When you want something you want it.

Brian Lynch

Come on admit it. When you want something you want it. We tend to want what we want when we want it and that is pretty much it and we want it now. We will pretty much lie, cheat and steal to get it. Are you offended?

What is my point? Well, just what I have said. I have become, of late, more and more impressed at how we avoid the truth of how we are. In my private and professional life, it continually amazes me how we avoid each other so much of the time. No matter how high we rise and often the higher we rise the more problems we have in “being straight” with each other.

I have the habit of, I guess, continually being “shocked” by people’s behavior in this regard and retell my experiences with others about my “shocking” experiences as how people have simply avoided the obvious problem or truth of a situation and much of the time people seem not surprised at all and are more surprised that I am “shocked.” That is they think I am naive. Thinking “Dr. Lynch, what do you expect of people, to be honest and forthright?” “Do you expect people to be anything other than backstabbers and competitive?”

The truth is I do. I do because it is possible. It is possible because such people exist. Part of “this” project, the total of what I write and other than share this information, is the idea that “human nature” is not fixed. Human nature is constantly changing and all the “negative” that we attribute to human action is counterbalanced by positive attributes that can be taught and augmented and have been throughout history.

But to be concrete and helpful I want to point out that we all make fools of ourselves in the heat of battle if we engage mouth before thinking. Much harm is done and often irreparable harm is done because we want what we want and we want it now and then we justify what we just did or said based on what we just wanted. The logic rarely works because we started at the wrong place, We started with an isolated desire.

None of us has been schooled in the complexity of competing interests. If you want to go to your mother's for Christmas and I want to go to mine, it does not mean at all that I do not like your mother. It means I want to go to see my mother more. That is all it means. But that makes all the difference in the world does it not? It also does not mean that I love you less. It also means that there is nothing I can do about this. What I want is not a reasoned decision! It means I want to see my mother. I believe almost no one understands conflict of interests and that when someone wants something they want it and there is not much one can do about it. There is a lot we can start to do about this if we start from an early age to understand the dynamic of this conflict and how inevitable it is; how to compromise with others and ourselves. We are still going to want what we want!

We come to realize these are primarily emotional issues. Interest is emotional and so we will then not make logical fools of ourselves when we try to reason our way out of the massive confusion, our multiple desires have created in our head because when we do someone ends up getting hurt because there is no way to make sense of them. We often end up attacking and humiliating others. This leads to guilt and shame and more attacking. Hey, a mess! It rarely gets us where we want to go. What we wanted! That is, we can’t make it all come out right. All our interests can’t come true. Knowing this from the beginning is the key. But I think we think because they are our interests they are therefore “reasonable” and therefore logical and therefore everything should work. Wrong.

In an earlier post, I quoted the director of the movie “The House of Fog and Sand” as saying, ”The film exposes the unsettling truth that sometimes it is our hopes[read “interests”], rather than our hatreds, that divide us.”

Door # 1, Door # 2 or Door #3

Brian Lynch

In this piece, I will be discussing three options: Door #1, Door #2, or Door #3. It's important to note that much of what I will say might resonate with those who already agree with me. The focus here is on psychology, which has taught us that changing someone's perspective is a difficult task. So, why write this column? It is that we can all improve our understanding of these dynamics.

A prime example of of being set in our ways is looking at our political affiliations. In the United States, people tend to identify as either Democrats or Republicans throughout their lives. Of course, there are instances of crossover, as indicated by the times when we have a President from one party and a different party controlling Congress. However, a significant portion of the population remains steadfastly aligned with one side.

This phenomenon extends to various topics, such as abortion, free markets, and unions. Everyone seems to have an opinion on these matters, which they often consider "common sense" or conventional wisdom. We grow up believing that our grandmother's common sense is the ultimate wisdom. However, it's important to recognize that this isn't always the case.

To challenge the notion of "common sense," let's consider the famous tree door problem. Imagine a game show where contestants must choose between Door #1, Door #2, or Door #3. Behind one door, there might be a brand new Cadillac, while the other two doors hold disappointing prizes like a goat. Once you make your choice, one of the remaining doors is opened, revealing a goat. At this point, you are given the opportunity to change your initial selection. Now, the question is: Does changing your choice affect your chances of winning the Cadillac?

