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This is the introduction to my pamphlet entitled Doing -Thinking -Feeling- In the World and serves as an introduction to this blog. You migh...

Psychology blogs & blog posts

Thursday, March 25, 2010

"Feelings as Tapestry"

Feelings as Tapestry





Brian Lynch


We can think of every one of our personalities as a tapestry or ornate woven rug.


The materials for the finished product would start with the emotional apparatus we are born with.


There is a lot of evidence to say that we are born with a fixed set of emotions or feelings. For our purposes today I will name them as anger, fear, interest, surprise, distress, disgust, contempt, joy, and shame.


Imagine each of these as one of the threads we had to start with to weave with on our loom to make our tapestry or rug. The moment we were born the threads would all be separated and “pure” but immediately life would begin to weave them into our unique patterns of “knowing” the world."


There is me and my twin brother and my one-year-old sister and there is a terrible thunderstorm. How do we feel? I might feel much fear followed by some distress and then more fear. My twin, on the other hand, might at first feel surprised and then fearful, but then joy at the lighting and laugh. My sister on the other hand, simply might stare out the window in amazement or intense “interest.”


Since this storm was very intense and stimulated our nervous system in all of us in intense ways we all “recorded” it in some way in our memories and it is now part of our instruction manual as to how we will respond to thunderstorms. We, that is, learned in those moments how to respond to thunderstorms. How did we learn and who was our teacher? Well, we were nothing much, but putty in the hands of nature. Nature was our teacher and why one felt interested and the other felt fear is pretty much an accident. But little by little through these intense experiences and then by grouping similar experiences we learn what the world means to us. We begin to form our personality.


We can see it can be and is a very personal world just as every custom rug and tapestry is unique in the world so is every personality. Each experience is like a series of knots that are securely tied. Can they be untied? This is an important question.


The next thought about our patterns or life is once we have these feelings what do we do? During the thunderstorm what did we do? I cried. My brother laughed and danced around. My sister was still. We all could have “done” many different” things and still felt the same. I can be fearful and run away or I could have tried and ignored the problem by suppressing the feelings. Whatever I do at these early ages will also start to become “learned” experiences and like secure knots tied deep in the tapestry of our personalities. Can they be undone? This is an important question.


Once the tapestry or rug is made can it be changed? This is the question of therapy and the work of therapy. The purpose of this piece is to get us to think about how personality is formed starting with innate feeling most of all. But we are not rugs or tapestries we are living, breathing humans that can and do change but it is not easy.


Brian Lynch, 


COPYRIGHT 2010

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

“I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.”

“I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.”




Brian Lynch

I remember when I was thinking about going into medicine I wondered what a “nervous breakdown” was. I mention this as many people still use this phrase. In these few words, I want to help us understand that we can help ourselves by being more understanding of our mental states.


First, if you have ever had that thought: “I am going to have a nervous breakdown” I would like you to think about how you felt at the time. Were you angry? Was there a lot of fear? Usually, it is the case that there seems to be “too much” going on in our lives that is stimulating our unpleasant feelings that we become very overwhelmed. Anger, fear, disgust, distress, and shame take over. Doom looms in the future. We think, “What is on the other side.” We don’t know. We see disaster in the world but what will become of our mind? We know the phrase “nervous breakdown” but have we ever seen someone have a “nervous breakdown?” True enough people “shut down.” They do have radical changes in their behavior and they do become hospitalized and many of us have lived through unfortunate circumstances. I may be being unfair, but you may have a clear idea of a “nervous breakdown”, even so, and for those that don’t I want to say we can be much clearer in our thought and if so, much better off.


Above all, there is much more help available now. The first rule is that we now know that simply having someone to talk to in troubled times who will not judge you is very important. Next, I ask you to consider the truth of the statement “that it is almost as equally difficult to pursue a path of healing as it is to, as one friend said, “give up.” I say this as I think sometimes when we say we are going to have a “nervous breakdown” it is at those times that we want to “give up.” But what does that lead to? Running way? To where? Blaming ourselves for our problems? Where does that get us? Using drugs to drown our sorrows? What does that accomplish? And then a good solution, blaming others for everything. That fixes things? All these things take a lot of energy and are what constitute giving up and what constitutes a “nervous breakdown” for many and in great part.


