve got you. I know what you are doing. You are ignoring me. You are trying to make me into nothing.” But a critical mass has to learn it to change the world.

It has been pointed out that children that have been “actively” abused do better than abandoned children. The simple explanation is that the child is not “nothing” but something. The parent is attending to them in some way, providing for them showing interest. Those in power so often treat us as nothing.

 Then recently I had a conversation about how showing slight contempt is often worse than a punch in the face. The latter of course shows real engagement and recognition of your existence while the former is dismissive of your existence.

 We are severally pained by the dismissiveness of unanswered emails and in academics, it is legend that colleagues will turn blue before admitting to having read their colleagues' work. I can at least be a little more “something” if I ignore you if you are “nothing”, at least to me.

A final thought. A famous couples therapist John Gottman is well known for being able to predict if couples will stay together on the basis of 15 minutes of conversation between them. He then says that one way to evaluate your relationships is the percentage of time your partner responds to a “Bid”. Does your partner respond to your request to engage? He says good relationships do so 86 percent of the time. Disastrous relationships respond only 36% of the time. See John Gottman .

 

Who Says We Are Not Aware of Shame and Humiliation?

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Who Says We Are Not Aware

 of Shame and Humiliation?

"The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but that this humiliation is seen by everyone."
Milan Kundera as quoted by Hotch on “Criminal Minds”

The full quote appears to be “The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but the ignominy, the humiliation we feel that we must be what we are without any choice in the matter and that this humiliation is seen by everyone.”

Shame and humiliation are concepts that have become more prevalent in the psychological literature over the last twenty years. At the forefront of articulating their meaning and use have been those who work with the concepts of Silvan S. Tomkins and Donald Nathanson.

This short piece is the result of my in-depth use of these concepts in my work and study of Affect Psychology for several years and nascent ideas about how I see these ideas playing out in the culture, especially in the popular media.

The final impetus for this was an episode of a popular TV series called “Criminal Minds.”

This show revolves around a fictional FBI task force stationed at Quantico Vg. of mainly criminal “profilers” that can be called into action by invitation by local authorities to investigate difficult crimes. Usually, these are serial killers. They are a “strike team” with their private jet. In reality, the FBI has no such force. At Quantico, there are, however, special agents with profiling skills that can be called.

There is much fantasy here: first that there would be federal dollars to support such a task force on an ongoing basis. They are just not that many cases in reality and the more disturbing fact is that it portrays the mentally ill as statically much more violent than they are.

Why this case? There is no particular reason other than it was just one more plot of many I have seen that is based on the motive of humiliation for murder.

Synopsis:

Three talented young women disappear; they are all preparing to go off to college on athletic scholarships.

A relative of one of the girls contacts one of The FBI team members and gets them involved. Jumping to the conclusion of the episode it is found that the suspect must have been on the soccer team long ago. He is a garbage man, he blew out his knee in the championship game, lost a scholarship to Notre Dame, and everyone forgot about him. As many of these scenarios are they are rather gruesome.

But their gruesomeness introduces an interesting twist. They are gruesome to pique our interest and excitement. In being so gruesome and extreme we tend to put out of mind that such crimes do take place. We put reality out of our minds and somehow play a trick on ourselves. We feel that if we put the humiliating acts out of mind we can pretend that such humiliation only takes place in extreme cases or to other people.

In this case, the man had sequestered the three girls in a dungeon-like room without food or water until they decide who they would kill. They had to kill one of the three so that two would live.

One of them was sick so as she became weaker the more aggressive of the three took control and convinced the third they simply had to kill her. They yell to their captor telling him they have decided and his response is to throw them two large hammers.

Once they realize what has happened one weakens but the other becomes resolved that they have to kill their mate while they are agreeing the third revives sneaks up, and hits the aggressive girl in the head killing her instantly. A neat twist, thus saving the audience and the girls from the other horrid outcome of the other two wailing away freely on their teammates. Here we have a more clear-cut case of self-defense.

One might be quick to say that none of the synopsis of the murder adds much to my theme of shame and humiliation except to suggest and remind us of the debts to which toxic shame can lead people. I mainly recount the main plot for completeness.

Yet it has some further purpose. What is the murderer doing? This TV crime show is not just a silly excitement riddled story. The killer is playing out his morality play of and repeating a ramped-up version of his humiliation as payback to this pristine community for the years of “nothingness” he has felt.”

It is what I call the dangers of inadvertent humiliation. Society has not a clue, nor in this case should they, of what happened in this young kid's mind so many years ago and how it festered. How it could show up in such pathology so many years later? And we know it is quite rare that such a scenario would or does happen. Yet every mass shooting, that has its origin in humiliation, is certainly, not rare.

The important point is that humiliation was and is used in almost all crime stories used as a motivation for the action. But I emphasize also all the creator is doing is describing a real tangible dynamic.

I note that the motivation of humiliation is not even spelled out or followed through on in this particular episode. It is implied. We see the agents unite friends and relatives of these girls in this small town and then watch as they start fighting amongst each other and then see the agent telling them that this is what the suspect wants. Why? They don’t say it but the only reason would be to redress some previous wrong, that is for revenge.