Common sense might suggest that it makes no difference, but in reality, changing your choice significantly improves your odds of winning (for a detailed explanation, refer to [web address]).

Therefore, whenever we have the time to read, hear, or see something that challenges our thoughts or beliefs, it's crucial to take a moment and critically examine how we arrived at our current convictions. Did we merely accept them without question? Are they based on facts, scientific studies, or just something our grandmother said, or perhaps something we stumbled upon on the first webpage we found? Instead, we should invest the time to read at least two other sources, or even better, consult a variety of sources. We must also be mindful of confirmation bias—seeking information that confirms what we already believe. Research suggests that this confirmation bias often influences our reasoning.

In the fields of medicine and psychology, it is vital to seek multiple opinions. Common sense may be common, but the truth is not always easy to find.

Education

Brian Lynch

It has taken us a very long time to understand that to teach someone something, anything, is a  difficult task. It is now known through great work by the best of the best in learning theory and education that most education does not do what it sets out to do and that is transfer knowledge. 

A great majority of what we think is going on is fantasy. A lot of this can be seen on the Annenberg website if you are interested. There you can find a somewhat now famous video of interviews with some Harvard students and professors on graduation day. They are being asked some “simple” astronomy questions of a grade school level. Almost no one, if I remember, gets any of them right including an astrophysics student.

There is another video that seems to show, at least to my satisfaction, that even the “best” high school students were learning by “rote” for the most part. They were learning for the test or for the teacher. When pressed no one had an in-depth understanding of the material. No one could sustain his or her own thinking on a given subject, and when pressed on real core understanding they reverted to primitive private understanding. In fact, the title of the video is, beautifully, “Our Own Private Universe.”  NOTE: This essay was written some 14 years ago I have not been able to find the specific videos today but here is the Annebergs present website addressing learning issues: Our Own Private Universe

Why is this? It is because of our old friend “interest.” It has taken all this time for even the best educators to understand that, from the earliest times, children are figuring out the world on their own. Cognition, learning, and thinking do not start just when we adults decide to pour knowledge into a child’s head. 

We are beginning to realize that children, infants, and even fetuses learn and feel. How could it be otherwise? All of this learning starts with a feeling. Thinking comes much later but all kinds of people real and imagined are explaining the world to the child and the child to his or herself. 

At some level, we should be careful telling children that the moon is made of blue cheese and what does the child think of seeing figures falling from ten stories and getting up and walking away? They believe and think sometimes long before they are “taught” anything. These “images” and “scripted” thoughts are primary and because they are primary they will become very solidified and thus very, very difficult to change.

I am fond of pointing out that we, in no way, chose our favorite color. Our favorite color “happened” to us. So too many, many things “happened” to us, including many of the ways we conceptualize the world and thus the basis for the way we are able to learn. That is the way our “interest” will be directed from here on out without some radical change.

The educational system has never appreciated this and what has evolved is a ne'er-do-well system that has developed a system of reading, writing and testing to just get us through the day. Those that succeed may or may not be the brightest or the best, but they are the ones that just happen to be able to manipulate the system consciously or not.

With any thought and examination, we know the “the system” is geared to “practical results” jobs, income, and the like. This is despite the fact that we pay lip service to “real” education and “higher education.”

Mirroring People

Brian Lynch

We have all been with people who are affable and agreeable. They make us feel at ease.

We will now and then get a feeling, however, that something is wrong. You can’t put your finger on it.

Sooner or later and the older we get, the sooner it should be that we understand that the uneasy feeling comes from the person “mirroring” us. They agree with almost anything we say and will often feedback to us exactly what we said, sometimes right away the next day. We are stunned and feel good about it.

But we notice, as time goes on, very little is shared by this person about their own beliefs and desires, and plans. The reason is that they take on the personality and traits of those around them. As we say there is little sense of self.

Some of this is conscious, but most must be unconscious or semiconscious as it is done so consistently and smoothly.

It is whatever the case built on shame. It can be simply annoying or dangerous.

Annoying if the person “simply” needs to be affiliated with you to have some esteem. They never had a chance to develop their talents as probably someone was always blunting them so they learned to avoid the hurt and damage by giving adulation to their caregivers, “humoring them.”

