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Friday, April 9, 2010

“Giving Advice is Attacking Others”

“Giving Advice is Attacking Others”




Brian Lynch

 We are exquisitely sensitive to our inadequacies and just maybe exquisitely sensitive to others' pain, although it often does not seem like it.


It does not seem like “we” or that others are so sensitive as it is so often the case that we are victims of criticism when we are looking for understanding and support. My purpose is to show that what seems like insensitivity is often the opposite. The appearance of insensitivity is a defense.


This experience often comes from a sense of insecurity, of not knowing the answer to anthers' plea for help or understanding. It comes from reliving the trauma of childhood. We were expected at an early age to know the answer, to come up with a solution, and to know what to do. 


When we are now put in a situation, one we did not ask for, of helping someone solve a problem we get “anxious”, and feel shame for not knowing the answer. We were told that “life is tough kid you better get used to it.” It is up to you to know the answer and solve the problem.


It is being exquisitely sensitive to our shame and humiliation being triggered by old memories. This trumps our ability to be empathetic with others at the moment. This leads so often to a critical response or useless advice. We would not be thrown into these “attacks” unless we recognized the immediate pain of the person in front of us. But our pain is triggered and memories of having to have the answer interfere and we give what we got and tell the person often the first “suggestion” that comes to mind or return to the “life is tough kid you better get used to it.” 


This is the same kind of dynamic where the person is always telling you that they will be “right there.” It will be a “few minutes” or a “just an hour” and then they show up three hours later and act as if nothing had happened. Yes, they were trying to please you. They also are having a knee–jerk reaction to their shame of not being in control of their actions. They probably would be in control if they were not sabotaged by the memory of a father, mother, or brother telling them to constantly “hurry up.”


So in giving “advice” we attack? So often I have been on the receiving end of “advice” that has been, even well-intentioned, but useless.


The attacker needs to “fill the space”, the silence that is causing shame. The advice giver relieves this shame and distress by saying something and pretty much anything. Useless information is shaming and humiliating, of course, to the listener.


I want to be clear that the point is we are driven( Always the question is what motivates us?) by our shame and distress for whatever reason. We give advice on a knee-jerk basis. One of the most irritating situations is when the advice giver more or less knows he or she is giving “lite” advice, that is the first thing that comes to mind and they are called on it and then say “I know, you’re right.” Well, are we paying attention or not?


Meaningful advice should be given after knowing a great deal about the other's situation. What the individual seeking advice more than anything is to be listened to.


A favorite of mine is that when I have needed help with something the advice is “Why don’t you find someone to do this or that to help you out? Get a college kid.” Well, have you ever tried to do that? It is quite an undertaking. Nothing is truer than “good help is hard to find.”


It more and more amazes me how I can be in what I think is a safe and trusting environment and I share some problems and what happens is the worst kind of dressing down or a flippant comment.

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