“The Origen of Conflict”

“The Origin of Conflict”

Brian Lynch

I often talk about a movie entitled “The House of Fog and Sand.” I use it as an example of what the director states in the DVD “extras” and that is “The film exposes the unsettling truth that sometimes it is our hopes, rather than our hatreds, that divide us.”

I will briefly say that the film is a tragedy that deals with a struggle between several people trying to acquire a house. People die.

The statement of the director is haunting. It is one of the greatest truths I have ever heard. To truly understand it we need to begin to understand one of the emotions that I have now mentioned many times and that is “interest.”

Our desires, wants, ambitions, and needs, to wit, our interests have initially nothing at all to do with hatred, recrimination, revenge, jealousy, and anger. Why? Because all of these have to first start somewhere. They have to start with a desire.

Recently I experienced this with a loved one. I had not discussed the next day’s events with them. I had in my head the whole day planned out which involved a lot to do with my practice as it was a working day. I equate this phenomenon to blowing up a balloon. We blow and blow and blow and the more we blow the more we exclude others' needs. We are “into our needs.” Well, returning from a trip at ll: 00 pm. I then hear the other person’s version of the day. It is nothing like my version. They too had blown up their balloon.

Had either party “wanted” to get in the other’s way? As far as I can tell, no they had not. But each balloon was emotionally burst as trust and emotional needs were not met. I withdrew for a while thinking “I had to do what I had to do.” I was tired and felt I had not been considered and now had to rearrange everything.

In the end, my friend’s project was very important to both of us and it was possible to get everything done. But it was one of the best practical lessons I have had in this very message I am conveying.

No one was “right.” No one was “wrong.” It is however difficult and well neigh impossible to “put on the breaks” at the very moment needed as the balloon or balloons can be broken instantaneously and I believe we then have little or no control over the initial feeling of shame, anger, disgust and distress or combinations of emotions we will initially feel. We have to have a lot of practice at recovering quickly.

Now think of the same process in any relation, in a business deal or an international conflict. So I think it vital we begin to think of the “positive” origins of conflicts and search them out, that is each other’s “interests.”

Copyright 2010