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Friday, March 26, 2010

“Trust”

“Trust”



Brian Lynch

Trust is the foundation for relationships. What I have found is that often there is absolutely no doubt that the desire is there, but the ability to follow through is lacking. It is lacking because the person never had a chance to learn the complete arch of trust.

The problem is they were raised in a very domineering and negative environment. They were always told “no.” “I want to go to the show.” “No?” “Can I do this or that?” “No?” “You can’t go out with Javier.” “You can’t go to that school.” “Be home by eight. “

In this environment, the child learns to be devious. They learn to get what they want and they learn, mistakenly, that this is the only way the world works. I must lie, cheat and steal to get what I want. It becomes like a computer program. I want something and I expect a “no” and my reflex is a devious response. I grow up and ask my girlfriend or boyfriend or my husband and wife and I expect to enter into a dishonest contest.

It is not uncommon for a scenario to pass that even though the other party says “yes” that the abused partner is in such a state of shock or disbelief it seems that they will have to “test” the other party. “Hey, honey can I use the credit card to go out Friday night.” “Sure but we are kinda short. Try and limit it to 50 dollars.” But I go out again Saturday and use the card again and spend another 35 dollars. I see this as an obvious “test.” Will he or she get angry like my father? Or I convince my boyfriend I really need something and then take it back for a cash refund instead of just asking for the money. I just cannot help myself. When confronted I then accuse the other of being “abusive” of being “distrustful”, “mean”, “cheap” or monitoring everything I do. The others find themselves in a “no-win situation.” No one likes to be in the situation of being distrustful, how is trust reestablished once broken?

A famous T.V. Dr., who I have some problems with, does say one truth and that is “patients lie all the time.” Now “all generalizations are false” but we all lie some of the time and he is very correct, most patients will “lie” about something and often something rather significant. If they would just ask me it would be much better. But this is often because they see me as a parental figure that will automatically deny them. It is also certainly more often due to various forms of shame. I do not deny that many have been shamed and humiliated by many a physician. But that is another issue.

Finally, a solution to this problem is not easy. It is not a simple problem of “lying.” Please understand that the person sees their actions as “the only way of surviving”. They see their actions as “the way to do things.” They do see other people doing things “the right way” but this confuses them as in their experience it has never worked. In their experience as a child, they were always rejected. 

To now learn that a loving, trusting relationship can exist in its own right is a major relearning process on a subconscious level full of land mines. And part of that process means also tolerating a respect for the other and for the legitimate “no.” Sometimes “no” means “no.” Often the other is so traumatized that any “no” becomes a simple challenge to overcome. This is extremely dangerous. This is what I call being “there” and not “here.” The person is back in the abusive relationship and not in the present and cannot respect the viewpoint in the present and needs of their “now” partner.

Copyright 2010


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