“What Is An “Intervention”?”

Brian Lynch

In the “recovery movement,” an intervention is an activity where family and friends attempt to intervene in a person's life when they feel that their use of some drug has gotten out of hand to the point that it is ruining the person's life. This is where they more or less “trick” the person into coming to dinner or just over to someone’s house and then ten people show up and confront the person about what is going on. This is done in a “scripted” manner.

I had not thought about this in some time until a recent conversation about it with someone and it was mentioned that someone was contemplating organizing an intervention for someone but they were not sure there was a drug problem. What was certain was that there was a problem of communication.

It fairly rapidly occurred to me that there was a “problem” with this type of thinking. I voiced my opinion that I very often or almost always emphasize to people that come to me about addiction and that the addiction has “ultimately nothing to do with drugs.” It has, “Nothing to do with alcohol.” And overeating has “nothing to do with food.” Of course, they all look at me as if I am crazy at first but only for a moment. Why? Because it is true. All our problems start with emotional turmoil and then we do something about it. Of course, things can get complicated but for now, we will focus on the thought that we feel and then we do.

I emphasize also that society needs scapegoats and that we pick on addicts as addictions are just more visible than other problems like staying in the house all day or being addicted to sex or money.

So my thought about this intervention was, well, go ahead and do the intervention! It does not have to have anything to do with “drugs or alcohol” and be darn sure you don’t mention drugs or alcohol. Do not mention drugs or alcohol.

I am not that familiar with the experience of an “intervention” but I am sure many of them are “run” horribly and are disasters as they turn out to be shaming and humiliating to the intended target.

Any such approach has to be done with the greatest of care and respect and dignity for the person. The only message that can be sent has to be that “We are interested in you.” “Interest” is the key. This however cannot be but shame-producing to the person and the response can be and often is anger. 

Remember you invited yourselves to the party. If you have been hurt by the person it is fair to say you have been hurt, but remember you are there for them realizing that the only way you are not going to get hurt in the future is for them to get better. What is the long-term best interest of everyone? What is in the best interest of the “community?”

A favorite poly that I also hear is that people are told "Get help or we will not help or talk to you."

How this is "good" psychotherapy and how it is based on good research I haven't a clue. People are in these situations because of deep issues of having been shamed and humiliated and often have severe issues of abandonment. To now be "cornered" like this must indeed be humiliating and it must, when this ploy is used now trigger new massive fears of abandonment. 

“Unintended Consequences”

“Unintended Consequences”

Brian Lynch

Brian Lynch

Sometimes terrible things happen because we decide to do something. Good intentions lead to a place we never imagined at the moment we did what we did. After the dust clears, we cannot believe what happened and have to process the situation.

What I have found fascinating is that no one ever told me in all my relationships or schooling that my mind only has a few places to “go.”

Some examples; I “rough house” with my nephew and it gets out of hand and I break his arm. I spend a thousand dollars on Christmas presents and the next day someone needs an operation. There is a serious altercation and I call the police and I end up getting charged. We can think of many, many other situations and worse outcomes.

So where does my mind “go.” Well, what no one ever told me is that it can only “go” a few places I can only: 1) blame someone else for what just happened, 2) blame myself for what just happened, 3) try in some manner to just block the whole thing out, “nothing happened” and 4) I can run away so to speak. If I am on some kind of mind-alerting drug maybe I will take a lot more of it. My point in these few words is, can you give me another alternative? My point also is that once you accept that these are the only way the mind can naturally “go” and accept it then it is a path to freedom and much peace.

The road out or to “solve the problem” is a pretty simple one and that is to recognize several very old truths and they are, you did the best you could at the moment and we cannot predict the future. If we do not accept these then we run the risk of having a “God” complex. “I should be all-knowing.” “I should be able to control myself at all times.” “I should be able to predict what the police will do.” “I should have known I would break my nephew’s arm.” How sensible do those statements sound and if they do sound sensible then I am afraid that I should be frightened of you? You will expect the impossible of me.

Such thinking leads to blaming ourselves for everything and everyone and thus much shame, humiliation, and guilt that tie up our lives in a constant ritual of masochism of pain and self-punishment. Or it can lead to a constant ranting that others are to blame. In the meantime, nothing much gets done in our lives.

