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This is the introduction to my pamphlet entitled Doing -Thinking -Feeling- In the World and serves as an introduction to this blog. You migh...

Psychology blogs & blog posts

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

We Are All Emperors Without Cloths : “Mirroring II”

 We Are All Emperors Without Cloths : “Mirroring II”



“Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?”


I am writing this with restraint. I am not going to use the usual terms that psychiatry and psychology use to “label” people. I don’t because I think the only way to get beyond these terms and labels is simply to stop using them.


I want, as do a growing number of us, to replace almost all “labels” with a new way of looking at human behavior. That is that the line between normal and “abnormal” is vague if and when it exists at all. 


There are, of course, clearly defined “genetic” disorders but more and more, there are fewer and fewer “pure” disorders. As we see even a condition such as Downs Syndrome over the last fifty years has made great progress. They now lead much more normal lives.


I believe that almost all human activity can be summarized as 1) A focused interest in a goal where effort can be sustained whether the goal is achieved or not. Or in contrast, 2) due to confusion, hurt, or shame; short or long term, the person will a) withdraw from their goal, b) blame themselves for not achieving their goal, c) avoid the problem using sex, drugs, or any number of methods of distracting ourselves and lastly, when all else fails we will attack. Then, if all else fails we will start the cycle all over again. Why, one way over another? It is because we have learned from an early age to move forward using one method over another.


Often lovers will get caught in the above circle. All kinds of terrible labels will be thrown at everyone in the situation. It has been my experience, as a therapist, that all this is pretty much hooey. That is the part about “terrible labels.” No doubt, no doubt, all the research and writing, and work that has led to all this classification has helped, and has been useful, as we as humans have to articulate. We have to describe situations. To name is to know. To describe is to know. Yet it is also to control too much and to humiliate.


Humans are not lab rats. Yet, am I not reducing everything to five actions? But I think reducing our behavior to five generic actions is liberating. It says we all are emperors without clothes”


So when any of us are feeling pain we “only” have five “choices” and if we are not doing too well and cannot focus on what is bothering us and can not solve the problem we might do this: we might engage in a type of “false interest”, say “fall in love.” 


Now this is tricky as people are people. The “Interest” can no doubt be “real”. On the other hand, our pain may be so great that we search out anyone to be with, and in the meantime, darn it, there we go, we “fall in love” ( A common theme in, say, spy movies, such as “Bond” movies but here it is an “almost always an “obvious” manipulation at first Bond falls in love and then gets hurt.). So “love” and this “bastardized” interest (love). Why “bastardized” because much of the energy is coming from avoiding something rather than true attention to the person. That is we are confused and think we are “just” in a relationship not realizing the true cost. None of this may be conscious. 


So much of what we do is because we have “learned” that we cannot directly ask for anything, this I have covered before. This is from a history of abuse. 


I “have” to be deceptive otherwise I will be denied. Of course, if it is not conscious then we do think we are “falling in love” only later to be shocked into reality by our subconscious when the “truth” leaks through and we find out the “real” “subconscious” truth.


But everything here is much more interesting and unfortunately tragic. But what if I find that this “interest” is not working? What happens? I find fault with myself. What else can I do? 

 

I did this. I engaged. Did I not? I alone know the lie. But I continue the lie. I continue the interest. But what is the lie? The lie is human. The relationship is human. Interest is real. This is real. This lie is real. This person is real. This love is real!


But the original “I am here due to a lie” hunts me. I am here due to a scar, a tear in my heart that I cannot face. So I persist. I protest that you must understand, “I am only trying to avoid the pain of my past of facing the past. Please don’t make me do that. I have to do something. That is the only reason I am ‘using’ you.” 


I move now to “avoid.” “Let’s talk” “what are you interested in.” I become you. I become you. “I am you.” I “lose” myself in you. If you do drugs I do drugs.


If you drink I drink. If you smoke I smoke. If you rob banks, I rob banks. If you study astrophysics well, darn it I’ll try or I’ll sure make your eggs. Or, of course, we will have great sex. Yes, sex, sex, sex.


But then what if it all ends? What if the other “catches on?” What if they want a “real” relationship? Well, that would mean that they would be questioning you. What audacity. I still have not even thought about my original problem, have I? Why I am here with you? I am here with you because I am running from my pain. But you are not cooperating! You have discovered my lie so what can I do? I have to attack you. I have to attack you. I must destroy you. How? Well, humiliation might be a good way. 


Now what if this does not work? Well, well we can start all over; we can try and run away, withdraw, then blame ourselves and avoid and attack. Or we can start a slow process and heal. The good news is the “interest” was partially real. Grab on to that real interest, the “now” interest. Some “avoidances” are not all “bad.” We can do well without attacking ourselves or others almost all the time.




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