Now, I want to be very clear it is very tricky, as I do not think we “choose” to “give” up.


I said it takes as much “energy” to do one or the other, to “give up” or keep going. It is an “energy” balance and I believe it is driven by our emotional state. How overwhelmed are we by our unpleasant emotions at any given time? Is there a solution? Can we control them? We can, to a point by working today build strong relationships with others so we do have that friend, spouse, or special other that we can always confide in and then ultimately so we can build the inner strength to calm ourselves, calm our specific feelings, when needed in the middle of the storm if we find ourselves alone. Not easy but practice, practice, practice.


Copyright 2010

R

“Cast The First Stone”

“Cast The First Stone”



Brian Lynch

Whenever I write I wish not to be “pointing the finger at others”, although it is natural to first see “wrong” in others first, but very often I will write something and then be so surprised to be thinking about what I wrote and find that I remember doing a similar thing to someone just recently.

Today, I am thinking about stories I have heard and experiences I have heard concerning people that just seem to be unable to, well, share very much.

In extreme form, it might be that you could not expect them to walk across the room and get you a glass of water.

People who might live with you a week and maybe, just maybe, wash the dish from which they ate. Otherwise, they feel that they need every last cent that they have as “who knows what might happen tomorrow?”

People, who know all about a given profession, are professional and yet after 20 years and claim you as their “best” friend, but I bet you, you have not gotten one bit of “free” advice from them. You might be “picking” their brain! Yet you have freely given of your knowledge as you see this as part and parcel of “friendship”, of sharing. One of the best examples and “proofs” of this is email. Think of all the caring emails you have sent out without one response.

Over and over you hear, “I’d love to help you out” with this or that. “I know how to do this or that.” “You really should get this organized.”, etc. But nothing comes of it.

A relative is full of advice. You’re desperate for tuition money but you just hear criticism. Had you done this or that? They are going to give all their savings to the poor in India when they die. That is the only solution they can see. “Otherwise' people just hurt you?”

So why are “we” like this so much of the time? Well, the last statement says it all. “Otherwise, people just hurt you?” So it is with, for example, email. It is so often that it is not the case that communication is not appreciated. Quite the contrary. Tt is much appreciated, but people cannot let on that they appreciate it.

If we are not creating the good times now, today, then we are not creating them, we are living in fear of some unknown future. Why is it that we are not creating the good times today? It must only be because we have learned to be cautious. A little logic must tell us that there should be a balance to this but then who is to tell us what that balance is? Where do we go to find out?

If we have been severely abused how do we even know we have been severely abused and that we are “over reacting?” How do we know that we should be more giving and if we were more giving we would be better off? The truth is those that don’t know and are not “evil”, “mean” or “doing it on purpose” just do not know. Those that can give in the moment and experience the “interest” and the resulting “joy” of giving and hopefully of receiving only know it through doing. The receiving part is very important because the downside is that is almost as dangerous and “sick” is to give and give without receiving as to not give.


Copyright 2010


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

”Sometimes it’s wrong to be right.”

”Sometimes it’s wrong to be right.”


Brian Lynch    


This title comes from a colleague’s essay on the same material.


The idea is that when we are in important relationships things can get heated.


These columns are about how emotion and our reason should work together.


Working together implies that maybe at one moment, one should guide the other and it is not always reason that should rule (it does in the end).


The situation is simple: you are in a heated discussion with your spouse and you know you have “the facts” on your side. You know you are absolutely “right.” The question is, is it always the “right” thing to do to push your point?


This can be true in the workplace and organizations. The more “smart” we are at identifying emotional landmines the more we will recognize these situations.


Someone once told me that “you cannot force a deal.” So true. These are words of wisdom I apply a lot. Ramming something down someone’s throat is not productive and usually comes back to hunt us. On the other hand is it not always clear what to do. Facts are important. Situations are complicated and sometimes immediately dangerous and action has to be taken.