I have already written about the thought of “Accepting the things you cannot change and changing the things you can.”

This being the week of Easter and Passover and the rites of Spring I hope this is of some use. These days, as are so many holidays, are so charged with memories of all those times that we have “blamed ourselves or others” or “avoided” the situation. And of course, these times are often made much worse in our adult lives when we might find ourselves alone. It took me a long time to understand that the only solution is to simply “be” with someone. “Be with the one you're with.” We are made to be “interested” in today. Not yesterday.

“Problems With Attention”

“Problems With Attention”

Brian Lynch

I am sure almost everyone knows someone that has a problem with “attention” and is taking medication for it. They might be a child or an adult. They are often given the labels ADD or ADHD.

Fact: there is no conclusion as to whether this is a “disease” that one is born with or we get from living in an environment. Or maybe it is a combination.

Fact: taking certain medications does help some people.

Fact: taking certain medications also can have side effects, especially aggressiveness and anger.

It is also a fact that some teachers and parents mostly want quick answers.

I believe that until we appreciate much more about “attention” and a child’s “interest” we will not get very far.

What happens to you when you are doing something and you get interrupted? You don’t like it. Now much depends on how we have been brought up, how skilled we are at handling that moment of interruption.

It was pointed out a long time ago to me that a very active ten-year-old in a crowded two-bedroom apartment in Chicago might be labeled ADD, but on a farm in Kansas just a rambunctious ten-year-old.

Of course, it is not that simple, it depends too on what is going on in the farmhouse.

I believe “interest” is a “feeling” that is always being transmitted outward and I also believe we have to be dealing, daily, with a large set of punishing feelings that inform us of our environment. They are anger, fear, distress, contempt, shame, and surprise. Now tell me what if a youngster or for that matter an oldster is feeling high levels of all of these? Would these not interrupt their “interest?” Would it not make it hard for them to “pay attention?”

It is said that children can pay attention to intense tasks like video games and T.V. or homework at times. I think this makes much sense because it is at these times they can “escape or avoid” all the negative in their life, all those negative feelings. It is when they are in the “general” environment, the social “feeling” environment, that they “go crazy.”

It is because they do not have the skills to relate or unfortunately the support system around them to relate. To relate, it has to be a two, three, four-way street.

I have more than once refused to simply place a child on medication because the teachers have wanted it, demanded it. Parents should refuse such demands. Doctors have to be only the child’s advocate! Teachers are not doctors. Medication is not there to make the teacher’s job easier. Medication sends the message that the child is sick when in fact we the community might just be the one that is sick.

Now why might medication make things worse and why does it work? Just because it “works” does not prove in any way that there is a “biological” problem, it just means that the chemical is working on the “attention” or “interest” mechanism. Heroin “works” also. I have had people tell me that “honestly” doc I didn’t take my “Adderal” (a medication for ADD) all the time, just when I was “bored” when I needed to get the job done. So it “works” as a stimulant. Of course, this is well known.

Why do drugs cause anger? Well, we believe, simply, that when our “interest” is interrupted we feel, well, bad. What often happens when we feel “bad?” Well, we often get angry. Don’t you? If you intensify the interest, say with medication, the result of the interruption will be just that much worse and so will the anger.

Schools need more money and we all need to pay more attention to our children and each other and others and see how things improve.

“Testing, Testing, 1,2,3… Testing..”

Brian Lynch

I told someone the other day that helping someone is often like having your hands and feet tied and being gagged at the same time but still having to do something.

This has to do with one of the most important ideas I work with and that is that any type of criticism or negative feedback only makes things worse. Am I very good at this? Oh, I don’t know. I think I fail miserably at taking my advice all the time, but I think it is true.

I think we are all trying to do our best. I wrote this in my book and discussed it once with someone and that was the last time they ever talked to me as they really could not accept that idea. It has been my experience that the great majority of people, at some level, need to think that people at some level “want” to be or are “bad.” So if they are or “we” are all bad at some level then we must choose to be or do bad things and thus cannot always be trying to do our best.