This becomes dangerous when the actions are more conscious and the end of getting something from you.

In this case, it is akin to compulsive lying. “I” am driven to play out a program or script that will get me some emotional satisfaction. Unfortunately the “mark” is only the vehicle to that end. That end is often the excitement of “getting over on someone” or “simply” an avoidance of shame. My shame is so great, my esteem so low that I am driven to not expose anything, or the minimum, about myself. Why? Because I feel I am worthless. Each lie helps accumulate more shame and guilt so I “lie” again, that is I hide my true feelings and I mimic yours. If indeed I have ever had a chance to develop any of my feelings!

Of course, not everyone that does this is such a black-and-white figure. It can be as I said just an irritating trait for the most part. Whatever its degree of intensity it is ultimately from a sense of shame or degradation of self. “I know nothing” is the voice inside. “I am essentially bad.” Even if they say it is the “excitement” they are after, I say they are after the feeling of excitement to block the pain of shame.

“Not lying is lying”

Brian Lynch

“You Tell The Strongest People,

 

The Weakest Lies.”  Sugar Blue

Few of us get to adulthood without realizing that “thou shalt not lie” is a “black and white” simplistic approach to human relations. 

But that does not mean that we often slip into the idea that “we don’t lie.” But since it is impossible to not lie, all we can do is try the best we can.

Now there are various types of lies. Some pump up our ego. It is easily proven that everyone lies when meeting new people. Within ten minutes we are oft to tell, on average, three lies. On the other end, there are “lies” that protect confidences be it a business deal or a clergy parishioner relation, or a doctor-patient relationship.

But from time to time we want to believe in George Washington’s truism of “I never tell a lie.” If we do, we have a problem because then we will deny the need to lie! What happens? Shame and confusion ensue for not lying. But the truth is we will lie in some way just not in the rigid terms we have set for ourselves “I never lie!”

How do we lie? Well, I always end up back to what I have come to feel are our only options when we are suppressing feeling and they are: I can try and run away from the feeling, I can blame myself for the feeling, I can blame you for the feeling or I can do something to avoid the feeling. Each of these can be a type of lying as they all can be and are a type of “avoiding” the issue. Avoiding the issue is a “lie.”

Of course, here we can pick on the “politician.” Watch any politician in a heated interview and there is almost always something they do not want to answer. When they are asked they answer masterfully from years of practice of lying without lying.

They change the subject. They avoid the question altogether and often will, in the process start attaching the opposition. They may “hang up the phone”, or end the interview (withdraw, run away). Rarely, will they attack themselves or blame themselves, but even this might be a lie. That is, they might indeed take the fall for someone.

Then there is “politeness.” I am not interested in you, but I can not say it. Or I “need” you for something. Well, in these cases the relationship itself is a “lie.” It is certainly difficult to avoid some relationships like this. And to be compassionate our feelings are not always clear. We are ambivalent. But in the process we will, often due to shame “show our hand.” We will “Tell the strongest people the weakest lies.” “I didn’t have time to call you.” (translation: I had no interest in talking to you.) “I didn’t get to your emails, you know I don’t like to use the computer.” (translation: ditto). These answers are a combination of “attack” and “avoid”.

Of course in any human encounter if we are on the receiving end of such comments how can we be sure? Well, can you be sure it is a lie? And often, maybe it isn’t. If the speaker is not telling you a lie they certainly will be thrown off guard by being called a liar. Of course, being so blunt statements reveal a lack of empathy and a frankness that is inappropriate. What else could it impart to the listener than “I am not interested in you?” The point is, it is simply difficult. I would say we mostly have to judge people by their actions over a long period. 

As a bit of an aside, I use to work with an ethnic population doing initial hospital admissions. I would ask them if they spoke English. If they said “no” then they usually said they did not “like” English. I hope, in some non-shaming way, I said it had nothing to do with “like”, it had to do with necessity as one could easily die in a foreign country due to not speaking the language. In short, they were lying due to shame. Lying to themselves. It was an easy answer.

So the point is “lying” is not the issue at all. The issue is why I am lying. Am I lying out of some, yes, “moral” duty to a higher ideal, that is lying is often the most “moral” thing to do, or am I lying out of shame?