But often, time is on our side and if we see the person is “resistant” then what does it serve us to “push” the point? Nothing is gained. The person is telling us that they are simply not emotionally ready to handle the information. If we are a good observer of emotion in others we will pick up on this. We will “go with the flow.” We will not be quick to anger or be so shamed by the nonresponse. These are the most difficult of situations. It reminds me once again that the most powerful word in any language is “no.” How do we respond to any “negative” action?


Of course, each situation is nuanced and unique. The point here is we have to be satisfied most of the time with just having done our best. We tried. Knowing when to stop and not make matters worse is just as important.


Sometimes we have to leave a relationship, job, or organization.


Of course, this is all being “diplomatic” but “diplomatic” is a word like so many that can hide so much other feeling. That, of course, is the point, not to recognize feeling and “smooth” it over when we are “diplomatic.” That is a different kind of response than I am proposing in the face of being “wrong when you are right.” Being diplomatic leaves open the possibility of deception and manipulation. That is not what this is about, it is rather about empathy. It is about understanding the other’s needs as well as your own. Not only solving your problem, but “the problem” of appreciating everyone’s emotional stake.


Brian Lynch



Copyright 2010


“Expressing Anger”

“Expressing Anger”

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Brian Lynch


Is expressing anger “abusive?” I believe more and more two things: 1) we have little control over our emotions and 2) we need to “express them.” We start there.


This does not mean that we cannot learn a lot about managing them, but as none of us have had much if any instruction each of us is at a different place and this makes relationships difficult.


Anger is a big issue. Something happens and you get angry and express it. The other person feels “abused.” Is it abuse? Well, it is in the eye of the beholder to a point. This is a real problem. We have a conflict of needs.


If someone is expressing anger I believe there is a real problem. That is, there is a legitimate issueHow they are expressing it may be a real problem also. If they are violent physically or verbally this is a separate problem and the other party has a separate decision to make. More likely than not they should try and remove themselves from the situation long term.


Again, this is not to say that what made the person angry in the first place does not have “legitimate” grounds. This is difficult to accept or even think about. The reasons for anger and the “triggers” are one thing. How we have learned to play it out is completely different. I can be justifiably angry that you are not paying me my hundred dollars, but beating you up is not the solution.


Most all anger is born of “hurt”, “confusion” and “shame.” How are these produced? I say because we had an “interest.”


Often the tragedy is that situations develop rapidly and deteriorate simply because two people have their desires. I have my plans and you have yours. We did not anticipate each other’s plans. The “collision” of desires can result in “anger” from feeling untitled or unappreciated. One might feel “used” or “betrayed.” All that happened is that each was intensely interested in what they were interested in.


Now what often happens is, no matter what the level of “anger” the person that gets angry first is “blamed.” Anger becomes the focus of the whole situation. I say this is a great error. Again, there is a very important distinction between legitimate anger and how it is expressed. And this type of “attack back” has deep roots in our education against not expressing emotion and being taught that we are morally bad for expressing negative feelings.


Many people have indeed been very traumatized by the expression of anger. These people cannot tolerate much if any expression of negative emotion or criticism. This is a problem. What is “abusive” and what is not? Good question. In one sense abuse is what we think it is.


The big danger is that if we do not accept that we first feel and then react then I think we are at a loss. It puts the other in the position of “walking on eggshells” of blaming themselves for “feeling what they feel.” The other can always “accuse” and call the trump card of “abuse” and thus never consider that maybe they did not think through what they did to hurt the other. I am fully aware that “walking on eggshells” can work both ways. Those that never raised their voice might be the most abusive.


I thought it was very intelligent of one person to tell her therapist, in anger, that she did not want to take her Zoloft! The therapist had said, “Take it, it will help you cope.”She said, “I don’t want to “cope”! “I want him to change!” I thought that was rather brilliant. She was being asked to take on all the burden of the relationship.



Copyright 2010