The idea is simple, and that is that we are made to connect. The only way we connect is through truly being interested in one another. The only way to do that is to do our best, to “love” in the healthiest sense of the word. I believe this is a most natural and basic biological urge, this urge to connect. Therefore, to do other, not to do our best makes little sense. 

If we are doing things that hurt ourselves and others, then it seems a matter of not knowing how to achieve our goal. True enough, there are monsters all over the world past and present. Pol Pot, Genghis Khan, Hitler, and Saddam Hussein in our own home, but they knew and know less than anyone about feelings, yet have and needed connection no matter how perverted it was or is. Yes, they were doing the best they could.

If you don’t learn it how can you do it? Now many people will be irate about these ideas. Nowhere do I say that you do not remove yourself from harm or defend yourself from it when need be?

But what about the people we deal with from time to time and try and help, indeed ourselves!? Are we always trying our best? I think we are. I think, however, we will, over and over, sabotage our best-laid plans to “test” ourselves and others. We want to see if we still “love” ourselves enough to accept ourselves and, of course, we need to see if others will accept us so we test them. This is a well recognize residual, effect of abuse and we all have suffered some abuse from nothing more than living.

We test everyone. We test our parents, our spouses, our lovers or friends our children, the police, and our bosses.

The grandmother calls off the picnic at the last minute. The boyfriend is 45 minutes late. We say something controversial in earshot of the boss. Not only do we engage in corrupt activity, but we seem to go out of our way to get caught.

These are all secret “tests” for many people testing whether we will still be loved despite our “despicable” behavior.

“Trust”

“Trust”

Brian Lynch

Trust is the foundation for relationships. What I have found is that often there is absolutely no doubt that the desire is there, but the ability to follow through is lacking. It is lacking because the person never had a chance to learn the complete arch of trust.

The problem is they were raised in a very domineering and negative environment. They were always told “no.” “I want to go to the show.” “No?” “Can I do this or that?” “No?” “You can’t go out with Javier.” “You can’t go to that school.” “Be home by eight. “

In this environment, the child learns to be devious. They learn to get what they want and they learn, mistakenly, that this is the only way the world works. I must lie, cheat and steal to get what I want. It becomes like a computer program. I want something and I expect a “no” and my reflex is a devious response. I grow up and ask my girlfriend or boyfriend or my husband and wife and I expect to enter into a dishonest contest.

It is not uncommon for a scenario to pass that even though the other party says “yes” that the abused partner is in such a state of shock or disbelief it seems that they will have to “test” the other party. “Hey, honey can I use the credit card to go out Friday night.” “Sure but we are kinda short. Try and limit it to 50 dollars.” But I go out again Saturday and use the card again and spend another 35 dollars. I see this as an obvious “test.” Will he or she get angry like my father? Or I convince my boyfriend I really need something and then take it back for a cash refund instead of just asking for the money. I just cannot help myself. When confronted I then accuse the other of being “abusive” of being “distrustful”, “mean”, “cheap” or monitoring everything I do. The others find themselves in a “no-win situation.” No one likes to be in the situation of being distrustful, how is trust reestablished once broken?

A famous T.V. Dr., who I have some problems with, does say one truth and that is “patients lie all the time.” Now “all generalizations are false” but we all lie some of the time and he is very correct, most patients will “lie” about something and often something rather significant. If they would just ask me it would be much better. But this is often because they see me as a parental figure that will automatically deny them. It is also certainly more often due to various forms of shame. I do not deny that many have been shamed and humiliated by many a physician. But that is another issue.

Finally, a solution to this problem is not easy. It is not a simple problem of “lying.” Please understand that the person sees their actions as “the only way of surviving”. They see their actions as “the way to do things.” They do see other people doing things “the right way” but this confuses them as in their experience it has never worked. In their experience as a child, they were always rejected. 

To now learn that a loving, trusting relationship can exist in its own right is a major relearning process on a subconscious level full of land mines. And part of that process means also tolerating a respect for the other and for the legitimate “no.” Sometimes “no” means “no.” Often the other is so traumatized that any “no” becomes a simple challenge to overcome. This is extremely dangerous. This is what I call being “there” and not “here.” The person is back in the abusive relationship and not in the present and cannot respect the viewpoint in the present and needs of their “now” partner.

Copyright 2010