"Well someone must be doing well”

When people say, “Well, someone must be doing well”.

Brian Lynch

Have you ever met up with friends or family or just friends for dinner and mentioned that you are going on a trip or bought a car, something of this sort and they immediately say something like “Well, someone must be doing well” or you asked how things or going and you make the mistake of saying things are a bit better and from then on it is like you are set for life?

It seems that I have had my share of experiences with this. This response is what I call a “scripted” or automatic response from the other. If you would bring it to their attention they would be shocked, offended, and annoyed and may never speak to you again. That said, it is a good example of some of the most sublet humiliating put-downs people do.

Yes, the people that do it are universally those that are in a better position than you are and usually a much better position than you are and you get the sense that they very much intend to stay that way.

In its best light, it is an example of what Dr. Don Nathanson calls the empathetic wall. He says this wall is  a “skin” we have or a bubble we all live in. We have to have this wall or we would all be overwhelmed by the feelings that others project on us. We have to “pick and choose” what we let in and out.

In these instances, it is a negative example of a defensive reaction and of the flow of the empathetic wall. People sense that you are not really in a good position. Things are not really going all that well, so their statement that “things are looking up” is a “disavowal” of the situation and negation/denial of it. They, that is, cannot let in the emotional information. The best light to put on it is that there is indeed pain felt on their part, but it too is disavowed it cannot be recognized and brought to consciousness and shared with you. They cannot make the real effort to really engage you and ask you how things really are.

Copyright 2010