“Expressing Anger”

“Expressing Anger”

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Brian Lynch

Is expressing anger “abusive?” I believe more and more two things: 1) we have little control over our emotions and 2) we need to “express them.” We start there.

This does not mean that we cannot learn a lot about managing them, but as none of us have had much if any instruction each of us is at a different place and this makes relationships difficult.

Anger is a big issue. Something happens and you get angry and express it. The other person feels “abused.” Is it abuse? Well, it is in the eye of the beholder to a point. This is a real problem. We have a conflict of needs.

If someone is expressing anger I believe there is a real problem. That is, there is a legitimate issue. How they are expressing it may be a real problem also. If they are violent physically or verbally this is a separate problem and the other party has a separate decision to make. More likely than not they should try and remove themselves from the situation long term.

Again, this is not to say that what made the person angry in the first place does not have “legitimate” grounds. This is difficult to accept or even think about. The reasons for anger and the “triggers” are one thing. How we have learned to play it out is completely different. I can be justifiably angry that you are not paying me my hundred dollars, but beating you up is not the solution.

Most all anger is born of “hurt”, “confusion” and “shame.” How are these produced? I say because we had an “interest.”

Often the tragedy is that situations develop rapidly and deteriorate simply because two people have their desires. I have my plans and you have yours. We did not anticipate each other’s plans. The “collision” of desires can result in “anger” from feeling untitled or unappreciated. One might feel “used” or “betrayed.” All that happened is that each was intensely interested in what they were interested in.

Now what often happens is, no matter what the level of “anger” the person that gets angry first is “blamed.” Anger becomes the focus of the whole situation. I say this is a great error. Again, there is a very important distinction between legitimate anger and how it is expressed. And this type of “attack back” has deep roots in our education against not expressing emotion and being taught that we are morally bad for expressing negative feelings.

Many people have indeed been very traumatized by the expression of anger. These people cannot tolerate much if any expression of negative emotion or criticism. This is a problem. What is “abusive” and what is not? Good question. In one sense abuse is what we think it is.

The big danger is that if we do not accept that we first feel and then react then I think we are at a loss. It puts the other in the position of “walking on eggshells” of blaming themselves for “feeling what they feel.” The other can always “accuse” and call the trump card of “abuse” and thus never consider that maybe they did not think through what they did to hurt the other. I am fully aware that “walking on eggshells” can work both ways. Those that never raised their voice might be the most abusive.

I thought it was very intelligent of one person to tell her therapist, in anger, that she did not want to take her Zoloft! The therapist had said, “Take it, it will help you cope.”She said, “I don’t want to “cope”! “I want him to change!” I thought that was rather brilliant. She was being asked to take on all the burden of the relationship.

Copyright 2010