Then all we find out is that he is a garbage man and supposedly all others involved have much higher stations in life. Of course, the three girls are star athletes and going off to IVY league schools and we learn that he lost a scholarship to Norte Dame. But there is no further comment about him. No interview, just his arrest.

It seems as if a slight misstep in the writing or just the time constraints of the format leaves no time for exploration of motive. That is not the point of the show. As always in American TV it is the case that it is our addiction to “excitement.” That does not diminish our growing maturity in recognizing shame and humiliation as a motivation for crime. Or it might be more sophisticated; a recognition that the viewer can sort all this out.

All this said it is and was for me an opportunity to comment on how humiliation has become a mainstay, a workhorse of motivation in TV drama as well as in “reality” TV. There has been some discussion of this on email lists but with this episode, it just occurred to me how it is really “right under noses” and yet not explored.

It has been suggested to me that at least the general public will more or less readily accept and understand the humiliation and the concept of shame at this level. The level of it being a motivation for murder whereas we, as already suggested, we have a much harder time understating the concepts in our day-to-day emotional lives. What do you think?

What do I mean? I mean that this whole point of this is a segue to talk about that despite the concepts of shame and humiliation being in the literate for many years they are not readily or easily accepted or introduced to the public or patients. Yet, as we see in this episode of “Criminal Minds” they are used in popular culture.

This raises some interesting questions that I think are being ignored.

First, I should be clear that for those not familiar with television drama this episode of “Criminal Minds” is by no means isolated. I wish I could offer a statistical analysis of several shows but I can’t. I can attest that any number of episodes of the set “CSI” series, the set of “Law and Order” series, and well as “Criminal Minds” base the motivation for the murder on revenge, revenge for having been humiliated. Of course “revenge” is an age-old motivation. What is different is the addition of the motivation for the revenge. That addition is the articulation of being shamed and humiliated.

Likewise, for years now, there have been several “reality shows” of all types. Shows that pit people against one another in artificial situations such as “Survivor” to shows such as “Hell’s Kitchen” and The “Weakest Link.” All of these in one way or another, in non-fictional ways, put people in situations or play-up situations where they are apt to be or ritually shame and humiliate each other.

I have broached the idea for some time that quite possibly we are simply discovering these concepts and there is no particular positive way to come to peace with them. Or they are, for the first time, coming fully into human consciousness. 

Technology and the entrainment medium offer a somewhat “safe” arena to, gain, and come to terms with these powerful emotions. We have always had the battlefield and 2000 thousand years ago we had the coliseum with Gladiators to “play with our emotions.” We still have the battlefield but to a much lesser extent despite popular opinion and we still have the coliseum for the NFL to the WWF but we also have the reality that we have seen concerning how war technology places soldiers in a surreal world where killing becomes a video game.

This is about an observation that we are making progress. Shame and humiliation are coming into consciousness and unless they do we will not be able to mitigate their power.

Although we are making progress. When I and my colleagues present these ideas in talks and therapy sessions we marvel at how little excitement and understanding there seems to be.

I will say that I think we as teachers might be missing powerful teaching moments by not referring more to and pulling examples from popular culture.

Then the question is why is it that popular culture, in my mind at least, is equal with or ahead of science in this area?

There is a saying that “the artist gets there first.”

This is completely consistent with the concepts that neuroscience is teaching us. The idea is that our information flow is in that order. It is preconscious in our deep memory banks of “affect” bundled up with “imagery” and it is only finally that it comes into consciousness. So it would seem that groups and history would follow the paradigm of the individual. The artist works on the subconscious level. They simply are pulling up the feeling and imagery more quickly then society at large.

It is said that the history of modern physics is portrayed in early modern art.

I will leave you with a synopsis of what I think is one of the poorer crime shows and that is “CSI Miami” It focuses almost totally on the mechanics of yet-to-exist technical crime techniques and very little character development. I say this as this episode had a fairly strong storyline based on humiliation.

The telling of the tale, however, takes only a few lines. The story takes place during the famous “Spring Break” in Miami. Two young men are found dead under suspicious circumstances. It turns out that at some previous point, they had severally humiliated a young lady who was overweight making her feel as if she was “nothing.” So much so that she lost the weight and became quite attractive, came to spring break, and enticed them sexually. They were none the wiser as to whom she was. At the appropriate moment, she let them know who she was and then killed them.

My final comment is this type of understanding of shame and humiliation is articulated over and over again. The writers have a very conscious understanding of it or so it would seem. They must be familiar with the literature. I invite comments about it. So it would seem that we in the business seem to be, to me, on a “high horse” of sorts and with blinders thinking we are the only ones of sorts “holding these concepts in consciousness.”

Shame is inevitable. It is at base a biological signal that something went wrong. We then learn what that signal means. It can mean many different things  The opening quote is complex and accurate on all levels. Shame is certainly not some “personal mistake of ours.” But it is precisely the helplessness we feel in the fact that we have no choice in the fact that our desires are interrupted by life willy-nilly and we are brought to our knees that we, often, feel immense humiliation. And when we are exposed it can drive us insane.